I Get Nervous When I See an Attractive Guy/Woman. What Should I Do?

(Image: Universal Studios / Entertainment Weekly)

“Hi Celes, I have been reading your blog since 2 years ago. Your tips are amazing and have helped me a lot. There is one problem about me that I haven’t read in any article on PE or any other site.

This is shameful to admit. Whenever I see a handsome man, I feel that he should like me and fall in love with me. I feel terrible to think like that. I don’t do anything to impress the guy because I know it is wrong. I have a boyfriend and I want to live with him.

I don’t want to get affected by handsome men. I don’t want such feelings to exist. What should I do?” — Kristi

Kristi’s problem raises a very interesting question for all of us, which is: Why do some of us feel nervous, or behave very differently, when we see handsome men and beautiful women?

Imagine this: You go to a party and you see someone good looking. You start to feel nervous, unlike yourself. You contemplate speaking to him/her. For guys, maybe you get sweaty palms. For girls, maybe you play coy and hope that the guy comes over to talk to you.

Why? Why does your behavior change based on the person’s looks? And it doesn’t have to be in a party setting too. It can be anywhere, at work, when meeting someone new, when going on a blind date, etc. Perhaps you see someone good looking and you get nervous, excited. In Kristi’s case, she’s anguished by these feelings and she doesn’t want them.

The Truth about Beauty

To understand why such feelings get triggered, we need to first understand the fundamental truth surrounding beauty.

The reality is that everyone is beautiful. Not more or less beautiful, but equally beautiful. This is something that I’ve shared before here. You are beautiful in your own way. I am beautiful in my own way. We are all uniquely and equally beautiful, not more or less than others.

Unfortunately, this message runs counter to everything you learn in today’s world. The basic message surrounding beauty today is that some people are more beautiful than others, and some looks are more attractive than others. If you don’t look a certain way, you are deemed ugly and unattractive, and you should do everything you can to change your looks to fit a beauty mold. Why?

A deep look into the history of beauty tells us that beauty ideals historically started as a way to separate the have’s and the have not’s. When you trace the evolution of beauty standards over time, you will see that

• Being weighty used to be regarded as attractive during the Renaissance era, as food was scarce during those times, and only the rich had plenty to eat.^[1][2]
• Subsequently, being skinny became seen as very attractive when food became abundant and widely available. As everyone started gaining weight, and people became educated about their health and diet, being skinny became seen as the gold standard.^[3]
• During the 1800s, very pale skin was seen as beautiful as only the rich could afford not to work and stay out of the sun. Pale skin was associated with the aristocrats.
• But when tuberculosis becoming the second-leading cause of death in the U.S. in 1900, and doctors in Europe and America began to prescribe sunbathing for tuberculosis, rich people flocked to resorts to suntan. Tanned skin now became seen as beautiful in the West.^[4][5]
• In ancient China, tiny feet became a symbol of beauty as the only women who could painfully bind their feet to keep them tiny were from wealthy families, since they didn’t need to work in the fields.^[6]
• Western features like tall nose bridge, deep-set eyes, fair skin, and angular features are generally regarded as more “beautiful” in Asian countries, and you can see this line of thought pervaded in much of mass media advertising here. This is partly because many Asian countries used to be under the Colonial rule (the Philippines was under Spanish colonization for almost 400 years for example), which created a deep-set mentality of white superiority, and an association that Caucasian-like features are “better” and “more beautiful.” You will never find a person saying that because the conditioning exists at a very implicit level, but more in the form of “Such features are more beautiful, and I’m so envious that [Caucasians] have them but not us [Asians].”

As you can see, beauty standards have historically been used to differentiate one group from another. The attributes of the affluent would be used as the starting point for what was considered beautiful then. The features considered beautiful would change over time, based on whatever was associated with the rich. This was to sieve out the “elite” and “more worthy” from the rest.

How This Relates to Anxiety Around Attractive People

Of course, this segmentation is faulty and not true. Whether a person is born with XYZ features has no bearing on their beauty or worth. Every look is beautiful, and a person’s worth and value is so much more complex than just something defined based on how well a person conforms to a beauty look — and this beauty look is in turn defined based on socio-economic factors that are outside of a person’s control.

This brings me to my main point. If you feel nervous around attractive people, or you feel negatively affected by handsome men (or beautiful women) like Kristi, it boils down to your underlying associations with attractive people.

Let’s say you feel nervous around beautiful women. When you dig into this nervousness, perhaps you perceive beautiful women as better, more worthy than other women. Attractive women are sought after by other men, and they turn heads and are desired by many. This makes you feel inferior because you are worried that if you’re rejected or spurned by an attractive woman, you will be seen as lousy and undesirable. Of course this isn’t true, but your subconscious beliefs are such.

Or let’s say you feel nervous around handsome men and you often wish that every handsome man you meet will notice you and fall in love with you. Why, though? Why would handsome men make you feel this way, but not “regular” men? When you dig into this feeling, it’s because you perceive handsome men as “better” than others because of their good looks. Girls swoon over them; people regard them highly because of their looks. They are the object of attention and affection by other women (and even men). If a handsome man falls in love with you, that means that you are desired, respected, “seen.”

And why would this matter? Because you sometimes feel “unseen” in your life. You wish that you can be “seen,” recognized, respected. And the attention of someone who is visible, desirable, and respected will make you feel that way.

In either case, is the answer to seek affirmation from an attractive person? Of course not. For some people it is, and they spend their entire lives chasing after the affections of so-and-so attractive people, without ever knowing as much as the personality and true self of the person they are in love with. The real answer is to understand your stories surrounding attractive people, and to address your inner voids triggering these feelings. Because it is your stories surrounding beauty and yourself that you are reacting to, not the supposed attractive people.

For example, if you don’t feel “seen” in your life, understand why. Maybe you don’t know who you are and your place in this world. You feel that you are following a trajectory in your life that you didn’t really set for yourself. Uncovering your inner self, and discovering your life purpose and values, is a good start. My Live a Better Life in 30 Days is a great kickstarter program to get you moving towards your ideal life.

Or let’s say you feel low in self-worth. Understand why you have a low self-worth. Perhaps you were never taught to develop your self-worth, but to look to others’ affections, your status, and your achievements as a way of validating your identity. An attractive woman is like a validator of your worth, because she is recognized as worthy by others. Of course this is not true since your worth is not defined by others, but yourself. Read How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World

This is the same for any gap or deficiency you feel in the presence of attractive people. If an attractive person makes you feel negative, nervous, or even unattractive, understand why. Dig into this feeling. Usually it’s because of an unhealthy belief you have surrounding attractive people — perhaps that they are better, superior, more worthy, more desirable, etc. — which isn’t true. Your nervousness mirrors a feeling of deficiency in your life. Understanding it, and addressing it from within, will help you remove this endless push-pull feeling you have when meeting such people.

Endnote

In the end, your goal is to feel neutral when meeting “attractive people,” just as you would with any other person. Or rather, to feel excited meeting them simply because you are excited to meet someone new. You want to connect with people authentically, as themselves. To see someone as who they are, not based on a fantasy or conditioning. Even though majority of society look at people with tinted glasses based on how they fit a beauty mold, these people also struggle with push-pull feelings of infatuation and projections surrounding attractive/”non-attractive” people. In the end they are just living in their own mental projections.

When you do feel excited, happy, or nervous when you see someone, these feelings should come from your personal connection with him/her and your genuine interest in him/her, not based on the projections in your mind. That’s when you see someone for who he/she really is, rather than what you think he/she is. 🙂

Lastly, remember that every look is beautiful, equally beautiful. You have been taught to perceive conventionally handsome men and beautiful women as attractive, and they are indeed attractive people. The next step is to open your eyes to see other looks as beautiful too — because they are as beautiful as the conventionally attractive people you see. When you do that, you will see that everyone is special, different and just as beautiful, and perhaps that’s when you feel nervous/excited meeting everyone — because you are genuinely excited to get to know them and their story, the same way I feel when I meet everyone in my life. 🙂

For more reading:

• The Beauty of Self – Why I Used To Feel Inferior about My Looks and Why I No Longer Feel That Way
• Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?
• How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
• What If I Lack Physical Spark with My Partner?

What If I Lack Physical Spark With My Partner?

Couple kissing (Image: stephen frith)

“Hey Celes, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He broke up with me because he felt that I didn’t enjoy the physical intimacy (like kissing, hugging or even more) and he didn’t feel appreciated, and was no longer motivated in seeing me due to my behavior.

Truth is, I’m not so much of a physical person… and it hurts me because I thought we could connect emotionally and support each other through hard times, only to know that he didn’t see me in the same way. He told me that although emotional support is important, he felt that a relationship wouldn’t go long without physical intimacy and he complained the lack of spark between us. I realized that he is in his early 20s so physical intimacy probably matters to him… but this also made me realize that he didn’t truly love me (and that kinda hurts as well).

May I ask how you dealt with these kind of stuff when you were single? Did any of these issues bother you and your husband? Thank you!” — Madaline

Dear Madaline, I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. I hope that you have been healing well and that you have already read my moving on series, where I share tips on moving on from a relationship.

So first off, you should never, ever be pressurized into physical intimacy with your partner. It doesn’t matter how much he wants it or how strongly he feels about it. If your boyfriend wants to be physically intimate but you don’t, it’s a no. Even if he threatens to break up, it’s still a no. If anything, him threatening or changing his tone after you deny him intimacy is a red flag of his priorities and real interest in you.

You didn’t share specifics about the “lack of spark” your ex-boyfriend mentioned.

1. Did he want more physical intimacy but he didn’t get that? Did he want sexual intimacy (or more of it) but he didn’t get it?
2. Or did he get physical intimacy, in terms of the kind of intimacy and the frequency, but he felt a lack of chemistry during these times?

Either way, let me address them accordingly.

4 Components of a Relationship

I see every relationship as having 4 components: Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.

• Mind is intellectual, mental compatibility; the ability to share ideas, talk about them.
• Heart is emotional compatibility; the ability to open up and be vulnerable, to have shared emotions and to empathize easily with each other.
• Soul is spiritual compatibility, which I think is not very relevant for the purpose of this article and is also somewhat abstract, so I’m not going to go into this here.
• Body refers to physical compatibility, which includes physical attraction to your partner and sexual compatibility. By physical attraction, I don’t mean “love at first sight” because contrary to popular opinion, physical attraction can grow over time as you know someone, even if you didn’t find the person attractive initially. I wrote about this before here: Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?

For any romantic connection to progress, it needs to have compatibility in at least one area — Mind, Body, Heart, Soul. If there is emotional compatibility, it creates a stable base for compatibility to be built in the other areas: mind, body, and/or soul. Same if there is existing mental compatibility; it allows for compatibility to be built in the areas of body, heart, and/or soul. Same for physical compatibility.

Note that I’m referring to the potential for a romantic connection to progress, not criteria for marriage which is a different thing.

So take for example, someone is a strong intellectual fit with you (mental compatibility) but he is a complete ass. On the other hand, you want a sensitive partner who cares about your feelings. Clearly there is no emotional compatibility here.

But perhaps he is a nice person at heart and behind his blunt words are good intentions. Maybe he is not aware of his bluntness, and if given the chance, he wants to express himself in a more sensitive way. Here, there is potential for emotional compatibility. Even if there is no emotional compatibility now, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be in the future. So it’s not the end of this connection, and it’s about nurturing it to see how it can grow.

But what if there is both emotional and mental compatibility, but no physical compatibility? What should you do?

When There is a Lack of Physical Spark

Three things to note:

1. It depends on how important physical compatibility is to you.
2. It depends on your immediate “expectations” for this relationship, whether you’re looking at it short term or long term.
3. You have to consider that everyone has the ability to grow, so what’s more important is the person’s desire to grow and his/her interest in this area. Just because someone isn’t physically compatible with you now doesn’t mean he/she won’t be forever.

So this is where it gets subjective. There are people to whom physical intimacy is very important. They need physical intimacy, they connect with their partners using sex as their language of love and perhaps as a form of release, and they don’t have any notion for or against premarital sex. So for these folks, one-night stands and flings are a norm, and they see sexual intimacy early on in a relationship as normal and necessary. If you are someone who doesn’t care too much about physical intimacy and sex isn’t your primary language of love, and you are with someone who prioritizes sexual intimacy above all things, then this connection is probably not going to work for long (unless one or both of you change in this area).

But then there are people to whom physical intimacy is important, but emotional/mental compatibility is even more important. To them, sex/ physical intimacy is just one component of the relationship, so they focus on looking for a partner with whom they can connect emotionally/mentally first, before looking at other areas. For such people, they select their partners based on their emotional and mental connection first, and then let their physical closeness with each other build up naturally, rather than filtering people based on physical intimacy.

So I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for 3 years before they got married. During their courtship they weren’t sexually intimate, though her boyfriend was previously sexually involved with his exes. They were, however, kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.. They are now happily married with a kid.

For myself, my primary language of love is not physical touch; it’s communication and words. I like to speak to connect with my partner, to know how he is doing, and to know him on a deeper level. On the other hand, my husband had many relationships in the past and he was pretty much sexually involved with all his past partners, including flings and one-night stands.

But this disparity didn’t stop us from connecting deeply. For me, when I asked him what he thought about deferring sex, he said he didn’t care because the connection between us is stronger than what he had ever felt before. The whole notion of sex early on in the relationship, later, after marriage, or even never for some bizarre biological reason was a mere triviality. In a different relationship he might have been concerned as he had encountered sexual incompatibility issues with some partners before, but this concern simply didn’t come up for him with us. He said the whole thought of sex or no sex paled in comparison to what we have. I happen to think his views are a little extreme (no sex forever may be too much I think), but I wanted to share this as a differing point of view from the narrative we always hear (that men are all about sex).

Now I’m not trying to say that sexual intimacy isn’t important. Sexual/physical intimacy is important, and it is part and parcel of a successful relationship.

