{"id":479,"date":"2014-04-30T15:22:53","date_gmt":"2014-04-30T15:22:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/revolutionapparel.me\/?p=479"},"modified":"2024-05-01T23:10:09","modified_gmt":"2024-05-01T23:10:09","slug":"should-i-marry-a-guy-i-dont-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/revolutionapparel.me\/index.php\/2014\/04\/30\/should-i-marry-a-guy-i-dont-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Should I Marry a Guy I Don\u2019t Love?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Ring<\/p>\n

(Image: Bridget Flohe<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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“Dear Celes, thank you very much for your wonderful blog. I feel that you are very sensible woman. As you have found your true love<\/a>, I have decided to ask you for advice \u2014 should I marry a very decent guy if I don’t feel anything more than respect and friendly feelings to him?<\/p>\n

The reason I ask is that I’m 28 but I haven’t had any relationship before this. I’ve fallen in love several times before but the guys\u00a0either turned out\u00a0to be married<\/a>,\u00a0not interested in me<\/a>, had a very unstable mind, or were irresponsible and let me down<\/a>…<\/p>\n

I would love to listen to my heart but even till today my heart is used to making the wrong decisions…<\/p>\n

Now I met this guy and he fell in love with me immediately. He is very responsible, caring, perceptive… But I\u00a0simply don’t feel anything for him…<\/p>\n

I’ve told him that already but he asked me to give him a chance and to see if I would change my mind… I’ve given him that chance but I simply don’t feel emotional or physical compatibility… I just can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him…<\/p>\n

Should I give him a straight-up “no” and continue to wait\/search for someone\u00a0while living\u00a0my life? Or is there a\u00a0chance that love will come after marriage?<\/p>\n

Thank you in advance.” \u2014 M<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Hey M,\u00a0I read your letter and knew that I had to respond to you right away.\u00a0I hope this reply reaches you in time.<\/p>\n

Some people will give you a straight up “NO YOU SHOULDN’T MARRY HIM!!”\u00a0as\u00a0they believe that marriage should only be based on love. These people are the hardcore romantics and idealists, which\u00a0I am too in a way.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, you have the more realistic and pessimistic of people\u00a0who will tell you to just marry and settle because it’s hard for a good man to come by and this guy seems\u00a0exactly that. “Even if you don’t love him,” they will\u00a0say, “at least he’ll take care of you.\u00a0You can work on cultivating the love after marriage, over time.” Such advice is particularly common in Asia, where one’s self-worth can be tied to their relationship and marital status.<\/p>\n

But rather than give you a straight “Yes you should marry him” or “No you shouldn’t marry him,” the more important question here is: “What\u00a0is the role of marriage for you?” Because your answer is directly linked to your decision.<\/p>\n

Why Marry?<\/h2>\n

While I used to think that a marriage should only be borne out of love, I’ve realized over time that this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone.<\/p>\n

For example, some people marry for companionship. This could be out of fear of being lonely<\/a> or just wanting to spend your life with someone. For such a person, it doesn’t matter if he\/she doesn’t love the other party. As long as the other party is sincere, reliable, and loves him\/her, he\/she is okay\u00a0with marrying him\/her. I knew someone who married her then-boyfriend under this exact circumstance, though ironically he had an affair later on and they got divorced. Most people in my parents’ generation married for companionship and then worked on cultivating love after marriage (though whether they succeed or not is a different thing altogether).<\/p>\n

Some people marry with the sole goal of having kids. I have a friend\u00a0who is one of them (I mentioned him before\u00a0here<\/a>). In my friend’s case, he really wants to have his own kids \u2014 and he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to find his match in the coming years. Since he’s not getting any younger, he’s totally okay with getting\u00a0a mail-order bride just to\u00a0have kids by a certain age. After that, he says both him and his wife can\u00a0go the\u00a0Ashley Madison route (i.e. have extra-marital affairs)\u00a0\u2014 he really doesn’t care either way.<\/p>\n

