How To Be Empathetic

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Recently I was sharing a problem with a good friend over text. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late his time (he lives in a different timezone), but he was very thoughtful in his reply. Some things he did that made me feel better:

• He didn’t assume, but asked questions to understand my situation.
• He didn’t judge but understood things from my perspective.
• He considered the situation from various angles.
• He gave me helpful suggestions on what could work.
• He sought to share my feelings, which were unhappiness, hurt, and frustration, rather than dismiss or brush them away, which I find common when I share my problems with other friends.

I later realized that he had woken up midway through the night and saw my message, and seeing that I was in need, chose to respond rather than return to sleep. Our conversation ended up being over an hour long. Needless to say, I was very thankful and later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. 🙂 “

How to Have Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Having the ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if you have not been in the situation before.

It goes without saying that being empathetic is an important skill. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse, and made me deeply regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that people would pick up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, like with my good friend above.

When you are empathetic towards others, you help them feel better about themselves. You let them know that they are not alone in their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because when you seek to share the feelings of the other, you allow thoughts and emotions to flow between the both of you.

So how can we be more empathetic? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, colleagues and family.

1. Put yourself in the person’s shoes. It’s easy for us to comment and judge. We can say “This is no big deal” or “I don’t see why you feel this way” or “You’re over-reacting.” However, put yourself in the person’s shoes and walk a mile. Maybe they are undergoing great pain and difficulty. Maybe they are experiencing deep problems from other areas of their life. Maybe there are little issues that led them to behave this way. Without knowing the full details of a person’s problem, how can we make a conclusion? Imagine you are the person. Imagine going through this problem right now, and try to understand things from their perspective. This will allow you to connect with their emotions and perspective better.
2. Show care and concern. When someone tells you a personal problem, chances are he/she doesn’t feel well and needs your emotional support. Show care and concern. Ask, “How are you feeling?” to show concern. “Is there anything I can do for you?” is a great way to show support. If you are close friends, offering to talk on the phone or meet up, can make a big difference to them. If he/she is your partner, give him/her a hug and be there for him/her.
3. Acknowledge the person’s feelings. One of the biggest problems I find in communication is that many people don’t acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Acknowledging means to recognize the importance of something. So for example, someone says “I feel so frustrated with X.” Acknowledging this feeling means saying, “Why are you frustrated?” or “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

   On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”

4. Ask questions. Questions open a conversation. When someone gets the courage to share, especially a personal problem, asking questions encourages them to share more. Think about what the person said and ask meaningful questions.

   For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.

5. Mirror. A big conversation stopper is when someone types 10 paragraphs of text while you respond with one short line. Same when you respond to a deeply personal message with a mono-syllabic response, like “I see” or “Ok.” That’s because the person is being very open, while your response is closed off. You are not responding in resonance with the person.

   This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude  — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.

   For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their tone and vibe.

6. Don’t run ahead of the conversation. A big mistake I notice people making when someone is sharing a problem, is that they simply jump to the end point of the conversation.

   For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.

   What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.

   Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not acknowledging their pain. It’s the same as denying their emotion and trying to tell them that their pain is not real, or not justified. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.

7. Don’t judge. Judgment shuts off a conversation. This is the same for prejudgment, which means forming a judgement on an issue (or person) before you have adequate information. For example, say your friend gets into an argument with her boss, and you assume she is in the wrong because her boss is a manager. Or say, your friend scored poorly for exams, and you assume that he didn’t study — even though there could be other reasons like family problems. The best way is not to pass judgement. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is struggling to do their best in life, so why judge and bring someone down?
8. Show emotional support. Last but not least, give emotional support. This means, give them your trust and affirmation. Encourage them. Let them know that no matter what happens, you have their back. A supportive statement I often get is from my good friend R is: “Knowing you, you always consider things very carefully. So whatever happens, I will support you.” Sometimes, what people are looking for is not answers. It’s also not solutions. Sometimes, all people are looking for is empathy and support. That in this big world of strangers, filled with fear and uncertainty, that there is someone here to support them, without judgement or bias.

How can you apply the above to your relationships today? 🙂

Read:

• 10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist
• How to Have More Best Friends: My Heartfelt Guide
• How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• Feeling Disconnected

I’m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?

(Image: Silvia Sala)

A while back I received an email from my client C:

During our recent session, you asked me when was the first time I feared not being heard or being mocked. I’m currently introspecting about this.

There’s a moment from my past that I don’t know if I experienced it or not… I wonder if I had witnessed my father beating up my mother before.

This morning, when I was in the shower, I got my answer. I did witness it (this was many years ago). However, I did/said nothing to help my mom at that time. I wanted to tell my dad to stop but I couldn’t speak up because I felt that I wouldn’t be heard and also, I was too small then. I think this is the root cause of my fear. Realizing this made me feel guilty for not helping her. I felt so helpless that I cried.