Bu sexual/physical intimacy, for the most part and for most couples, arises out of a strong emotional and mental compatibility. In the cases I’ve looked at, couples supposedly dealing with an issue with a lack of physical spark or physical incompatibility are always invariably dealing with emotional/mental compatibility issues of some kind. Even though they may think that they are dealing with a unique issue in sexual/physical incompatibility or mismatch in sex drives, there are usually underlying factors causing this issue, usually an incompatibility in other areas.

For example, I knew someone who divorced his wife because they didn’t have sex at all in their entire marriage of 3-4 years. While it looked like an issue of physical incompatibility, when I dug deeper, it turned out that there was never a real emotional or intellectual connection from the start, leading to sexual emptiness in the relationship.

It is also important to note that there may be changes in our lives (such as work stress, down periods in life, etc.) that create intimacy issues with our partners. This is again linked to emotional and life factors rather than real physical mismatches.

Which brings me to this point: My sense is that the “lack of physical spark” is possibly not the real reason for your breakup. There is likely a missing compatibility in some other area (emotional, shared visions, shared values, aspirations, whichever it is) that caused physical spark to become an issue and the issue, hence causing the breakup.

Now, this isn’t a bad thing. Rather I think it’s a good thing that both of you broke up, because the point is that there was some incompatibility that caused “physical spark” to be an issue. So say you change yourself hugely to fill the gap in “physical spark” due to your ex’s complaints. Not only would you become a different person from your natural self, but you would also find yourself having to change more things to keep the relationship afloat, to fill up other areas of incompatibility. Or say your ex was truly looking for a lot of physical intimacy and it was the sole and only issue. Then the relationship simply wouldn’t work because that’s not how you naturally are or at least that’s not how you feel when you are around him (and there’s nothing wrong with this).

How to Build Physical “Spark”

So how should we deal with situations where there’s really a lack of physical spark, but there’s a strong emotional/mental connection? Like I said, I think most couples dealing with a lack of physical spark or physical incompatibility are really dealing with issues with other kinds of compatibility. There are exceptions where the gap in physical compatibility is really due to non-relationship factors (like a real biological mismatch or one’s deep-set fear towards physical intimacy), but those are the exceptions. Meaning if someone feels a lack of physical spark with their partner, I’d advise to look at the relationship fundamentals first vs. focusing on the physical component which is usually the effect.

But say you feel emotionally and mentally compatible with someone, and you’re fearful about being physically incompatible with him/her. What should you do?

Firstly, think of physical intimacy as a spectrum, not a binary “yes it’s there, no it’s not there” thing. Meaning, I wouldn’t worry about having instant physical chemistry with someone from that first act of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc.), but about building this chemistry over time.

Secondly, think of physical intimacy as having many stages. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, french kissing, petting, and so on. Even within each stage there are various degrees of progression. Depending on one’s comfort with physical closeness, some of these stages may only be done after marriage or later on in the relationship. Either way, you can already work on building chemistry within your range of comfort. For example, maybe you had a weird first kiss with your partner. Slobbery, wet, weird. But adopt a fun-loving, experimental mindset towards it and allow yourself to keep trying.

After a few tries, and as both of you get familiar with each other’s lips and kissing styles, kissing starts to feel normal between the both of you, and it starts to become something that you look forward to! Same for hugging, cuddling, french kissing, and any other physical activity.

Thirdly, let’s say there is zero connection when you kiss, hug, and even when you see your partner — like you don’t feel excited/happy at all when you see him/her. AND, you still don’t feel any connection after many weeks and months of being together. THEN yes, there may be a problem, and this is something you should talk about with your partner, to let him/her know how you feel, that there’s this issue, to understand the blockage, and so on.

Endnote

In short, I wouldn’t worry too much about achieving an instant physical spark with someone or having no spark with future romantic prospects, unless you have some deeply rooted issues with intimacy (which I don’t think is the case for you, and which would be a separate thing altogether). Physical chemistry and compatibility is something you build with your partner, through open communication, understanding each other’s likes and dislikes, and an openness to explore new things.

Everyone has the ability to grow and develop, and one’s physical preference and inclination doesn’t stay fixed forever. Also, when you love someone and you’re emotionally connected, you will naturally want to be close with him/her vs. forcing yourself to kiss/ be intimate with him/her. It’s your role, as much as it’s your partner’s role, to build on your physical chemistry together vs. it being something that magically happens.

Interestingly, by looking at physical intimacy as something that grows organically and adopting an open and fun-loving mindset towards it, it puts less pressure on you and helps you focus on building your connection with your partner, which then provides the foundation on which strong physical intimacy is built on. 🙂

Also read:

• Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?
• I Get Nervous When I See an Attractive Guy/Woman. What Should I Do?

How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner

(Image: Ben Salter)

“Dear Celes, I really love reading your blog. You are my role model! I am actively working on revamping and changing my life with the help of your blog.

Celes, I have a huge problem. I am abusive. I have made it my duty to stop cursing and stop raising my hands to my partner. But yesterday I snapped and hurt my partner again — I REALLY do not want to do this. I grew up in a household with domestic violence and I wish to be better than that.

However, my partner frustrates me sometimes and I feel as though she never listens to me — she always denies her mistakes or apologizes but does not mean it. I feel heartbroken that we are hurting each other. I love her. She has forgiven me but I want this to stop once and for all.

Your advice will be very much appreciated.” — Enchanted

Dear Enchanted, thank you for sending this letter. I want to applaud you for sending in this in because it takes courage to seek help on a matter like this. As you know, there is a strong stigma surrounding abuse, for both the victim and the abuser. Yet you have bravely sent in your question and I’ll do my best to assist you.

Laying Out the Problem

Let’s try to break down the problem here:

1. Your partner frustrates you sometimes.
2. In response, you become abusive sometimes, which can include cursing and raising your hands to her.

On #1, this is understandable. All relationships have their moments of frustration. My husband and I have moments when we frustrate each other too. Usually we handle these in a variety of ways from letting it pass to discussing to arguing, but we always try to resolve them and reach a positive place.

But #2 is an issue. Because as much as someone frustrates us, physical violence isn’t the way to handle the situation, whether the person is a stranger or a partner. One may say that it’s worse when the violence is meted out to your partner because this is someone you love, who trusts you not to inflict harm on him/her.

The good thing is that you recognize that (1) this abuse is a problem and (2) you want to stop it. There are abusers who feel that abusing others is okay and they are entitled to violence against their partner. These people have a separate problem altogether. You clearly do not think that way. So how do we tackle this?

Understanding the Source of the Physical Abuse

First, let’s understand the source of the abusive behavior. As we have established above, the source isn’t that your partner frustrates you or her frustrating behavior (that she never seems to listen to you). There are many couples who face problems, including feeling that their partner isn’t listening to them, yet it doesn’t result in violence. Or you can put someone else in your position, in this exact situation, and he/she would probably feel irritated, but not get violent.

The source is something else, and we’re here to understand what.

Enchanted, you mentioned that you grew up in an abusive household and I feel this could well be a strong link to your abusive behavior. According to studies,

• About one-third of people abused in childhood will become abusers themselves.^[1]
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of non-violent parents.^[2]
• Children of domestic violence are three times more likely to repeat this cycle in adulthood.^[3]

Why is this so? That’s because our childhood years are our most formative years. That’s when we form a big chunk of our life scripts, what I call childhood stories, until we consciously rewrite them later. So imagine a child who grows up in an abusive household. The subconscious beliefs formed become something like

• “It’s okay to use violence on others.”
• “Using violence on loved ones is a normal behavior” (because the child’s parents used it on him/each other).
• “I can use violence to express rage.”
• “Violence can be used if the situation calls for it.”
• “Violence is a way to exert control.”

Even if the child is later educated in school/society that violence is a no-no, this will not override his/her fundamental childhood beliefs — especially if they are deeply embedded, especially if the child never got to work through these false beliefs.

I’d like to stress that such beliefs can develop even if the child didn’t grow up in an abusive family. It could be from being a victim of a violent crime, from childhood neglect, from growing up in a verbally abusive family, from being in a broken household, or from being bullied.

As a result, you can have situations where the child, now grown up, is completely nice and gentle. You can’t tell that he grew up in an abusive family or that he’s prone to violent tendencies. He is in total control of his behavior and he genuinely cares for others. (I use the male pronoun for simplicity. A woman can a perpetrator of domestic violence too.)

However, when he gets riled up, this is when anger takes over and things get ugly. His childhood conditioning takes over as he starts shouting at his partner (or child), yelling and perhaps hitting things and hitting him/her. It’s like he’s a demon possessed. He says things that he doesn’t normally say and he does things that he would never, ever do. Alcohol aggravates this behavior as it lowers inhibition and rational thought, and causes the deeper issues to surface.

When everything is over and the dust settles, he begins to deeply regret what he did, said. He apologizes and vows never to do this again. And he really tries his best. But somehow there will be something that trips him down the road, resulting in the same cycle all over again. This is known as the cycle of violence.

To those of you who can relate to Enchanted’s problem, does this feel familiar?

1) Violence is Not the Start of the Problem

The first thing I’d like you to understand is that violence is not the start of the problem. Violence is the tip of the problem, albeit a very extremely serious tip with grave consequences.

The real problem started way before the violence surfaced. It could be when you witnessed or was at the receiving end of domestic violence in your household. It could be when you made certain conclusions about yourself and the world after experiencing the abuse. These incidences, combined with other issues/beliefs, brewed over time to give rise to abusive behavior.

Hence, when the abuse happens, it’s because there has been a certain build up of pain, angst, and grievances, as well as a lineup of preconditions (like abusive beliefs), that results in the lashing out. This is why the abuse occurs despite your best effort — it’s often the final display in a series of unresolved issues.

By saying this, I’m not in any way excusing the abusive behavior. Your partner has physical and emotional pain that she now needs to live with, as do you — but understanding this is crucial to get resolution.

As a result, working on the abusive tendency only isn’t going to solve the problem. You need to get to the root of the issue. Because of that, if you are abusive, I recommend you get professional aid as resolving this will take time. I will, however, keep writing this article to give you a general guide.

2) Understand What’s Triggering the Violence

There are usually triggers to violence. If not, you would be violent to everyone 24/7 which isn’t the case. (There are people like that and they obviously suffer from a different problem.)

Our goal is to understand what these triggers are. It doesn’t mean that these triggers are the issue though. Like I mentioned, violence is the tip, not the start, of the problem. Likewise, these triggers are merely catalysts of the abuse. There are certain pre-existing issues causing the violence to occur. Knowing what these triggers are will give us insight into these deeper issues.

I have an exercise for you:

1. Get some quiet space with yourself.
2. List the past three incidents when you got violent with your partner (or kid, or family member). If there’s been one incident in total, then work with this one.
3. Think about what happened in each incident before you got abusive. Perhaps your partner wasn’t listening to you, said something that insulted you, or did something that pissed you off. Write this down.
4. Pick the incident where you had the biggest reaction. Imagine you are in the situation right now, getting abusive. Ask yourself, 
   

   Why am I getting violent?

5. Type the answers that follow. Think of it as having a conversation with yourself, and keep probing until you get to the root reason of the violence. Be prepared for strong emotions surfacing. You’ll know the root cause when you reach there.

Take for example, someone who gets abusive when his partner refuses to listen to him. Here is a set of possible answers:

• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I’m very angry
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because she keeps rattling off even though I’ve told her to stop
  • Because she refuses to listen to me
  • Because it’s the only way to get her to stop
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because it’s the only way to make her pay
  • Because otherwise she won’t know how serious I am
  • Because I hate her
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I don’t know what other way to get through to her
  • Because I’m already tried my best
  • Because I’m at my wits’ end
  • Because I don’t know
  • Because I don’t know better
  • Because I’m a pile of shit
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I hate myself
  • Because I don’t know what else I can do
  • Because I just want her to listen to me
  • Because I feel like I’m alone in this world
• Why am I getting violent?
  • Because I just need her to listen to me
• So why violence?
  • Because if I don’t use violence, I don’t know if she will ever listen to me. I may never get my point across. I may never be heard and understood.
• So why violence? Because you have no right to use violence.
  • Because I don’t know any other way. Violence is the only way I know to get heard. 
• Why is it important to get heard?
  • Because if I don’t get heard, I don’t exist. I’m not a real human being.

The answer is out: as it turns out, the person in this example gets abusive because he is screaming to be heard. If he is not heard, he becomes non-existent; a non-existent human being. This thought terrifies him and he cannot accept it. So he desperately lashes out in physical violence, screaming and crying for the one person who matters to listen to him: his partner.

Does this justify the violence? No of course not. Violence is not justifiable under any circumstances, unless it’s self-defense. The above is meant to understand the trigger for the person’s abusive behavior. Of course when you think about it, it doesn’t make sense because not only does violence not help one get heard, but it will make any trusted communication difficult in the future due to fear and trauma. But many deep personal issues are not logical and stem from emotional difficulties. It’s important to recognize and understand them to start the healing process.

Besides this, there can be other reasons for domestic violence. Such as

• Using violence to keep love by your side;
• Using violence as an act of superiority and to create power over your victim;
• Using violence to release your pain;
• Using violence as an act of vengeance, to make your partner “pay” for a wrongdoing (say, infidelity); and
• Using violence to feel that you’re wanted/needed.

Continue the exercise for the other two incidents. If you have more incidents to dig into, repeat with them. Keep doing this until you’ve uncovered all the root causes of your abusive tendencies.

3) Deal with the Root Issues

Depending on your results, you can have multiple factors driving your abusive behavior. These factors can be different or related. Each factor likely deals with a deep personal issue, possibly linked to the trauma you experienced as a child. Get down to the root of each root issue (yes, there are roots to roots) and understand how it came about.

Let’s say you have been using violence to get heard. Your reason is that if you don’t get heard, you feel that you don’t exist. Some questions to dig into are

• Why do you have this belief?
• What makes you think that you don’t exist?
• When did this thinking start, and why?
• How can you start “existing” in this world?