Then there are the people who marry\u00a0because they feel that they have to. To them, marriage is a rite of passage, a necessity of life, and a fundamental part of being human. They even have a target\u00a0on\u00a0when to get\u00a0married and they strive to realize that! Hence, the significance of marriage comes from its very occurrence by a certain time frame rather than\u00a0who\u00a0<\/em>they are marrying. As such, they don’t have overt expectations on what their partner should be like. As long as he\/she looks okay, falls within a suitable age bracket, comes from the same social strata, and has the same religion (all external factors by the way), they are okay with marrying that person.<\/p>\n

Last but not least, you have the people who marry for love. These people marry because they love the person they are with and they want to be with him\/her for the rest of their life \u2014 not because of societal pressure, not because they feel like they are at a marriageable age, and not because they want to get a house<\/a>\u00a0(which some\u00a0Singaporeans marry for).\u00a0Thus, they are okay with remaining single<\/a> for life if they don’t find someone they love. It’s more important that they marry someone they love rather than getting locked in a marriage with someone they don’t love.<\/p>\n

Marrying Out of Love<\/h2>\n

Now M, if your expectations of marriage is to have a life-long companion \u2014 someone who will be with you and take care of you even when you’re old with white hair \u2014 then this guy seems to fit the bill. To quote you, “he’s reliable, caring, perceptive,” not to mention that he seems really patient and sincere because he still wants to be with you despite you not sharing the same feelings for him! Assuming that nothing changes after marriage, then it seems that this guy is a keeper.<\/p>\n

However, let’s say your expectations of marriage are that it should be based on love. You can’t imagine being with someone you do not love.<\/p>\n

If so,\u00a0we have a problem. Because not only do you not feel a physical compatibility with this guy<\/a>, but you don’t feel an\u00a0emotional compatibility\u00a0either.\u00a0Not to mention you said you can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him!\u00a0All these point to a very fundamental issue and I’m not sure if you should be talking or considering marriage with him until this is resolved.<\/p>\n

What Happens When You Marry Someone You Don’t Love?<\/h2>\n

So let’s do a little scenario planning now, which is also method #1 of my article\u00a0How To Make Life’s Hardest Decisions: 3 Decision Making Methods<\/a>. Say you marry this guy despite not having feelings for him.\u00a0Two possible scenarios can happen.<\/p>\n

The first scenario is that everything happens the way you hope it would. He treats you very well after marriage\u00a0and\u00a0he\u00a0is exactly the man he was before the wedding, if not more. He continues to be responsible, caring, perceptive, and most importantly, loving. You get to know him more as your husband, and you begin to see him in a way that you never have before.<\/p>\n

Touched by his love for you and impressed by the man that he is, you begin to fall for him. Since\u00a0both of you are now in love, your problem\u00a0of a loveless marriage is now resolved.<\/p>\n

The second scenario is that you\u00a0don’t\u00a0<\/em>fall for him despite his efforts. Try as you might, you simply have no feelings for him, and feelings can’t be forced at the end of the day.<\/p>\n

What do you do now? Do you pretend to love your now-husband so that you won’t disappoint him? Do you let him know that you still don’t love him but continue being in the marriage out of guilt and fear, as you don’t want to face a backlash from your family\u00a0and friends?\u00a0Do you divorce him and try to find love again?<\/p>\n

Deep Implications<\/h2>\n

Obviously, the second scenario has some very sticky implications.<\/p>\n

A divorce isn’t as simple as breaking up with a boy\/girlfriend \u2014 there are legal proceedings to go through, families involved, and fees to be paid.\u00a0There are also prerequisites that need to be fulfilled before a divorce can be filed.<\/p>\n

For example, in Singapore a marriage needs to be at least three years long before you can file for divorce, and even then you cannot file a divorce based on “irreconcilable differences” unlike in the United States. You must have proof of adultery, spousal desertion for at least two years, unreasonable behavior, or at least 3 years of physical separation with your spouse before you have any grounds to file for divorce. In some countries, it may be impossible to get divorced because the law is designed to keep marriages together, even if the individuals are no longer happy together.<\/p>\n

Length-wise, a divorce proceeding doesn’t just happen overnight \u2014 they can stretch on for quite a while, ranging from six months to over a year. That’s not even talking about the emotional\u00a0drain that happens with such proceedings.<\/p>\n

Let’s say you don’t divorce and you want to stay on in this marriage.\u00a0The questions then come to these:<\/p>\n