This is a terrible memory. What should I do? I’m afraid of situations of violence towards women and I think it’s too much for me to handle.

Do you have some precious advice for me?

Subsequently I had a few exchanges with C which gave me more insight into the situation. Apparently her dad had been hitting her mom since C was a kid (it’s not clear whether it’s still going on since she no longer lives with her parents), and she witnessed many of these incidents. C never told anyone about this nor interjected except for one time. However, this did not solve the problem as the abuse continued after that.

When C told me this, I immediately empathized with her. This is not an easy situation to be in. On one hand, she loves her mom and wants to stand up for her. On the other hand, there is her dad, whom she cares about too, but who had been harming her mom. And then there are other struggles and considerations on what to do. Call the police? But what if others get wind of this shameful incident? Stop my dad? But what if he hits me too? Talk to my mom? But what if she denies it? But what if this continues?

These didn’t change my advice for her though, which is that domestic abuse should never be tolerated or allowed to continue in any form.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic violence (also domestic abuse, spousal abuse, family violence) is a pattern of violent or abusive behavior by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in a marriage or during cohabitation. Allow me to share some stats on domestic violence from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• Every minute, nearly 20 people are victims of physical violence by a partner in the United States. This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
• 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
• Historically, females are most often victimized by someone they knew.
• Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And this is a figure from 2003. An estimated 201,394 women are raped by an intimate partner each year.
• On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are made to domestic violence hotlines in U.S.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
• Intimate partner violence (i.e. abuse by a significant other) accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
• Almost one-third of female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• Last but not least… most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

While these stats apply to the U.S., they give you an idea of how widespread domestic violence is.

As a woman, domestic violence has an emotional place in my heart. It’s not because domestic violence tends to happen to women (I imagine I’d be equally passionate even if I were male), but because (a) I dislike people who abuse their strength to harm the weak, and (b) physical violence goes beyond what we should do as conscious beings; it’s inexcusable.

I’ve never been in domestic violence situations, but I have heard of stories from my clients and a friend who grew up in abusive households. For them, it was their dads who hit their moms. When they tried to intercept, their dads would beat them up too. And my friend is a girl. The abuse decreased as they grew up, probably because they are now adults who can fend for themselves. But there’s no telling when their dads would flare up again.

Signs of Domestic Abuse

We hear of people dealing with abuse and we get outraged, wondering why these people put up with the situation. But for the person in the abusive relationship/household, it’s not always clear-cut because you see both the good and bad sides of the person. Things can get blurred. The abuser can be nice to you but abusive to your family member. The abuser may make you think it’s your fault. Your culture may normalize abuse and make it seem like it’s normal (it’s not). Or you may be traumatized by the ordeal and block it off mentally, like what happened to my client C.

Here are some signs that you are facing domestic abuse:

• The clearest sign is of course, violence. Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or any violent physical contact is abuse. No one has the right to hit you, not even your parent. This line gets blurred in the Chinese/Indian culture, because harshly caning or hitting your children is considered normal in the name of discipline. This is something I disagree with after growing up and learning more about human rights. Light discipline at home, coupled with proper explanation and counseling is different from publicly hitting your child and screaming at him/her, or repeated physical discipline.
• Abuse can also happen through words. Threats, shaming, and intimidation are abuse. No one should make you feel less as a person. If your parent/partner shames or threatens you repeatedly, this is emotional abuse. Constant hurling of vulgarities is also a form of abuse.
• Disregard of the abuse. The person denies the abuse is happening, or even blames it on you. He/She may normalize the behavior and make you think that the abuse is normal.
• Control of your actions. The person controls your behavior to a large degree. For example controlling who you can see, what you can do, where you can go. Isolating you from others. Demanding that you do certain things. The abuser’s goal is be the center of your universe and gain dominance over your life.
• Threats. The person threatens to leave you, hurt him/herself, or kill him/herself or you if you don’t comply with his/her demands. If you have children, he/she may also threaten the safety of your children.
• Addiction. While addiction to alcohol or drugs doesn’t mean the person is an abuser, these behaviors often go hand in hand. Alcohol and drugs alter a person’s mood and makes someone more prone to violence.^[1][2]
• Frequent anger outbursts. The person gets angry so easily that you worry about what you say, do, in order not to trigger him/her. You constantly “walk on eggshells,” doing everything you can not to trigger him/her.

More warning signs of domestic abuse here, here, and here.

It doesn’t matter if the person exhibits the above 1% or 10% of the time. Abuse is abuse, and justifying it with the person’s good side (which I’m sure is true) downplays the gravity of the situation.