Or let’s say violence is your way to keep love by your side. You feel that you lack love and you cannot stand the thought of not having someone with you. Some questions to think about are

• Why do you lack love?
• What’s keeping you from feeling love?
• What’s love to you?
• How can you start loving yourself?

Tackling each root will likely open a floodgate of emotions: anger, bitterness, hatred, pain. It will also open up a flood of childhood memories and unhappiness. While uncomfortable, it’s necessary because this is the s*** that was not processed before, that subsequently led to your violent behavior today. What’s different is that you’re now an adult, stronger and more conscious of who you are. What was confusing before can now be properly analyzed as you are able to dissect and understand them.

The above will take time. You need time to work through grief, pain, anger, hate, and perhaps even loss. I recommend you to read my How To Deal With Anger (series), which is on removing anger from your life and identifying deeper issues that drive anger in us.

In any case, the self-healing must happen, first and foremost, before you can expect a fully functional relationship with your partner. You must work on your self-love before turning to your partner for love. You must work on your issues on “being heard” before expecting your partner to listen to you. You must work on neediness issues instead of turning your relationship into a needy one. Because unresolved internal issues will ripple out to your relationship with your loved ones — it’s not a coincidence that your inner struggles have impacted your life. When you heal yourself, you make it possible to have a meaningful relationship with others.

4) Use Coping Strategies in the Interim

As the healing will take time, it’ll be good to have coping strategies to manage the abusive behavior. I recommend the following:

1. As there is an unhealthy dynamic between you and your partner right now, I recommend you limit physical contact, at least until you feel that you have made enough headway in your recovery such that the abuse will not recur. This is really for your safety and her’s (or his). With the internet and smartphones, it’s easy to still be in touch while not being physically by each other’s side. If you are spouses, consider living in separate places (like with your own parents). Time apart will also help you focus on solving your inner issues.
2. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you must cut off complete contact. Keep your partner in the loop of your discoveries. Involve her so that she can encourage you and be a part of your healing process. 
3. Should you need to meet,
   1. Meet in public spaces. If not, have at least 1-2 other people (adults) in your company.
   2. Have your partner save a few emergency helplines on speed dial and keep her phone on her at all times. She should call them should there be anything amiss.
   3. If you feel anger stirring in you and your abusive side surfacing, get as far away from your partner as possible. Leave the place. Journal the questions I provided in Step #2. Write as much as you need and let the angst flow through the words. Get to the root of why you’re suddenly feeling the need to be violent. Is it a new root? Or something you’ve already uncovered but have not fully addressed? Address it as per Step #3.
4. Your partner should call a domestic abuse helpline to receive counseling as a victim, so she is better equipped to deal with abuse situations.

5) Recognize the Sacredness of Your Partner’s Body

As you work on your self-healing, I want to bring attention to the sacredness of the human body. One of the factors of domestic violence is that the abuser feels like they “own” the victim’s body and they have the right to do whatever they wish to it. This belief is subconscious rather than conscious, especially if the abuser does not consciously want to abuse.

Understand why there’s a part of you that is okay with hitting your partner. You may have these answers:

• “Because she’s a part of me”
• “Because I can do whatever I want with her”
• “Because she’s my spouse/partner and hence she’s ‘mine’“
• “Because she says she loves me and hence she’d be okay with that. She’d understand.”
• “It happened before and she forgave me. So, she’ll forgive me again even if I lose control.”

Go through each statement one by one and ask yourself if it’s really true.

Because while she is your partner, that doesn’t give you the right to hit her or feel like you can “control” her. Your partner is an individual human being, as are you. Her body is sacred as is yours. Rather than subconsciously feel that you “own” her body because she is with you, you should recognize and treasure the sacredness of her body, as you would with any human being’s. Your partner is a separate human being and she deserves love, respect, and dignity as do you. To use violence on her would be to disrespect who she is and abuse your place as her lover and partner. This understanding is fundamental to breaking abuse patterns.

Wrapping Up

Abuse is a very deep topic and it’s not possible for me to cover everything in just one article. What I’ve done is provide some general pointers to put you in the right direction. I hope I’ve helped in some way.

This article is not meant as a replacement for professional help for addressing abuse. I highly recommend that both you and your partner get professional aid in addressing this episode. For your partner, it’s important because there is trauma associated with abuse. Letting this sit in her without dealing with it may result in a cycle of violence later in her life.

I did a Google search and there are many organizations that provide domestic abuse help. Here are some helplines to call; these helplines are 24/7:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
• Love is respect (US / for teens)
• National Domestic Violence Helpline (UK)
• 1800 RESPECT (Australia)

Even if you’re not in those countries, I think you can just call them — I honestly do not think that they restrict help only to people in their locality. Skype lets you make international calls; just add the country code in front of their hotline number.

There are also domestic abuse counseling services in many countries and you can do a Google search for results in your locality. Just calling the helplines above will be a great start.

Please keep me posted on how this goes, okay?

If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, read: I’m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?

Also read: How to Let Go of Anger (series)

Are Looks Important in a Marriage Decision?

“Hi Celes, I’ve read your soulmate series on how you met your husband. Would you have married him if you weren’t PHYSICALLY attracted to him? Personally I’ve encountered good/nice/okay guys who have expressed their interest, but I rejected them as I was not physically attracted to them.

My key question is, what if you only like someone’s character but don’t feel physical attraction towards him? Does marriage require physical attraction, or should looks be abandoned?” — Rachel

Have you ever thought if looks are important in a marriage decision? How highly should you value looks when choosing a life partner? Reader Rachel recently sent in this question and I thought to respond via a blog post.

Marriage is a very personal decision. Some prefer partners who are very good looking, while some don’t. Some like their partners to be fuller while some prefer their partners skinny. Add to the fact that beauty is subjective, it becomes impossible to give this question a definite answer.

But if you ask me, IMO, looks, in the grander scheme of things, should be a secondary criterion. That’s because looks are temporary, while our mind and soul, these are forever.

My Experience

By now most of you would know how I met my husband Ken; if not you can read my soulmate series where I detail our journey from how we met to how I knew he is the one.

So the first time I met him in school, I thought he was very good looking. Tall, well-built, and handsome, he was like a “dream come true” guy for me, though I was never looking for someone good looking. As a girl who was very self-inferior then, I didn’t think much of myself to think that I could ever have “a chance” with someone with such good looks.

When we reacquainted nine years later, he still looked good, albeit aged as he had been smoking and drinking so much in the years prior. He has since reversed the damages, looks-wise, after quitting smoking and drinking. And then when it came to assessing our compatibility in other areas, he turned out to be my perfect match, so it became a no brainer that he is the one for me.

My Husband’s Hair Loss

Now the thing is Ken suffers from severe hair loss. (I didn’t talk about this before as I didn’t think it was my thing to say, but I’ve checked with him and he says that I can write whatever I want.) Ken has premature male-pattern hair loss, a condition where men and women lose hair at their temples and/or the top of their scalps. The cause is unknown — funnily his dad is in his 60s and has tons of hair.

In Singapore, hair loss is seen as grossly unattractive, shameful, and embarrassing. If you look at the older male celebrities in Singapore compared to the ones in Hollywood, you’ll find that male celebrities in Hollywood have much higher hairlines (Leonardo Dicaprio, Nicholas Cage, Jude Law, Bill Murray) than the celebrities here. Here in Singapore, every male celebrity has lots of hair even in their 50s (Li Nanxing, Terence Cao, Thomas Ong, etc.), and their thick hair is more often than not from hair loss treatments rather than a natural thing. Many male celebrities here are also ambassadors of hair loss companies.

Add to the fact that many hair loss treatment companies here spend tons of money blasting their ads and create a lot of shame and negativity around hair loss, it perpetuates the idea that hair loss is unacceptable, shameful, disgusting. Among the general public, people generally feel that if you are losing the hair you need to fix this ASAP, even if you have to spend tons of money.

For Ken, the problem wasn’t just that he was losing hair but that he was losing it at a young age. Male-pattern hair loss hits 70% of men at some point in their lives, but for him, it started in his mid-20s and got really bad in his late 20s. By the time he was 30, he had lost over half the hair on his scalp. His hairline had a distinct “M” shape and the rest of his hair was very thin.

Male pattern hair loss scale. Ken’s hairline in his late 20s was somewhere between Pattern #2 Class 5 and 6. (Image: Alvi Armani)

Losing so much hair so quickly was naturally a saddening experience for him. This wasn’t natural hair loss over decades, but rapid hair loss in a few years. It made him look much older, like a man in his late 40s, rather than 29-30 which was his real age then. While he tried to take his hair loss into stride initially, he eventually saw a doctor who prescribed him medicine. This medicine seemed to work well as his hair started to grow back, and by the time we reacquainted (he was 31 while I was 28), he had regrown most of his hair.

What If Ken Was Balding When I Met Him?

Now the thing is, what if his hair never grew back? What if he was almost bald when we reacquainted? Would I have liked him? Would I have considered him romantically? Would I have married him, to quote Rachel’s question?

First off, this is a strange question to consider as Ken is my husband and we’ve been married for years now. I see him as a core part of my life just like PE is a core part of who I am, and it doesn’t matter if he has a lot of hair, no hair, or if he had a totally different face — I’d still marry him.

But if I am to imagine that I don’t know any of this stuff, that I am my 28-year-old single self with no awareness of what we’ve been through, and that Ken and I are just meeting for the first time again after years, then I’d say that I’d be shocked initially.

• Firstly, I already knew him back when he had lots of hair and all, so to see him balding and looking so different after just a few years would be quite surprising.
• Secondly, when you meet a date prospect for the first time, you’d generally expect him/her to at least look his/her age, sans good looks or smart dressing. I already knew that looks weren’t all that important to me at that time, but I did subconsciously expect that my dates would at least look their age — plus-minus a few years. Since Ken would look more like he was 45 rather than his real age of 31 with so much hair loss, this was something I’d have to “normalize” first.

However, beyond that, I don’t think it would have changed the outcome of our relationship. Why do I say that?

Firstly, the reason why I got together with my husband isn’t because of his looks. It’s because of his kindness, openness, reliability, and honesty. I remember being very impressed by him early on when we chatted as he was so selfless and giving. That he turned out to be very intelligent and conscious was a dream come true for me, so when it came down to whether to marry him, it was clear that he is the one for me. Perhaps his looks might have facilitated our connection at the beginning, as having someone who looks attractive to you would naturally pique your interest in a romantic way, but without all his other traits, our friendship would never have advanced to anywhere near relationship level.

The second and more important thing I want to say is something that I teach in Soulmate Journey, my course on finding love. During Soulmate Journey, I ask my participants to think about the kind of partner they’d like to have when they’re 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, and 100.

So imagine yourself at these individual ages. What qualities would you look for at each age? And what are the common qualities you would look for in a partner across all ages?

What would you look for in an ideal partner when you’re 30?

…how about when you’re 40? …50? …60?

…or when you’re 70? …80? …90? …or 100?

While there are traits that may seem important at particular phases of our life — for example, looks would probably rank higher when we’re 20 or 30 — chances are there are traits that continually appear throughout each age group, such as empathy, reliability, caringness, and so on. These are the real qualities to look out for in a life partner, vs. qualities that matter to you only right now. That’s because the latter group is transient, but the former reflects your real needs in a partner.

So when I thought about this question, I realized that the most important things to me in a partner whether I’m 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or even 100 are someone who is (1) kind and (2) committed to his growth. These are qualities that matter most to me and that I strive to uphold, and hence qualities I’d like my life partner to have too.

My husband met this in every way possible, and after we got together, the way he would always be there for me, be patient and supportive towards everything I say/do, and be caring, reliable, open, and trustworthy in just about everything made it clear that this is the man I see myself with for life. That he’s good looking and all that were not even vague factors of consideration. Marriage is a life-long thing and physical looks will fade away with time, just as celebrities come and go when their looks fade. There will be a day when both of us will be old and wrinkly, but who he is as a person? This is who I’ll live with forever.

Now say if Ken was really ugly (as defined by society) or he was seriously balding when we met. Perhaps I might be hesitant to date him initially out of fear of how others would perceive me. I was 28 then and others would generally expect that I should date someone who looked my age. That I have a public profile due to my work didn’t help — many people were already scrutinizing who I’d date and whether that guy would be attractive (since that’s the most immediately observable part of a person).

However, as we interacted more as friends, I would inevitably feel more drawn to him because of the strength of his soul, his intelligence, and all his other great traits — kindness, compassion, generosity, authenticity, etc. I would gradually be warmed by his heart and kindness, which was what touched me about him at first. I’d start to see how attractive he is as a person, with or without hair, with or without conventional good looks. I’d start to realize that he is actually very attractive the way he is and admire his features and look for what they are. I’d also start to realize that my fears were more vanity-driven fears, borne from living in a material world like Singapore.

And I’m sure I’d start to fall in love with him anyway, just like how I did in real life.

Physical Attraction

To set the record straight, I’m not negating the role of physical attraction in a relationship. It’s important to be physically attracted to your partner. It’s important that you find your partner attractive as he/she is. If not, there may be issues later on not wanting to be physically intimate with your partner after marriage, being physically repulsed by him/her as you see him/her day after day, and so on.

However, I’ve found that initial physical attraction is usually the result of conditioning since young. For example, perhaps you were taught to perceive X look as beautiful or handsome, and hence you gravitate towards guys/girls who look that way growing up. Perhaps you were taught to perceive Y look as attractive, and therefore you gravitate to guys/girls with Y look.

Yet, physical attraction isn’t something set in stone. In my experience, I’ve found that physical attraction (or non-attraction) towards someone can change over time, and it’s usually molded by the person’s character, heart, and soul.

I have in various instances found very attractive men repulsive looking after discovering a very ugly trait about them, such as them being very materialistic, judgmental, or fake.

I have (in the past) also met guys whom I felt were totally unattractive but later on grew to like them and actually found them very good looking — more so than conventionally attractive guys.

Of course, those connections didn’t work out, and I’m glad they didn’t because I’d never have found my true soulmate otherwise.

To You

Now I understand some of you may have a preference for a certain type or look and you won’t find someone attractive unless he/she matches this type or look. That’s perfectly understandable.

All I ask is that you be more open-minded in how you perceive someone’s looks. Beauty comes in all forms, shapes, sizes, and colors, and the reason we would perceive someone as attractive or not right away is because of how we’ve been conditioned to see beauty. However, if we would be more open in how we perceive beauty, I’m sure we’ll start to see beauty in all kinds of looks: tall or short, muscular or “scrawny,” sharp chin or round chin, double eyelids or mono eyelids, tall nose or round nose, sharp face or round face.

If you currently know someone who has a nice personality but you don’t find him/her attractive, don’t rule out this connection just yet. Here’s what I recommend:

1. Get to know him/her better as a person. All great romantic connections tend to start off as friendships. As opposed to judging this person by his/her looks at the onset, I suggest you look at him/her as just a friend you’re trying to get to know more first. This way, you can focus more on the connection as opposed to focusing on his/her looks. Spend some time to chat with him/her. Hang out as friends. Get to know him/her better.
2. Invite him/her to group outings. If you feel awkward going out solo with the person too often, invite him/her to group outings where both of you can meet other people while hanging out together at the same time. This will allow you to see other aspects of him/her too as he/she interacts with other people.
3. Explore areas of commonality. Do you have any common interests? Explore them. If you have any new goals, activities you want to explore, share with him/her and invite him/her along too. You want to build on your commonalities together and see if there is potential for this connection to go further.
4. Broaden your definition of beauty. As I mentioned, true beauty comes in all forms, shapes, sizes, and colors. If you really don’t find this person attractive in any way, then try and see the person for who he/she is and how he/she looks, without mentally benchmarking him/her to certain images of beauty. There is beauty in every physical feature and look. We just need to learn to see that. Read this article: The Beauty of Self
5. Assess your connection over time. After some time together, assess your connection. Do you see the potential for this to develop, be it as a friendship or romantic relationship?

   If yes, then continue to nurture it and see where it goes. There’s no need to put a timeline such as, “I’m going to cut this person away if I don’t feel attracted to him/her in 3 months.” Even if you don’t feel attracted or romantically interested in this person, keep him/her as a friend. (Unless you’re not even interested to have him/her as a friend — then let him/her go.) Many great relationships develop organically. I know a couple who only fell in love with each other after 1 year of being good friends. Before that, they were always only going out as friends, enjoying each other’s company, and never thought of each other as romantic prospects at all. In fact, they were the opposite of what they were looking for in a romantic partner.

   On the other hand, if this person is not even compatible with you as a friend and you’re not interested to stay in touch at all, then let him/her go. There’s no need to force something to happen. Think of it as a necessary step to attract more of the right people into your life.

All the 10 tips in 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love will apply as well.

As for my husband, his hair loss has slowly returned as we agreed for him to stop taking his hair loss medication. That’s because I don’t think that it’s healthy to take any medication on an ongoing basis, especially if it’s voluntary vs. being medically required. It doesn’t matter as balding is just a different look, just like having a lot of hair is another look. Either way, he’ll always be attractive to me. 🙂

Much love to your love journey, and let me know how everything goes! 🙂

(Images: Dating, Young couple, Middle-age couple, Elderly couple, Guy at bar)

‘I’ll leave love to fate.’ 5 Myths Keeping You from Finding Love, Debunked

For a long time, I wanted to set up this friend of mine. She’s attractive, smart, and an overall great catch. But every time we talked about love, dating, and possibly setting her up, she’d respond with,

I’ll leave things to fate.

At first I thought, Okay, maybe she’s just not ready. But then one year passed. Three years. Five years.

It’s been six years, and she’s still single. While there’s nothing wrong with being single, my friend does want to be with someone, but she does nothing about it, instead always saying, “I’ll leave things to fate.” As she’s closed off to being remotely proactive in love, I’ve stopped broaching the topic. Instead, I’ve moved on to set up other friends — one of whom has since entered a stable, happy relationship last year, due to Ken and I.

How much of a role does fate play in love? Do we truly have no role to play when it comes to love? Today, I’d like to share five common myths that may be preventing you from finding your “one”:

Myth #1: I’ll leave love to fate

While I was reading your responses to my recent survey on finding love, I noticed some of you adopt an external locus of control when it comes to love. “External locus of control” means having a worldview that things are out of one’s control and one doesn’t have a role to play in said outcome. In this case, views like…

I’ll let God decide if I should find love.

I don’t think one should take a course to find love. Feels abnormal.

I’m not sure if love is something you can force. I’m not interested to go out there and date. I rather let love happen to me by itself.

In these cases, these individuals do want love, they do want to be in a blissful relationship, but do not see themselves playing any role in making this happen.

Yet, the question comes to, “How much of a role do we play in finding love?” I can’t give you a definite answer, but it’s definitely not 0%. It’s also not 10%. From my experience, it can go anywhere from 40~% (myself) to as much as 99% (where my friends and clients have made pivotal moves that led to them finding their partners today).

Quantum Entanglement

Have you heard of “quantum entanglement”? It’s a physical phenomenon first revealed in 1935 in a paper by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen. They discovered pairs of photons, or “entangled” photons, connected by a strange link.

Apparently, when you separate individual photons in a pair, you can always infer the polarization of one photon by measuring that of its counterpart. So meaning if you have two photons (A and B), and photon A changes in polarization, the polarization of photon B will change too, to match that of A’s — regardless of how far apart they are.

It’s as if B knew that A has changed… despite the vast distance between them, despite there being no known way for them to communicate.

The invisible link between paired photons, unexplainable even by physicists today [More on quantum entanglement: 1, 2, 3]

When I saw this, I immediately thought of soulmates: Two beings with an unexplainable link with each other. Just like you’re a unique individual with your idiosyncrasies and talents, somewhere out there, there is someone who complements you in his/her own special way. Your parallel. Your yin/yang match. Your partner, to soar with you in life.

Now, when it comes to soulmates, there is this invisible link they share — all the way from birth (even before that actually; that’s how they were born as soulmates). Even if you don’t believe in soulmates and all this “woo woo” stuff, think of it this way: when you vibrate at your highest consciousness, one where you’re your highest self and ready for your highest love, you radiate your brightest energy that invisibly attracts people with similar energy. This includes like-minded souls, potential mates, and… your soulmate. Your ultimate relationship. Your true match.

Example: How I “Attracted” Ken into My Life

Since my early 20s, there were many things I did that helped prepare me for my best relationship. Firstly, living true to my path, quitting my job to start my business, and doing what I’m meant to do. Secondly, constant work at living true to myself, being my highest self, and being aligned inside and out. Thirdly, going into a serious deep dive into love and dating when I was 27–28, even entering into some romantic connections, which then helped me to be ready for my eventual relationship with Ken.

By the time I was “done,” my energy was radiating so brightly that Ken — we were just strangers then — got my “signal” loud and clear. One fine night, at 4:30am, he got a sudden inkling to organize his phone book when he should be sleeping. (Note that I was in South Africa and him in Singapore, so we were literally 5,400 miles apart.) This was the action that put us back in touch and led us to be together.

Did he need to organize his phone book? No. Why did he do it then? That’s anyone’s guess, but there were several clues that pointed to this being a synchronicity vs. an “accident”:

1. He never organizes his phone book. Ever.
2. He was deleting some names and sorting some names. Then he saw my name under “C” and thought of messaging me, even though he wasn’t organizing with the intent to message anyone.
3. Up till then, we had never messaged each other. My number had just been sitting in his phone for the past 4.5 years, probably from my business card.
4. Even though we last met 4.5 years ago (passed by each other on a street), he could remember me very vividly. (No, he wasn’t reading my blog then.)
5. After he messaged me, he stopped organizing his phone book and went to sleep. I was the only person he messaged that night.

His innocuous “hi” led to thousands of text exchanges, to us becoming a couple, to proposal, to marriage. And thus beginning our journey together.

If you ask me, we were drawn into each other’s lives because our consciousness was at the right match. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have re-acquainted; even if we did, we also wouldn’t be together since we wouldn’t be ready to receive each other yet.

Your Role in Love

While I think most people tend to assume a 0% responsibility in love, I’d like to suggest the opposite: You have a much bigger role to play in love than you think.

After all, when you’re inert in your love path, you naturally close yourself off from others. You project a closed signal, or even, no signal. You say you want to be in a relationship (or you wish to deep down), but on the outside you have this huge signboard that says, “Sorry, not interested [in love]. Go away.” This confuses the universe and leaves her wondering, Errr, what exactly does he/she want?

Since your intentions and actions don’t tally, you manifest misaligned results — jagged, sporadic encounters with men/women that don’t culminate into anything. For some: toxic, unfulfilling relationships. For others: a barren dating life, as they refuse to be involved in creating their love destiny. Which is really unfortunate, because deep down, you may be a terrific guy/girl, ready to meet your true love and create the relationship of your life!!

On the other hand, when you take ownership of your love life, suddenly, possibilities open up. Men/women you’ve never met before appear. People ask you out on dates, more so than usual. (This happened to me when I opened myself up, a year before I met Ken.) You meet more and more compatible men/women.

Because you are conscious of your role in love, you also take proactive, positive actions to attract your “one.” You start doing things that you don’t normally do, that seem random but are really leading you to your “one.” In turn, leading you to your “one.” ♥ 😀

To quote the site Twinflame Soulmates:

Synchronicity is a common occurrence between twin flames and soulmates (Celes: twin flames = soulmate lovers). There is synchronicity in the mirrored actions that occur within their lives […] that seem highly unlikely to have happened by chance.

Twin souls tend to meet when both are at the stage to accelerate their learning and growth. When one is ready for awakening, so will be the other, but it often comes down to the free will of each individual whether they are ready to look inward and take action […] or remain in the ego or shadow self.

Truth: Sometimes fate is busy; you need to give her a helping hand. By being proactive in love, it helps to set you on your love path, attract the right people, and open you up to new possibilities in love. 🙂

Myth #2: “Live your life” and love will come

People often harp on the saying, “Live your life and love will come your way.” After all, “live your best life” is one of my tips on finding love. In my soulmate series, I also shared how I was focused on “living my life” when Ken appeared.

While important, there are other parts to the love equation than just “living your life.” For example, removing your inner blocks to love. Processing emotional baggage (such as from past relationships). Uncovering your singlehood blocks, including fears about love, which many of us have. Processing said fears. Uncovering limiting beliefs about yourself. Addressing said limiting beliefs. Really opening your heart to love.

Until these are done, these blocks can hinder you in your love journey. Worse still, they may even attract toxic matches, because energetically you’re at the wrong place!

Before Ken re-entered my life, I was single the whole time. The key reason was because I was very choiceful about who I wanted to be with. I didn’t see a point in being with someone unless I felt a strong connection and saw potential together. (This person turned out to be Ken.)

Now, there was something else driving my singlehood: my subconscious blockages to love. Note that these blocks were deep blocks, meaning I didn’t know they existed until I did a deep dive into myself and love. If I hadn’t taken the time to seriously explore myself and love, I would never have uncovered them. These included

• Fear of being with someone
• Fear of not being good enough
• Feeling unworthy of love
• Innate desire to remain single, despite claiming otherwise
• Sexuality issues
• Lack of confidence in my worth as a woman
• Unclarified image of my ideal partner (I thought I had it smack down since 22–23, but no, I didn’t)
• Fear that I couldn’t find anyone
• Body image issues (Up till my mid-20s)
• Lack of confidence in my true beauty (Up till my mid-20s)

Energetically, these blocks dimmed my “light.” They “clouded” my aura, making it murky. As a result, they prevented me from radiating at my highest self, and even brought along a toxic bad connection (which I quickly chopped off). It was after I processed these junk and cleared my “stuff” that my aura could radiate at its highest level and draw Ken in (see Myth #1). If I didn’t clear these blocks, I don’t think I would have been able to attract Ken back into my life.

If you’ve been single for a while, or you consistently attract bad connections, it’s possible that you’re dealing with such blocks. Now, everyone’s blocks is different, specific to you and your story. You want to ask yourself, “Why am I attracting X people? / Why am I not attracting my desired match?”, “Is there anything blocking me in love?” and “How can I address these blocks?” These will help you get started in uncovering these blocks.

(In Soulmate Journey, I’ll be working with you to uncover your individual love blocks and address them, so that you can exude your best energy and attract the right one for you.)

Truth: “Live your life” is only part of the equation of finding love. If you’ve been single or attracting incompatible partners for a while, you likely have blocks blocking you from your highest love. Until these blocks are addressed, simply “living your life” will not change anything.

Myth #3: Love should happen naturally

The desire to find love “naturally” is very Asian (probably elsewhere too). Many people in Asia have a romanticized notion of love and refuse to take a proactive stance in love because they feel it’s “unnatural” and “abnormal.”

What is “natural” though?

• Not taking deliberate action to find love
• Finding someone in your “normal” environment, like work, school, church, or existing social network
• Not online dating, not arranged dating, not blind dates, not singles events
• Not taking courses to find love
• Pretending you don’t care about your love life when you do
• Even if you do take deliberate action, masquerade it such that it doesn’t look deliberate. For example: Pretend to accompany your friend to a party when you really want to meet girls/guys. Go to an event and feign interest when you’re really there for dates.

The problem with “naturally” is you’re a goner if you don’t meet anyone compatible in your “natural” environment.

Say you haven’t met anyone in school, and your current workplace has no compatible matches (e.g. everyone is already married or it’s flooded with males/females against your favor), that’s the end. Most people spend 10 hours in their jobs each day, rest and spend time with family / old friends in the weekend, rinse and repeat. Unless you switch jobs every six months or your job inherently lets you meet a flock of new people regularly (most jobs don’t), you ain’t gonna meet anyone by sticking to your routine.

Example: Female in Accounting, Surrounded by Females Every Day

I’ve a good friend in accounting, and that was what she faced.

I don’t know about other countries but here, accounting is a female-dominated career. Whatever few males are usually married, while there are a ton of females. Every year, there’s a new batch of young (female) graduates who enter the accounting field, so basically there’s a never-ending flood of women. (To give you an idea, 75% of Singapore ACCA members are female! ACCA is the global body for professional accountants.)

So, my friend started checking out random singles events with a fun, open attitude. She started this in her mid-20s, whilst most people only do so in their late 20s / early 30s (when social pressure weighs down on them). Didn’t meet anyone, but hey, it was good for the experience!

When her friend suggested setting her up with her other friend, she thought, Why not? Just meet as friends. Doesn’t have to lead to anything. And that she did. She and the guy hit it off, and became a couple after a few weeks. Then three years of dating. Last year, they got married.

If my friend hadn’t moved out of her “zone,” she wouldn’t have met her husband. If you ask me, they are one of the most compatible couples I know. And it all started from venturing out of her “natural” space to meet new people and possibly find love.

Truth: Your (future) partner isn’t going to jump out of your television set. If you haven’t been meeting anyone compatible, it may be time to change things up. Getting out there to meet new people, exploring personal interests (that let you meet others), and checking out new dating channels are places to start.

Myth #4: All good men/women are taken

While I was single, sometimes I wondered if all the good men were taken. I never held this thought for long though, because I believed in the abundance mindset. Just as there are great guys who are married, there are many great guys who are single too.

And then I met Ken, and I thought he is the best guy I could have ever met. However, before Ken, I kept meeting incompatible guys. This proved to me that there are amazing people out there who are single, and just because you don’t see them (yet) doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

If you think about it, there are seven billion people in the world. So assume you’re 30~35, female, and looking for a guy between 35 and 45. Assuming 50% gender split, proportional distribution between ages 15 and 64, and 38% singlehood rate for guys in your target ages, that leaves you with 0.18 billion guys in your range.

Let’s say you have some specific criteria (personality, religion, race, height, whatever) and only 0.01% of these guys match the criteria. (0.01% = 1 in 10,000.) That leaves you with 0.018 million guys. Or 17,556 guys. Single, compatible guys. That’s a lot!

And in today’s global world, where everyone is connected and physical space is no longer a real separator, that means it’s easier to meet new people than ever. So it’s no longer an issue of not having a right match, but rather, how can you ready yourself for your right one? And where can you start finding compatible people?

Now, this is the same for you even if you’re a guy looking for a girl. (If not relatively easier, because guys do have an advantage vs. women in dating, especially after the age of 30.) In fact, my recent client (male) just got into a stable relationship with a very nice lady — and it looks like she may well be the one! 🙂 Here’s an email he sent to me two days ago:

For [X], very well! I think it’s the first time I’ve been attracted to someone as much in both their personality and looks. I mentioned that I like a quirky sense of humor and we both got that. She’s big into nature and doing things outdoors which I’m sure you’ll remember is what I really like — but don’t do enough. She eats really healthy and tasty food which is a good influence on me.

So all in all, very happy! She’s a keeper. 🙂

We’ve got a trip planned soon. I’m not usually the type to book holidays so quickly when first going out with someone but it just feels right so we booked them after a few weeks together.

Thanks for being a top-notch coach.

He’s usually really deliberate about who he dates and getting into a relationship, so for him to say the above, that means he’s really serious. I could also feel the difference from how he described her as early as before their first date, and later after their second date, so I’m super happy to see them together and him so happy in the relationship now. 🙂

My point here is no matter who you are, your age, or your background, there are compatible matches out there for you. There are tons of great single guys and girls out there, and you can’t say that “all good men/women are taken” when you’re probably basing this on a sample strata that’s no more than 0.001% of the real world.

What next then? It’s then about aligning yourself inside and out to attract your right one, and subsequently taking positive action to draw him/her in and put things into motion. 🙂 (See above.)

Truth: There are many great singles out there, wanting to meet their right one. If you think otherwise, that’s just because you haven’t met them yet. Get out there and meet new people! 🙂

Myth #5: I’m never going to find someone

I hear this from so many of my single friends, readers, and clients. And I totally understand where they come from. Love can be hard. It can be dejecting. And it can be downright frustrating.

Just to lay this straight in case this is the only article you ever read here:

• You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
• You are complete as yourself.
• The reason you would want to be in a relationship is because it’s a new experience in life, it’s part and parcel of life’s growth, and being with the right person will help you to evolve in your path (and from you to him/her too).
• Being in a healthy, conscious relationship elevates your life to a whole new level. Ken and I were completely happy prior to meeting each other, and after getting together we found new dimensions to life that we never knew existed. You may have seen this in other couples as well.

That said, I want to let you know that to you reading this, it’s likely that I don’t know you (yet). It’s likely that I don’t know your romantic situation (yet). It’s likely that you’ve been fraught with many difficulties in love, been at the brunt of negative relationships before, or have simply not dated before as you’ve not met the right one.

But — don’t give up! Know that love is a beautiful thing, and it’s something that all of us have in store for us. You, me, everyone.

If you’re jaded or skeptical about your love path, just look at the success examples in this post. (There were actually more, but I had to cut them as the post was getting too long. For example, PE reader Rhonda, who’s 50, divorced, but is in a loving relationship now and heading towards marriage. My friend N, 40, divorced with two kids, but is in a loving relationship now too with a great eligible man who’s ready to take her kids as his own.) Look at the people in your life who have found their “one” after many years. These are people who were once jaded about love, but found their “one” eventually. The same goes to you too!

All of us are on our individual love paths, so don’t compare yourself with others. Instead, use others as examples of how you can find love too. Focus your energy on aligning yourself and attracting your best love, as opposed to being skeptical, which will only exude negative energy and attract bad connections. Clear your love blocks, take proactive action to match your intent for love, and live your best life true to yourself. Then, you will draw your right “one” in.

Truth: Love can be frustrating. It can be confusing. However, you’re not alone in your struggles. Just like how others have found their best love, you can too. Focus on owning your true power, clearing your love blocks, and taking proactive action to match your intent for love. Then, love will come your way.

Soulmate Journey: Ready to Take Charge of Your Love Destiny? ♥

I’ll be closing registration for Soulmate Journey, my upcoming course on attracting your highest love. I’ve been communicating with some of the registrants and am SUPER excited about working with you guys. 🙂

Soulmate Journey is a LIVE group coaching course, where I’ll be working together with you (and other participants) to move forward in your love journey. It is NOT a self-study course, meaning I won’t be throwing you a bunch of videos to watch on your own. It is NOT a course where I mold you into some cookie-cutter template to attract a big bunch of guys/girls — rather, it’s an authentic relationship course in self-alignment and conscious action to attract your highest love of all. To attract your highest love for YOU.

I’ve already blocked out my time for the next 10 weeks to work with you. I believe you deserve a truly awesome guy/girl, not incompatible dates/partners you may have been meeting (and force-fitting yourself to). I hope you give me this opportunity to support you in drawing your real love.

This is the FINAL CALL. The GOLD tier with personal coaching is sold out, but the standard course ticket with community access is still available. Get your ticket NOW to secure your spot. I am keeping the group small so everyone gets quality attention. I won’t be running this for at least another year.

Read more about Soulmate Journey here, register your ticket here, and I’ll see you guys soon. 🙂 First class starts Feb 28, and I can’t wait to get started with you! 🙂 

Registration will close once we reach quota.

Update 28 Feb: Our class is now FULL and registration is now closed. To be informed of the next run, subscribe to free PE newsletter. Thank you! 🙂

(Image: Heart in a bowl, Linked photons, Galaxy)

6 Falsehoods About Single People (including ‘Your Expectations are too High’)

Years ago, I was at a London pub with an acquaintance-friend, just hanging out. We were talking about relationships (both of us were single), and he asked me how many relationships I had been in before. I was 27 then.

“None,” I said earnestly.

His face paled. “…None?” he repeated. “Like you’ve never been in a relationship before?”

“Yep, been single my whole life,” I chirped, while ignoring the grave look on his face. I had been in a couple of short-term relationships up till then, but they were high-school trivialities that lasted no more than 1–2 weeks so they didn’t count. While I had been on dates and had been in budding romances before, none of them culminated to anything, so I regarded myself as always single.

The acquaintance paused. He took a sip from his drink, almost as if he needed to regain composure from what he just heard. Then he said, “You know, take it as a friend giving advice. When meeting guys next time, especially guys you like, don’t tell them what you just told me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying not to look insulted and hurt. “Like don’t tell guys that I’ve always been single?”

“Yeah. Don’t say you’ve never been in a relationship. Give any number, one or two. Just not zero.”

I paused, trying to hide my incredulous look while cautiously piecing together a diplomatic response. “But I’m not going to lie and tell people that I’ve been in relationships when I haven’t. That’s not who I am.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but if you tell guys that you’ve always been single, it’s not going to help. Trust me, I’m a guy. And I have many guy friends.”

The conversation quickly shifted to something else, but I remembered feeling slighted as a woman when we departed that evening. Lie about my singlehood? Why? Why should I have to hide my relationship history? Why should it be something to be ashamed about? It didn’t help that my acquaintance-friend was a presentable guy in his 30s, which left me wondering if there were really other guys who would think this way too.

Fast forward three years, and I’ve since met and married my soulmate. And no, I never had to lie or present a front, because I’ve always known that this isn’t the right way to attract real love. Games will only get you so far; real love is much grander than that.

While I’m now married, I remain passionate about helping singles to attract the love they deserve. That’s why I’m currently running a course Soulmate Journey to help singles attract the love they deserve. If you’re a single, you’ve probably been subjected to scrutiny and negative judgment from others due to your singlehood–and I want you to know that I FEEL YOU! As liberal our society has become, there are still many myths about single people today I want to burst with a pitchfork. Some are backward; some are plain untrue. Here are six common lies that singles are told regularly — can you relate to them?

Myth #1: You are undesirable

Have you ever felt that people lessen your worth just because you’re single? After all, everything in life comes in pairs. Our eyes, ears, lips, hands, legs, lungs, and kidneys. Being attached/married has always been seen as the de facto of life. To be single, not so much.

So when people see that you’re single, especially when you’re at or past marriageable age, some mentally discount your worth. Some assume you must be undesirable. Some wonder if there’s something wrong with you causing you to remain single even at your age.

But hey, is this true though? No, not really. Some singles may be single because they are choiceful about who to enter a relationship with. For example, I was single for so long because I didn’t want to get into a relationship with just any good guy, but someone I have a connection with. It took me 28 years to find my life’s true match, and as it turns out, this relationship is the only romantic relationship I need to be in. 🙂

For others, they may be prioritizing their careers or self-development currently. Then you have singles may just prefer to be single for now. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean he/she is undesirable; in fact, there are many very eligible singles out there, waiting to meet their “one”!

Myth #2: You have issues

Here’s the thing, and this may be an unpopular opinion: it is true that some singles have inner blocks that prevent them from getting attached. I shared about my own blocks before in my soulmate series, which included feeling I wasn’t good enough and fear of being hurt. For other singles, their blocks can be past failed relationships causing them to lose faith in love, also feeling they’re not good enough, lack of self-confidence, negative self-image, negative childhood stories, or even their own skepticism about love.

This collective mix of blocks leads to what I call the “singlehood aura” — an invisible “shield” that blocks singles from finding real love. (More on the singlehood aura and how to bust it in Soulmate Journey.)

Now, the problem with this stigma is that it connotes that singles are broken, incomplete beings who need a relationship to be whole, and that they are failures for not being with someone. That ain’t true at all. Not true at all.

When I say “issues,” I’m referring to blocks that any human being — you, me, your mom, my mom, the president, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey — has. All of us have issues to work through, but this doesn’t make us any less complete than others. Single people have issues, attached couples have issues, and so do married couples. Everyone has “stuff” to work through, no matter who you are. (When you consider that there are many married folks out there cheating on their other halves behind their backs, suddenly it’s clear that some couples probably have more “stuff” to deal with than some singles.)

Know that you are complete, and your singlehood isn’t a problem in itself. We are all in our individual paths and some of us attract love sooner while some later. While love will 100% elevate your life to the next level, it starts with you first recognizing you are a complete as yourself.

Myth #3: Your expectations are too high

It’s good to have high expectations. But when you’re single and past marriageable age, some people, especially older adults, chide you for having overly high expectations. “Stop being so picky,” they say. “Lower your expectations and settle with a decent guy/girl, or you may not find anyone anymore.”

Do singles have overly high expectations? Actually yes, some do. Some have ridiculous ideologies about how their partner should be like, from knowing how to climb mountains, to being witty and able to make them laugh, to knowing how to cook, to loving dogs, to belonging a certain faith. Now individually these traits are sound, but when combined, suddenly it becomes near impossible to find anyone that matches anything on your list.

However, I’ve found that such singles with fairy-tale ideologies aren’t common. Instead, the problem I’ve found with most singles isn’t that they have high expectations, but that they have wrong expectations. What do I mean? Clue: What most people think is what they want usually isn’t what they really want. That’s why they keep having problems finding their ideal mate — because they aren’t even looking at the right place for the right things! Hence, it isn’t about lowering your expectations which will only make you miserable in the long run (because you’ll just be “settling” then and repressing your real wants), but clarifying your real wants. (I share more on how to deep-dive and identify your ideal partner in Soulmate Journey.)

Myth #4: You are high-maintenance

In terms of relationships, high-maintenance means being emotionally needy and having a lot of expectations. This term is usually used to describe women. Some men seem to think that if a woman has always been single, she must be a crazy, clingy woman when attached. After all, she doesn’t have much relationship experience, so she’s going to be too *into* me after we become attached. It’s going to be difficult for me to break up with her later on. Better steer clear, is what some guys may think. Some may assume that since the woman is single, it’s probably because she is too demanding and hence hasn’t been able to get together with anyone.

Clingy = How a koala bear is to a tree

Well, I can see truths here and there. Indeed, some longstanding singles can be very independent before a relationship, but suddenly turn the 180 degree and become very high-strung, sensitive, and possessive after getting together with someone. Some singles do have crazy expectations (see Stigma #3) which prevents them from being happy with anyone. Sometimes it’s just a path that one has to get through as he/she works out his/her relationship needs and the role of a relationship in his/her life.

Yet, “emotional neediness” can happen for girls and guys, including those who’ve been in many relationships before. For example, I knew a friend’s friend who would go psycho and tell his friends about how his girlfriend was cheating on him etc. when she didn’t reply to his calls/texts. (No, I’m not joking.) This would happen for each girlfriend he was with, though I don’t know if he has worked through this issue internally. (And he prides himself at being a pick-up artist and teaches men how to pick up women — go figure?)

Clearly, clinginess in a relationship is more dependent on the person than a person’s relationship history. Some singles remain extremely independent even after getting into a relationship, because they had so much space to come into their own prior to getting together with someone. I was never clingy or emotional needy after I got together with my boyfriend / now-husband (in fact I remained quite independent for a while before shifting to interdependence), and it’s the same for my longstanding single friends when they got together with their boyfriends / now-husbands. So, to each his/her own.

Myth #5: You’re desperate

According to Dictionary.com, desperate means “having an urgent need, desire,” “actuated by a feeling of hopelessness.” In terms of dating, I see desperate as…

• Constantly obsessing to be in a relationship
• Being men/women hungry
• Constantly eyeing for men/women to hit on while you’re out, including when you’re at others’ weddings (and funerals)
• Hitting on multiple men/women (even if you don’t like them) just to increase your chances of getting attached
• Entering into a relationship with someone even when you don’t like him/her, just for the sake of being with someone

Desperate ISN’T

• Joining dating agencies, singles’ events, and online dating. These are simply avenues to date and meet people
• Being proactive in seeking your ideal partner
• Engaging a dating coach
• Joining a dating course
• Being open to be set up on dates

Some singles are desperate, yes. But many aren’t. Just because someone is single, and out there meeting singles and joining singles’ events, doesn’t mean he/she is desperate. There’s a difference between being proactive and desperate in love, and it’s time to toss outdated views out of the window including “love should happen naturally” and “I should leave love to fate (and not do anything about it).”

Myth #6: You’ll be left on the shelf (for ladies)

Now I may be biased since I’m female, but I feel females tend to be more stigmatized for being single than males. It’s really true, especially in Asia.

For example, here females tend to be seen as most eligible when they’re in their 20s, because that’s when they are (a) most attractive (as defined by the society), and (b) more likely to bear children. As they enter their 30s, late 30s, and beyond, they tend to “depreciate” in their value as a mate. It’s why dating agencies in Singapore generally accept females up to their early 30s. (In fact joining *only* when you’re in your early 30s may even be too late because girls in their 20s are preferred due to the above reason.) Older than that and you’ll probably be rejected. It’s not that the agencies stigmatize these women, but that such women simply aren’t in demographics that their male clientele is looking for.

On the other hand, men tend to be seen as eligible even when they’re in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. Think George Clooney, who was constantly named as America’s most eligible bachelor up till he got married last year at the age of 53. There’s Leonardo Dicarprio who, despite being 40, shows no signs of settling down as he changes supermodel girlfriends more often than I drink coffee. And there’s Donald Trump, who married for the third time in 2005 at the age of 59, with Slovenian model Melania Knauss (who was 35 then).

And should I mention Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy Enterprises, who recently re-married in 2012 at the age of 85? And his wife? She was 25 then, and 28 as of 2015. (She’s even younger than me.)

But, this whole “left on the shelf” thing? I think it’s baloney and should be thrown out of the window, because it’s an outdated view that only creates pressure on single women to marry quickly while young, leading to them being in relationships with someone they don’t love. This later leads to marital troubles, cheating, affairs, divorce, and what have you. (And that’s why you have services like Ashley Madison popping out of the woodwork.)

Yes sure, a woman’s fertility decreases in her early 30s and rapidly after 35. But there are women who have children in their late 30s. And not all couples need to have children; some already have children from previous relationships. And if you’re past the child-bearing age, there’s always adoption, and there are many orphaned kids there are out there who can do with a home. Lest you think adoption is only for women who can’t have babies, think again. We have Katherine Heigl, who has two beautiful adopted children with her husband. (She adopted them when she was 30 and 33.) We have Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together — 3 adopted, 3 biological.

My take is that everyone has a different love journey. Some meet their mate in high school. Some meet him/her in their 20s. Some in their 30s. Some meet their soulmate in their 40s, or even 50s and beyond. Just because a lady isn’t attached/married yet doesn’t mean she is doomed to be left on the shelf. There is a love story for every one of us, as long as we open ourselves and take the step to make it happen.

Be sure to read these articles:

• Do You Treat Dating as a Game?
• Are You Looking For a Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• ‘Online Dating and Arranged Dating Are For Desperate People.’ 5 Myths Keeping You From Finding Love
• Why I Used To Be Afraid of Intimidating Men and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore
• How To Find Your Soulmate (series)

Now Open: Soulmate Journey to Help You Find Love!

I’m conducting an all-new soulmate course to help YOU attract your soulmate, just like I have. If you’re a serious single who is ready to find love, this program is for you. I have been planning this day and night (my husband can attest to this; this is all that I keep talking about), and I can’t wait to work with you guys! Read: Soulmate Journey Course, to Attract Your Highest Love!

Update Feb 28: Class is now full and registration is closed! For those who signed up, I look forward to working with you soon! 🙂

(Image: Woman in crowd, Sad girl, Koala bear, Bookshelf)

I’m Getting Married and I’m Afraid of My Wife Seeing My Private Parts. Help?

(Image: Robby McKee)

Dear Celes,

I am a 25-year-old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear.

When I was a kid, around 10, my female cousin (around the same age) and I would sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand accidentally touched my thigh and she felt something bulging. She asked me what it was. In my child-like, innocent enthusiasm I opened my shorts and she saw my erect p****. She got excited and started rocking it, saying that she had now seen my ‘shame-shame.’ Later, in the same excitement, she told all this to her mother as though it were some achievement on her part! For this, both of us got a good spanking with a warning that it is shameful for boys and girls to see the “shame-shame” of one another.

As I grew older, I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations. But the situation I am going to get into — marriage — demands that this shame be considered desirable, in the name of sex! And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl/young lady will react on seeing a p****. Pray tell me whether she would feel shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock my shame-shame.

How do I even hope to face the ‘blasphemous’ prospect of her having to touch it with her hand? I do not see any escape from this situation I’m about to enter.

– Ka (Not real name)

Hi Ka, usually I don’t discuss sexual topics on PE because I want to create a family-friendly, G-rated environment here. However after reading your question, I think it’s important that I address it. Firstly, I don’t see this as a sexual question but more of a personal development situation tied to a sexual situation. Secondly, I think it’s precisely because many people, especially those in conservative cultures, avoid discussing/understanding sexual topics openly that results in predicaments like this. This is unfortunate, so my aim of featuring this question today is to create a conscious conversation around your predicament — one that many others, especially those in traditional cultures, are probably facing.

If you’re a young teen or a parent whose kids are reading PE, know that exposure to this topic (discussion about private parts, sexual organs and the like) is inevitable, and that it’s better that you and your child read   about it here first as opposed to growing up with an undeveloped understanding about it and learning things the hard way later.

Showering with My Brother

Perhaps I best start off with a childhood story.

Some of you may have read from some of my articles that I have an elder brother. While my brother and I care for each other, we pretty much don’t talk, sort of like how things used to be with me and my parents. It’s been this way since we were kids, and if I were to trace it down to an incident, I would say it was when I was in Primary/Grade 3 (and my brother was in Primary/Grade 5; he’s two years older than me), and when my mom yelled at us and rebuked us very harshly… after she caught us showering together (in a sibling way of course).

Now, the thing is that up until then, we were really close. Super close. Showering together was a normality for us then; it was fun and we would play around and splash water at each other etc. So when my mom rebuked us that day, I didn’t understand why. Neither did my brother, I think. Subsequently whenever I invited my brother to shower, he would say that we shouldn’t and that we would get scolded by mom later. I would be disappointed and took it as my brother not wanting to spend time with me anymore. Over time, we began to distance, and then the internet boom happened, and almost all every kid in the world began to recede into his/her bubble with IRC chat and what not.

Was my mom at fault? No, not at all. When I later reflected on the incident as an adult, I realized why she did what she did. It was a normal thing that most moms would have done. If I were her, I probably would have freaked out too, though I would have counseled my kids and explained why.

Growing Up with Fears of My Future Boyfriend/Husband Seeing My (Naked) Body

Now, fast forward to many years later. I grew up from kid-Celes to adult-Celes.

As adult-Celes, I sometimes worried about the day I would have a boyfriend / be physically close with a guy, because of my fear about how the guy would perceive my body/private parts/etc. This had nothing to do with the childhood incident above but rather my own negative body image due to media/societal conditioning and what now. This is something I shared in my body image series and have since overcome. My negative self-body-image encompassed my entire body and naturally included my private parts as well since they are part of my body.

I used to have a negative body image, as shared in my body image series (Image: Vadim Pacev)

So I would occasionally worry that I wouldn’t be appealing or attractive enough to my future boyfriend, whoever he might be, and that I needed to keep my body in tip-top shape — like being physically svelte, going for brazilian hair removal, shaving, having minimal body hair, etc. — to mitigate my concerns and also out of personal hygiene and self-care.

And then I got together with Ken (who is now my husband), and realized that all my fears for all these years were unfounded.

All my concerns, fears, shame, etc. I’ve ever had about my body, he doesn’t share them at all. In fact he thinks it’s ridiculous that I could ever have any of this thought, and to him I’m the most perfect and beautiful girl with the most perfect body that he can ever want in a woman. While I had previously busted a lot of my negative body image and concerns, being with him made me further realize that whatever fears and concerns I had about my body are totally silly, stupid, out of place, and were every bit false and in my mind.

Our Shame and Fears about Our Private Parts / Body

My point of sharing these experiences with you Ka is that whatever fears we have about our own body / sexuality / private parts are likely unfounded, ridiculous, and based on nothing but long-held cultural-yet-nonsensical beliefs. If we break down your current predicament,

1. You feel ashamed about your private parts on a certain level.
2. You are not sure how a grown-up female would perceive a male’s privates; likely negatively as that seems to be the default view of your culture and your understanding of how females were raised.
3. You are getting married soon and you’ll soon enter this inevitable situation where a female, your wife, will see/touch your privates, whether out of desire (physical intimacy) or necessity (to have kids).
4. You are afraid your soon-to-be wife will feel negatively or even mock you about your private parts.

Notice how these four fears/concerns are based on nothing but the notion that it is shameful for males and females to see each other’s private parts? A notion that’s part of an age-old belief (I’m guessing you’re from India based on what you’ve shared and your name which I didn’t reveal here — from my experience, this thinking is prevalent in more traditional Asian cultures but not so much in western countries), but a notion all the same.

And how did this notion come about? Probably decades or centuries ago, when a bunch of people decided that unmarried males/females seeing each others’ private parts should be considered taboo because of possible implications like triggering of lust, unplanned/unprotected sex, underage sex, unwanted pregnancies, or even rape. And this belief, this taboo, might have come about because there were real cases of such things happening — meaning it started with a positive intent — so people started thinking “It is shameful for opposite genders to see each others’ private parts.” Subsequently perhaps this belief degraded to “Our private parts are shameful objects that cannot be seen by the opposite gender or anyone at all” and even possibly “We are shameful for having private parts.” Of course, religious views and conservative cultural views might have played a role too.

Our Bodies/Private Parts – Nothing to be Ashamed About!

If we look at the male and female bodies objectively, there is nothing to be ashamed about them — any part of it. Our bodies are a natural part of the world. For those of us who are religious, our bodies were created by God; for those of us who are non-religious, our bodies are simply a natural creation of the universe. Why on earth should there be anything to be feared, shamed, mocked, scorned, or sneered about our bodies, when they are really the holy temples of our minds, hearts, and souls?

Hence, if you feel shameful about your body in any way Ka, don’t. Because there is nothing to feel shameful about it. The only reason why any of us would feel shameful about our body, any part of it, is because of our childhood stories — stories where we were told when we were young that our body or private parts are disgusting, taboo, unworthy, unholy, unsightly, undesirable, undeserving, or even unnatural. And that’s why we then grow up perceiving them as such.

In your case, it could well be that spanking and scolding incident you got when you were young. For others, it could be a different situation. Either case, childhood stories can be rewritten, as I’ve shared in my childhood stories article. It’s about identifying the incident(s) that has/have impacted you, uncovering the beliefs that you formulated from the incident(s), challenging them, and then correcting them. I recommend to read the article and apply the steps to slowly release yourself from the chains of your past or even your society. Just because the people around you and your society think that opposite genders seeing each other’s private parts or even that private parts are shameful doesn’t mean that you need to carry this belief.

How about Your Wife?

As for your soon-to-be wife, the same thing applies.

1. Maybe she feels the same way as you — grossed by the thought that she will have to see a male’s private parts soon. She may feel angry, shocked, and outraged that she would have to go through this “ritual” of married life, and she’s dreading the day it happens.
2. Maybe she doesn’t feel grossed out, but fearful about the situation, because she agrees that a female shouldn’t be allowed to see a male’s private parts. She feels ashamed that it’s going to happen soon, because it will mean that she is now “tainted” and “unpure”. She doesn’t know how to handle the situation, and she’s freaking the heck out about it.
3. Or maybe, she’s actually not grossed out nor concerned about seeing your private parts at all. Instead, she is fearful about YOU, her soon-to-be husband, seeing HER private parts, because she has been raised to feel ashamed of HER own private parts. She believes that having any male see her privates is a shameful, blasphemous act. (Sound familiar?) She is worried that YOU, her soon-to-be husband, will feel “shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock” them! Maybe she’s scared that YOU, after seeing them, will think they are gross, ugly, disgusting, unsightly, and not good enough [for you]!

Now, if your soon-to-be wife belongs to the first two schools of thought, it doesn’t mean anything. The reason why she would think this way would be because she had the same conditioning as you when she was young, growing up in the same society at all. If so, she needs your help, as her soon-to-be husband, to know that this — spouses seeing each other naked and private parts — isn’t a shameful act, but is simply a natural part of a couple in love coming together and becoming physically close. (Hello, how else do you think most of us in today’s world came about???)

If so, your soon-to-be wife would your help, as the other half of the relationship, to guide her through this process and understand that this is okay and normal, and there’s nothing to feel shameful or scared about. Give her time to adapt to the situation; don’t force or accelerate anything (not that you will); let her know that you love her as who she is, unconditionally, independent of physical intimacy. Remember that physical intimacy is simply a natural result of your love, not an objective to be achieved in a relationship/marriage.

Now, how about if it’s the third school of thought, where SHE herself is ashamed of her private parts and you seeing them??? In fact, if you ask me, I think this is more likely the case, given media’s frequent targeting of the female body!

Also, notice how you have been worried about your wife seeing YOUR private parts as opposed to you feeling abhorred/disgusted by you soon seeing hers?? We’re often the harshest critics of ourselves, when to others, our concerns have no place at all! If so, it’s more even more important that you are her support and anchor who lets her know that everything IS okay, that there’s nothing shameful or unattractive about HER body, and that you love every bit of her and find it attractive! It becomes even more important that you sort out your own insecurities/fears about yourself / the circumstance so that you’re in the best position to help her to sort out her insecurities/fears. Because if we’re too buried in our heads about our own problems, then how can we be able to help others with theirs?

Regardless of her belief, she’ll realize over time, with your love and guidance and also her own self-reflection, that this thinking is just a myth and that there’s no basis to be ashamed, fearful, or even mortified by this act.

Remember, You’re Not Alone

My final note to you is that what you’re experiencing now, your fears and all, isn’t isolated to yourself. Ten thousands of people get married every day. A chunk of these people see their spouse’s private parts for the first time that day, with some seeing another person’s private parts for the first time in their LIVES.

At the same time, a portion of these people have likely fearing this moment for the days, weeks, months, even YEARS, leading up to that day, only to realize that subsequently… Hey, this is nothing but just a silly fear in my mind, and it has absolutely no consequence in my life, my marriage, or my love with my spouse! 

It is my wish that you will realize that soon, perhaps with the aid of this article, that your fear is totally unnecessary and you’ll soon look back and laugh at how silly this anxiety and emotional roller coaster has been.

Good luck Ka and let me know how things go! 🙂

Here are some related articles to check out:

• How To Love Your Body (series)
• How to Embrace Your Femininity/Masculinity (series)
• What Childhood Stories Are You Replaying Today?
• Why I Used To Hate My Feet

Affirmation Challenge Day 10 [Love]: ‘I’m attracting my soulmate.’ / ‘I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.’

This is Day 10 of the 15-Day Affirmation Challenge held in July 2014, where we practice positive affirmations for 15 days. The challenge is now over but you can do the tasks in your own time. Visit the overview page for all the challenge tasks.

Note from Celes: Heartfelt condolences to the family and loved ones of the MH17 crash, which was shot down today (Friday) by a surface-to-air missile. On board the flight were as many as 100 delegates — AIDS researchers, health workers and activists — heading to Australia for a global AIDS conference.

Dear everyone, welcome to Day 10 of our 15-Day Affirmation Challenge! 😀

Here is the overview of all the posts for the challenge so far:

• Affirmation Challenge announcement and signup details: 15-Day Affirmation Challenge | 460 Participants!
• Affirmation Challenge Day 1 [New Beginning] | 78 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 2 [Self-Love] | 79 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 3 [Ability] | 87 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 4 [Setbacks] | 55 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 5 [Gratitude] | 63 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 6 [Self-Worth] | 68 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 7 [Opportunities] | 76 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Week 1 Review | 38 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 8 [Physical Looks] | 55 Comments
• Affirmation Challenge Day 9 [Relationships] | 23 Comments

Now, let’s move to today’s task, which is on…

Day 10: [Love]

 There are two affirmations for today — one for singles, and one for those already in a relationship. 😀

For singles:

“From this moment on, I’m attracting my soulmate, and in time to come we’ll meet and be forever bound in love and light.”

For those in a relationship:

“I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.”

Love — something that so many people are seeking in today’s world. I once heard this saying that there are two things that people are most desperate for today — one is love, the other is money. When I heard that, I thought, How true is that? From online dating websites, to dating agencies, to date coaching services, to pick-up artistry i.e. the darker side of the dating world where guys strategize how to pick up and seduce women, to most recently dating apps, dating — or rather, love — is a constant topic of interest for many.

Even after one successfully gets into a relationship, the quest to find/receive love never truly ends. Firstly, as most couples can relate, there’s always the occasional dispute about wishing the other party would spend more time with him/her. For some, this can be turn into a serious conflict, sometimes to the point of breaking up. Then, you have people who dispute with their partners over things like “Why haven’t you cleaned the house like you promised?”, “You forgot about our anniversary; why?” and “I wish you would stop siding with your mom/dad/friend for once and support me.” While these may seem like petty conflicts, underlying them is a tiny request to be honored, loved, and respected, because to these people, these “petty” issues reflect a lack of love from their partners.

There’s a big reason why we’re constantly seeking love. Firstly, the media and society often suggest that we need to be in a relationship to be complete. To be honest, this isn’t anyone’s fault, but simply a reflection of the modern society’s consciousness. Secondly, we’ve never taught (at least not in school) to recognize the love that’s within us. To be loved, I need to get it from someone — or something, is what most of us subconsciously believe.

However, love is everywhere, like I’ve mentioned in 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love. Most importantly, love — all the love that we seek — is already here, within us. We do not need love and we do not need to be loved to feel love — we can feel love by recognizing that we are, in fact, beings of love and light. In order to find love and to create the most loving relationship, we have to first recognize this.

Early on in Week 1, Day 2, of the challenge, I invited you to practice the affirmation, “I love myself unconditionally.” Then Day 6, your task was to recognize that you are worthy of love, success, and happiness. The reason why I set these two tasks in Week 1, before today’s task, is because you need to (1) love yourself, (2) recognize that the love you seek is already IN you, and (3) know that you are worthy of love before you can consciously receive and appreciate any love that others give you.

Today’s task comes in two parts. For those of you who are single, your task is to attract the right kind of love into your life. For those of you in a relationship, your task is to enhance what you already share with your partner. Let’s get started! 😀

Your Task Today

1. Imagine your ideal romantic relationship. Remember yesterday’s task, where I asked you to identify your ideal relationship? Well, the first step today is to imagine your ideal ROMANTIC relationship. 😀
   • For singles: What’s your dream relationship like? How would you describe it? For example, perhaps your ideal relationship is one where you can be your natural self, without changing your mannerisms just to make the other person feel comfortable. Perhaps your ideal relationship is one where you can share your grandest life goals (without hiding them) and pursue them with your partner. And so on. Write as much as you want!
   • For those in a relationship: Identify your ideal relationship with your partner. It doesn’t matter whether these qualities are currently present in your relationship — simply write them down.For example, maybe your ideal relationship is one where your partner is constantly there to listen to you — and he/she is already doing it. Awesome, write this down! Perhaps your ideal relationship is one where your partner doesn’t nitpick about things so often — however, this isn’t the case right now. That’s okay; write it down too! Or perhaps your ideal relationship is one where your partner is highly organized and efficient — but this isn’t so right now. Sure, write it down too.
2. Identify simple steps you can make to this relationship happen.
   • For singles: Read 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love (you can just scan through the 10 steps first). Based on the article, which steps do you think apply most to you right now? What are the next steps you can take to attract this relationship into your life?
   • For those in a relationship: Reflect on your current relationship against your ideal relationship from Step #1. What are the areas where they match up? Any areas where they don’t match up?If your relationship 100% matches up with your ideal, congratulations!! However, if it doesn’t, allow me to say that not only is this perfectly normal, it’s also great because you have just unveiled a gap area which might well mutate into a huge conflict have you not caught it today! Just like we can have gaps between our current selves and ideal selves, it’s normal for our relationship to have some gaps vs. our ideal relationship. So, this is actually a great thing!

     So the question now to you is, what can you do to close this gap? (Clue: the solution usually lies in changing yourself, be it your actions or your beliefs, and not your partner. Be a Better Me in 30 Days‘s Day 22 on Mirror an Annoyance explains more about such a phenomenon.) For example:

     • Say you wish your partner is more organized. Perhaps it reflects your desire to be more organized yourself, and the next step is to be more organized, including having a structured time table, decluttering your workspace and your computer, and setting clear personal goals.
     • Say you wish your partner doesn’t nitpick so often. Perhaps it’s because he/she can be quite self-critical, and that causes him/her to be critical about others too. What you can do here is to shower him/her with love, praise him/her more often, and basically show him/her the path of emotional generosity so he/she can see a better path.
3. Take action! Take action on the steps you have identified in Step #2! Include deadlines where applicable, and get working on them — starting today if possible!
4. Say today’s affirmation. Close your eyes. Visualize yourself in the exact relationship you just painted in Step #1. Both of you are holding each other’s hands and strolling down the beach together, talking, smiling, and laughing. After some time, you stop to hug him/her, and he/she gladly returns your hug. At this moment, both of you are locked in a tight, passionate embrace. Feel the love, excitement, and happiness arising in your heart as all this is happening.Now when you are ready, say the affirmation:
   • (For singles):
     

     “From this moment on, I’m attracting my soulmate, and in time to come we’ll meet and be forever bound in love and light.”

   • (For those in a relationship):
     

     “I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.”

     (If you think it’s silly to say this out loud, you can say it silently in your heart.)

I encourage you to write down today’s affirmation so that you can always see it and commit it to your heart. Repeat it every day to yourself, for as many times and as long as needed, until it becomes part of your default thinking.

Affirmation Wallpaper: [Love]

Today’s affirmation wallpaper comes in two versions: one for singles, and another for those of us already in a relationship. 🙂

For singles:

Download (right click and save): [1366×768] [1600×900] [1920×1080]

For those in a relationship:

Download (right click and save): [1366×768] [1600×900] [1920×1080]

Further Reading

For singles:

• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?
• Why I Used To Be Afraid of Intimidating Men and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore
• How I Found My Soulmate (series)

For those in a relationship:

• What I Have Learned From Being Hit On by Married Men

Share Your Results!

Share your results, check out other participants’ responses, and interact with each other in the comments section! Remember, this challenge is a community effort: by openly engaging in the discussion, not only will you help others, you’ll also help yourself.

If you think today’s affirmation has benefited you, do share it with your friends and family.

Once you’re done, proceed to Day 11 here: Affirmation Challenge, Day 11 [Career]

(Images: Flower, Silhouette of a couple)

I’ve Been Hurt Deeply Before. How Can I Restore My Faith in Relationships?

(Image: bored-now)

“Dear Celes, I don’t remember how I found you and your blog. What I remember is how touched I felt when I read your series on How To Move On From a Heartbreak. At that time I was in a similar ambiguous romantic-yet-not-in-a-relationship position that you were in with G, and successfully moved on from it. I posted a ‘Thank you’ in response.

Now, three years later, I just moved on from a relationship that broke due to infidelity and betrayal. However, having been betrayed before, I’m afraid of being betrayed again. I know that I cannot live in the past, but my past has changed me into the person I am, including all my fears and insecurities in relationships.

According to your signs, I have already moved on from my former relationship. I have forgiven all the infidelity and betrayal, sought closure with my ex and moved on. I no longer blame my ex or my past, but you know, emotions are real even if you don’t want them to exist. How can I move on with complete faith in relationships again?” — Anna

Hi Anna, firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you were betrayed before. Secondly, I’m really happy for you that you’ve moved on. It was not an easy thing to do but you have done it. Now it’s about taking the next step ahead.

For more on moving on, read How I Moved On From a Heartbreak (series).

The fear of betrayal one experiences after an infidelity may be due to the traumatic experience of that ordeal. However, given that you said you have moved on (and it sounds like you have since you have worked through all the steps of moving on) but the fear still persists, this fear — or at least the root of this fear — may well have nothing to do with that infidelity. Rather, it may stem from before this incident — before you were cheated on, before you even got together with your ex.

In other words, your ex’s infidelity didn’t cause your fear of betrayal. It merely brought it to your awareness. More specifically, it is probably the reflection of deeper fears you have surrounding love, relationships, and most of all, yourself.

Example: My Experience with Heartbreak

For example, after I was let down by G in university, there were times when I wondered if I would ever find someone I like. My subconscious conclusions from the episode were that I wasn’t good enough to be loved, that I could never find love and that perhaps I was destined to be alone. The experience of liking someone, opening my heart to him, and not having my feelings requited crushed my heart (and ego). Deep down I felt like shit, an experience I’ve already detailed in my moving on series.

There were times when I thought that all my relationship and singlehood woes would be resolved if things had worked out with G back in school. However, it didn’t take long before I realized that these thoughts — fears — had nothing to do with G or our connection not working out. Rather, they had everything to do with my own inferiority about myself and my appeal as a woman — all of which I already held years before meeting him. I never thought about them out loud, but subconsciously I already had these hangups.

So why did the G event surface these fears? Well, for the first time in my life, I acknowledged to myself that I wanted to be with someone. For the first time in my life, I opened my heart to someone. And for the first time in my life, the reason for my singlehood was not because “There’s no one I like at the moment” or “I’m not looking for a relationship now,” but that “The person I like doesn’t want to be with me.” To have the possibility of a great relationship dangled in front of me and then ripped away so abruptly only made me feel the raw-wound effects of not being deserving of love.

“I’m not good enough”

and

“I’m not good enough to be loved”

were my deep seated beliefs that came roaring from that episode. These limiting beliefs had always been in me; the episode merely brought them to light.

(I subsequently worked through my hangups surrounding love over the years, as I’ve documented in the following:

• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• Why I Used To Be Afraid of Intimidating Men and Why It Does Not Faze Me Anymore
• The Beauty of Self – Why I Used To Feel Inferior about My Looks, How I Embraced My Femininity (series)
• How I Found My Soulmate (series)

Doing so subsequently led me to find my real soulmate.)

Deeper Roots Beneath Your Relationship Fears

Now Anna, if you have truly moved on from that infidelity, chances are your fear of betrayal has deeper roots that extend before that infidel relationship. These roots may be from your past or from other fears about yourself. If so, you need to look past that infidelity because your fear doesn’t have (or at least, no longer has) anything to do with the infidelity. You need to look (1) earlier into your past, before that relationship, and (2) deeper into yourself, beneath your day-to-day thoughts and feelings, for your answer.

For example, Person X can experience a betrayal and conclude, “I may get betrayed again,” “There is no good man/woman out there in the world,” and “This new guy/girl I just met may seem nice but who knows if he/she is going to cheat on me after we get together?” These may seem like common fears but they are in fact terminalistic, fear-based conclusions.

However, someone else say Person Y can experience a betrayal too but walk away with the following thoughts, “It’s just this one-off — I’ll meet a good man/woman who will be true to me,” “There are plenty of great, honest, and loyal men/women in this world and I just need to meet the right one,” and “This new guy/girl I just met seems terrific! I look forward to seeing how things will unfold.”

Why the radically difference in thinking between X and Y, despite the same circumstances?

One possibility is that X has always been negative self-beliefs prior to the betrayal, such as, “”I’m not good enough to attract the person I like,” “I’m not deserving of love,” and “I may never find someone who loves me.” All the result of negative self-esteem, lack of positive experiences with love, constantly seeing relationships fail, or all of the above.

Hence when the betrayal happened, X could only see the negative aspects of it — negative aspects that corroborated his/her existing negative beliefs. These negative fears then filled his/her consciousness and became the dominant part of his/her thinking. While it may seem like these fears are the result of the betrayal, they aren’t. They are merely a reflection of X’s negative self-esteem that has been there since before the betrayal.

So what if the betrayal never took place, you ask? What if the relationship worked out and there was never any infidelity? Well, one possibility is that the person would naturally realize that his/her negative self-beliefs were false and let go of them. Quite unlikely though. The more dominant possibility is that his/her negative self-beliefs would manifest in other ways, even with a loving and authentic partner. Can you relate to the following?

• Fear that your partner is seeing someone behind your back, even though he/she has never done anything to deserve this fear
• Feeling that you are not good enough for your partner, even though he/she doesn’t think that way
• Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you enough, even though he/she has always been loving towards you
• Fear that your partner is going to leave you one day, even though there are no signs that the relationship is going wrong
• Possessiveness over your partner, because you fear losing him/her someday
• Feeling like your partner is hiding something from you, even though he has always been truthful with you

On the other hand, Person B, not having existing negative self-beliefs, gets hurt from the betrayal but doesn’t walk away with a lingering fear of relationships. After moving on from the episode, he/she has renewed faith in relationships. He/she sees the betrayal as what it is — a one-off betrayal of trust by someone he/she used to love and trust, as opposed to proof that he/she is not deserving of love or that he/she will continue to be betrayed in future romances. The incident doesn’t get blown up into something that it isn’t.

Uncover and Let Go of these Negative Roots

So Anna, here’s what I recommend:

1. Identify your limiting beliefs about love and relationships. What are the beliefs keeping you from entering a loving relationship? The fear of being betrayed is one, but there are likely more. Write them down. For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days, refer to Day 26: Identify Your Limiting Thoughts.
2. Understand your childhood stories driving these beliefs. How did these beliefs come about? Underneath each belief lies a story, usually originating from childhood. This is especially so for persistent, long-running beliefs. To break them, you need to understand the stories first. Read What Childhood Stories Are You Replaying Today?
3. Let go of your childhood stories. Refer to steps three to five of the exercise at the end of the childhood stories article.
4. Replace with new, empowering beliefs about love and relationships. Now that you have let go of these stories, what empowering beliefs can you replace your limiting beliefs with? For example: “I don’t deserve to be loved” can be replaced with “I deserve love like anyone else. In fact, I am love.” Another example: “I’m not good enough to be loved” can be replaced with “I’m perfection and there’s nothing wrong or missing in me.” For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days, check out Day 27: Replace with Empowering Thoughts.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in overcoming this fear and finding the love that you deserve.

Read as well: Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever?

Should I Marry a Guy I Don’t Love?

(Image: Bridget Flohe)

“Dear Celes, thank you very much for your wonderful blog. I feel that you are very sensible woman. As you have found your true love, I have decided to ask you for advice — should I marry a very decent guy if I don’t feel anything more than respect and friendly feelings to him?

The reason I ask is that I’m 28 but I haven’t had any relationship before this. I’ve fallen in love several times before but the guys either turned out to be married, not interested in me, had a very unstable mind, or were irresponsible and let me down…

I would love to listen to my heart but even till today my heart is used to making the wrong decisions…

Now I met this guy and he fell in love with me immediately. He is very responsible, caring, perceptive… But I simply don’t feel anything for him…

I’ve told him that already but he asked me to give him a chance and to see if I would change my mind… I’ve given him that chance but I simply don’t feel emotional or physical compatibility… I just can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him…

Should I give him a straight-up “no” and continue to wait/search for someone while living my life? Or is there a chance that love will come after marriage?

Thank you in advance.” — M

Hey M, I read your letter and knew that I had to respond to you right away. I hope this reply reaches you in time.

Some people will give you a straight up “NO YOU SHOULDN’T MARRY HIM!!” as they believe that marriage should only be based on love. These people are the hardcore romantics and idealists, which I am too in a way.

On the other hand, you have the more realistic and pessimistic of people who will tell you to just marry and settle because it’s hard for a good man to come by and this guy seems exactly that. “Even if you don’t love him,” they will say, “at least he’ll take care of you. You can work on cultivating the love after marriage, over time.” Such advice is particularly common in Asia, where one’s self-worth can be tied to their relationship and marital status.

But rather than give you a straight “Yes you should marry him” or “No you shouldn’t marry him,” the more important question here is: “What is the role of marriage for you?” Because your answer is directly linked to your decision.

Why Marry?

While I used to think that a marriage should only be borne out of love, I’ve realized over time that this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone.

For example, some people marry for companionship. This could be out of fear of being lonely or just wanting to spend your life with someone. For such a person, it doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t love the other party. As long as the other party is sincere, reliable, and loves him/her, he/she is okay with marrying him/her. I knew someone who married her then-boyfriend under this exact circumstance, though ironically he had an affair later on and they got divorced. Most people in my parents’ generation married for companionship and then worked on cultivating love after marriage (though whether they succeed or not is a different thing altogether).

Some people marry with the sole goal of having kids. I have a friend who is one of them (I mentioned him before here). In my friend’s case, he really wants to have his own kids — and he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to find his match in the coming years. Since he’s not getting any younger, he’s totally okay with getting a mail-order bride just to have kids by a certain age. After that, he says both him and his wife can go the Ashley Madison route (i.e. have extra-marital affairs) — he really doesn’t care either way.

Then there are the people who marry because they feel that they have to. To them, marriage is a rite of passage, a necessity of life, and a fundamental part of being human. They even have a target on when to get married and they strive to realize that! Hence, the significance of marriage comes from its very occurrence by a certain time frame rather than who they are marrying. As such, they don’t have overt expectations on what their partner should be like. As long as he/she looks okay, falls within a suitable age bracket, comes from the same social strata, and has the same religion (all external factors by the way), they are okay with marrying that person.

Last but not least, you have the people who marry for love. These people marry because they love the person they are with and they want to be with him/her for the rest of their life — not because of societal pressure, not because they feel like they are at a marriageable age, and not because they want to get a house (which some Singaporeans marry for). Thus, they are okay with remaining single for life if they don’t find someone they love. It’s more important that they marry someone they love rather than getting locked in a marriage with someone they don’t love.

Marrying Out of Love

Now M, if your expectations of marriage is to have a life-long companion — someone who will be with you and take care of you even when you’re old with white hair — then this guy seems to fit the bill. To quote you, “he’s reliable, caring, perceptive,” not to mention that he seems really patient and sincere because he still wants to be with you despite you not sharing the same feelings for him! Assuming that nothing changes after marriage, then it seems that this guy is a keeper.

However, let’s say your expectations of marriage are that it should be based on love. You can’t imagine being with someone you do not love.

If so, we have a problem. Because not only do you not feel a physical compatibility with this guy, but you don’t feel an emotional compatibility either. Not to mention you said you can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him! All these point to a very fundamental issue and I’m not sure if you should be talking or considering marriage with him until this is resolved.

What Happens When You Marry Someone You Don’t Love?

So let’s do a little scenario planning now, which is also method #1 of my article How To Make Life’s Hardest Decisions: 3 Decision Making Methods. Say you marry this guy despite not having feelings for him. Two possible scenarios can happen.

The first scenario is that everything happens the way you hope it would. He treats you very well after marriage and he is exactly the man he was before the wedding, if not more. He continues to be responsible, caring, perceptive, and most importantly, loving. You get to know him more as your husband, and you begin to see him in a way that you never have before.

Touched by his love for you and impressed by the man that he is, you begin to fall for him. Since both of you are now in love, your problem of a loveless marriage is now resolved.

The second scenario is that you don’t fall for him despite his efforts. Try as you might, you simply have no feelings for him, and feelings can’t be forced at the end of the day.

What do you do now? Do you pretend to love your now-husband so that you won’t disappoint him? Do you let him know that you still don’t love him but continue being in the marriage out of guilt and fear, as you don’t want to face a backlash from your family and friends? Do you divorce him and try to find love again?

Deep Implications

Obviously, the second scenario has some very sticky implications.

A divorce isn’t as simple as breaking up with a boy/girlfriend — there are legal proceedings to go through, families involved, and fees to be paid. There are also prerequisites that need to be fulfilled before a divorce can be filed.

For example, in Singapore a marriage needs to be at least three years long before you can file for divorce, and even then you cannot file a divorce based on “irreconcilable differences” unlike in the United States. You must have proof of adultery, spousal desertion for at least two years, unreasonable behavior, or at least 3 years of physical separation with your spouse before you have any grounds to file for divorce. In some countries, it may be impossible to get divorced because the law is designed to keep marriages together, even if the individuals are no longer happy together.

Length-wise, a divorce proceeding doesn’t just happen overnight — they can stretch on for quite a while, ranging from six months to over a year. That’s not even talking about the emotional drain that happens with such proceedings.

Let’s say you don’t divorce and you want to stay on in this marriage. The questions then come to these:

• Will you be happy in this one-sided marriage?
• Will you be betraying yourself?
• Will you be thinking ‘what if’s’ every other day?
• Will you feel regret from marrying this guy back then?
• Will your husband feel any resentment or hurt?
• Even if not, will you be fair to him by marrying him when you don’t love him — even though (I presume) he’s okay with it?

So many questions but no straight answers. For sure, this will not be an easy situation to work through. You would be trapped into a dungeon that you created for yourself, with no way out but to continue through. You will have to continue to live in this marriage with a man you don’t love — for the rest of your life.

The Future has Yet to Come

The great thing now is that Scenario A or B have not happened yet. You are here in the present moment and you have yet to marry the guy. There is still a chance to think over this carefully and make a conscious decision.

I believe the biggest reason why you are having this dilemma now, M, is because you aren’t sure if you will ever meet the perfect guy for you. Deep down, you may feel that if you pass up on this chance to marry this guy, you may well never meet someone else that comes close. What would I do then? you may wonder.

I can’t tell you whether you’ll meet your perfect match or not, M. What I do know is this: When you agree to marry someone, you should be doing it because you genuinely want to marry him and because this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. You shouldn’t be considering marriage because you are fearful of the alternative — being alone, not being able to find your perfect guy, and not having anyone to take care of you for the rest of your life. To do so would be to make a decision from a fear-based, scarcity mindset, and decisions borne out of this thinking rarely have a positive outcome.

I also know that it’s never a wise move to marry in hopes or expectation that something else will happen, which in this case is love. That’s because if what you are expecting never happens, then what are you going to do? Are you going to deny that the marriage has ever happened? Are you going to go back on the vows you made during your wedding day? Are you going to let the other person down?

My Advice: Hold This Off

Marriage is a serious lifelong commitment, M. Not only is it serious for you, but it also involves others and deeply impacts their lives.

My recommendation is to hold off making a decision and give the relationship more time to play out. This may be three months, six months, or even a year — however long you need to get a definite answer.

• If you realize that he’s the one for you after X amount of time, then you can agree to his proposal and get married.
• If you realize that he’s definitely not the one for you, then both of you can go your separate ways. No real loss here except for the X time invested in the relationship — even then, this time doesn’t compare to potentially making a life-long commitment that you will regret.
• If you’re still undecided after a long time together, than maybe he’s not the one… for now. If love can blossom, it would have blossomed long ago. You don’t need to wait for two, three, or even five years to decide if someone is the one. Unless something dramatically changes in you, him, or between you and him, chances are your feelings will remain the same no matter how long you wait.

If he is the good and understanding man that you say he is, then I’m sure he will be okay waiting for a while for you to assess and make up your mind about the relationship. If he gives you a timeline and ultimatum (e.g. “I can only wait for a month; if you still don’t have an answer, then I’m afraid we’d need to break up”), then he probably isn’t the guy for you.

If this relationship doesn’t work out, then it may well mean returning to the dating field. Sure, dating may be frustrating sometimes. Trying to meet new people and find your right match can be draining too. But I guarantee you that nothing will ever be as terrifying, heart numbing, draining, and unhappy as being stuck in a marriage with someone you don’t love.

That’s all I have to say M. I hope you’ll find this post useful. Let us know your choice and how things work out for you. ♥