How To Deal With Domestic Violence

If you are dealing with abuse or witnessing abuse in your household, please don’t ignore it. Here are my recommendations:

1. It’s not your fault. People who are abused often downplay the situation. They “normalize” the abuse and think that their experience is normal, or that it’s their fault. Well it is not your fault. Do not accept, deny, normalize the situation, or blame yourself.
2. “It only happened once” is not an excuse. Once is one time too many. When someone becomes abusive, that means he/she has lost control of his/her better senses. There’s no telling when he/she will flare up again. If you witnessed an abusive act, this is worse as it means that the abuse has probably been going on for a while. Report it right away.
3. Stop wearing a mask. Tell someone. A domestic violence victim is often living in a bubble. This bubble could be self-created (the victim cuts him/herself off from others to normalize the abuse) or created by the abuser. This first step to get out of the bubble is to tell someone about your pain. This person can be anyone you trust — your friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, family. Just talking to someone can give you clarity and the power to act on the situation. Be wary of bad advice, such as if your confidant tries to downplay the abuse or convince you that it’s okay. It is not okay and it’s not normal. Speak to those who can give you sound advice and a good listening ear.
4. Talk to the victim. If you witnessed abuse, talk to the victim asap. Several reasons: (a) The victim may feel trapped, with no one else knowing about this. While you may think that you are invading his/her privacy, chances are he/she will feel relieved as he/she is no longer alone in the problem. (b) You help the victim realize that the abuse is wrong, something he/she may be normalizing. (c) You can help the victim identify practical next steps. Do not wait as this only perpetuates the abuse.
5. Call the police. Domestic violence is illegal in many countries, and new laws are drawn up to protect the victims. In the UK, a new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members came into force in 2015.^[3] Instead of taking matters into your own hands, call the police and let them know that you are in danger. The police would have a process for handling abuse. For example, helping women to get an injunction, and serving as referral agents to other professionals, such as a domestic violence and abuse agency, a woman’s refuge, and family justice center.^[4]
6. Document the abuse. This is important to make your case later in a police report or for child custody. Get as much evidence as you can of the abuse. Keep a diary and note down the dates/times of the abuse, get videos/pictures of the abuse, get pictures of any injury, and get pictures of weapons used if any. Read: Building Your Case: How to Document Abuse
7. Call a domestic abuse helpline. The people at a domestic abuse helpline are equipped to advise you and provide remedies based on your local laws. (See the end of the post for helpline numbers.) If you can’t find a helpline in your country, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor. If there’s a woman’s shelter, seek help there.
8. Leave the relationship. I understand for some women who are locked in abusive relationships (e.g. having no family in a foreign land, having financial struggles, having children in the same household with nowhere to go), it’s not possible to leave the relationship right away. It may also get you killed. I’d like to share some verbatims from domestic abuse survivors (who left their abusive relationship)^[5]:
   • ‘Do not put up with it. You are worth more… if someone is making your life hell and miserable, don’t put up with it, there is no excuse at all… and you will be happier… I can promise you, you will be happier.’ (Jacqui)
   • ‘You don’t have to be hit to be abused ….ring a helpline.’ (Sarah)
   • ‘…Tell somebody you trust …there’s help out there, whether it’s a GP, a parent, or a trusted friend, even just somebody at work, they can see it from another perspective. [My counsellor] opened my eyes to what was actually going on.’ (Mandy)
   • ‘Get help even if you have the slightest inkling.’ (Catherine)
   • To quote domestic abuse survivor Tina, things will get ‘worse and worse and worse.’ You may not be able to leave the relationship now, but it doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave. If you can’t leave right now, plan for a time when it is safe to do so. Call the helplines, talk to professionals, talk to friends who can provide good support, and work out an escape plan.
9. Create a safety plan. A safety plan is your plan to remain safe at all times. Have a survival bag — with copies of important documents, an extra set of keys, clothes, some money — that you can grab and leave at any time. Have important contacts on speed dial. Set a code word with your neighbors/friends that you can use when in trouble. Have an escape route where you can easily get out of the house. Keep weapons and dangerous objects inaccessible. Read: Create a Safety Plan

Resources for domestic abuse:

• Women’s Experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse [Health Talk]
• Getting Out of An Abusive Relationship [Help Guide]
• Is This Abuse? Abuse Defined [National Domestic Violence Hotline]
• Life after domestic violence and abuse: taking back control [Health Talk]
• Helplines:
  • Singapore: Call the AWARE Helpline at 1800 777 5555 (Monday – Friday, 3pm to 9.30pm)
  • United States: Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (toll-free, 24/7)
  • United Kingdom: Call the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline (UK) at 0808 2000 247 (24/7)

If you are an abuser, you need to stop what you are doing. Read: How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner