5
Oct 2017
5Oct 2017 Love
I’m in a Domestic Violence Situation. What Should I Do?
Woman in the dark

(Image: Silvia Sala)

A while back I received an email from my client C:

During our recent session, you asked me when was the first time I feared not being heard or being mocked. I’m currently introspecting about this.

There’s a moment from my past that I don’t know if I experienced it or not… I wonder if I had witnessed my father beating up my mother before.

This morning, when I was in the shower, I got my answer. I did witness it (this was many years ago). However, I did/said nothing to help my mom at that time. I wanted to tell my dad to stop but I couldn’t speak up because I felt that I wouldn’t be heard and also, I was too small then. I think this is the root cause of my fear. Realizing this made me feel guilty for not helping her. I felt so helpless that I cried.

This is a terrible memory. What should I do? I’m afraid of situations of violence towards women and I think it’s too much for me to handle.

Do you have some precious advice for me?

Subsequently I had a few exchanges with C which gave me more insight into the situation. Apparently her dad had been hitting her mom since C was a kid (it’s not clear whether it’s still going on since she no longer lives with her parents), and she witnessed many of these incidents. C never told anyone about this nor interjected except for one time. However, this did not solve the problem as the abuse continued after that.

When C told me this, I immediately empathized with her. This is not an easy situation to be in. On one hand, she loves her mom and wants to stand up for her. On the other hand, there is her dad, whom she cares about too, but who had been harming her mom. And then there are other struggles and considerations on what to do. Call the police? But what if others get wind of this shameful incident? Stop my dad? But what if he hits me too? Talk to my mom? But what if she denies it? But what if this continues?

These didn’t change my advice for her though, which is that domestic abuse should never be tolerated or allowed to continue in any form.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic violence (also domestic abuse, spousal abuse, family violence) is a pattern of violent or abusive behavior by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in a marriage or during cohabitation. Allow me to share some stats on domestic violence from National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

  • Every minute, nearly 20 people are victims of physical violence by a partner in the United States. This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
  • 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
  • Historically, females are most often victimized by someone they knew.
  • Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. And this is a figure from 2003. An estimated 201,394 women are raped by an intimate partner each year.
  • On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are made to domestic violence hotlines in U.S.
  • Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of battering relationships.
  • Intimate partner violence (i.e. abuse by a significant other) accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
  • Almost one-third of female homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner.
  • One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
  • Last but not least… most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

While these stats apply to the U.S., they give you an idea of how widespread domestic violence is.

As a woman, domestic violence has an emotional place in my heart. It’s not because domestic violence tends to happen to women (I imagine I’d be equally passionate even if I were male), but because (a) I dislike people who abuse their strength to harm the weak, and (b) physical violence goes beyond what we should do as conscious beings; it’s inexcusable.

I’ve never been in domestic violence situations, but I have heard of stories from my clients and a friend who grew up in abusive households. For them, it was their dads who hit their moms. When they tried to intercept, their dads would beat them up too. And my friend is a girl. The abuse decreased as they grew up, probably because they are now adults who can fend for themselves. But there’s no telling when their dads would flare up again.

Signs of Domestic Abuse

We hear of people dealing with abuse and we get outraged, wondering why these people put up with the situation. But for the person in the abusive relationship/household, it’s not always clear-cut because you see both the good and bad sides of the person. Things can get blurred. The abuser can be nice to you but abusive to your family member. The abuser may make you think it’s your fault. Your culture may normalize abuse and make it seem like it’s normal (it’s not). Or you may be traumatized by the ordeal and block it off mentally, like what happened to my client C.

Here are some signs that you are facing domestic abuse:

  • The clearest sign is of course, violence. Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, or any violent physical contact is abuse. No one has the right to hit you, not even your parent. This line gets blurred in the Chinese/Indian culture, because harshly caning or hitting your children is considered normal in the name of discipline. This is something I disagree with after growing up and learning more about human rights. Light discipline at home, coupled with proper explanation and counseling is different from publicly hitting your child and screaming at him/her, or repeated physical discipline.
  • Abuse can also happen through words. Threats, shaming, and intimidation are abuse. No one should make you feel less as a person. If your parent/partner shames or threatens you repeatedly, this is emotional abuse. Constant hurling of vulgarities is also a form of abuse.
  • Disregard of the abuse. The person denies the abuse is happening, or even blames it on you. He/She may normalize the behavior and make you think that the abuse is normal.
  • Control of your actions. The person controls your behavior to a large degree. For example controlling who you can see, what you can do, where you can go. Isolating you from others. Demanding that you do certain things. The abuser’s goal is be the center of your universe and gain dominance over your life.
  • Threats. The person threatens to leave you, hurt him/herself, or kill him/herself or you if you don’t comply with his/her demands. If you have children, he/she may also threaten the safety of your children.
  • Addiction. While addiction to alcohol or drugs doesn’t mean the person is an abuser, these behaviors often go hand in hand. Alcohol and drugs alter a person’s mood and makes someone more prone to violence.[1][2]
  • Frequent anger outbursts. The person gets angry so easily that you worry about what you say, do, in order not to trigger him/her. You constantly “walk on eggshells,” doing everything you can not to trigger him/her.

More warning signs of domestic abuse here, here, and here.

It doesn’t matter if the person exhibits the above 1% or 10% of the time. Abuse is abuse, and justifying it with the person’s good side (which I’m sure is true) downplays the gravity of the situation.

How To Deal With Domestic Violence

If you are dealing with abuse or witnessing abuse in your household, please don’t ignore it. Here are my recommendations:

  1. It’s not your fault. People who are abused often downplay the situation. They “normalize” the abuse and think that their experience is normal, or that it’s their fault. Well it is not your fault. Do not accept, deny, normalize the situation, or blame yourself.
  2. “It only happened once” is not an excuse. Once is one time too many. When someone becomes abusive, that means he/she has lost control of his/her better senses. There’s no telling when he/she will flare up again. If you witnessed an abusive act, this is worse as it means that the abuse has probably been going on for a while. Report it right away.
  3. Stop wearing a mask. Tell someone. A domestic violence victim is often living in a bubble. This bubble could be self-created (the victim cuts him/herself off from others to normalize the abuse) or created by the abuser. This first step to get out of the bubble is to tell someone about your pain. This person can be anyone you trust — your friend, relative, colleague, neighbor, family. Just talking to someone can give you clarity and the power to act on the situation. Be wary of bad advice, such as if your confidant tries to downplay the abuse or convince you that it’s okay. It is not okay and it’s not normal. Speak to those who can give you sound advice and a good listening ear.
  4. Talk to the victim. If you witnessed abuse, talk to the victim asap. Several reasons: (a) The victim may feel trapped, with no one else knowing about this. While you may think that you are invading his/her privacy, chances are he/she will feel relieved as he/she is no longer alone in the problem. (b) You help the victim realize that the abuse is wrong, something he/she may be normalizing. (c) You can help the victim identify practical next steps. Do not wait as this only perpetuates the abuse.
  5. Call the police. Domestic violence is illegal in many countries, and new laws are drawn up to protect the victims. In the UK, a new law targeting people who psychologically and emotionally abuse their partners, spouses, or family members came into force in 2015.[3] Instead of taking matters into your own hands, call the police and let them know that you are in danger. The police would have a process for handling abuse. For example, helping women to get an injunction, and serving as referral agents to other professionals, such as a domestic violence and abuse agency, a woman’s refuge, and family justice center.[4]
  6. Document the abuse. This is important to make your case later in a police report or for child custody. Get as much evidence as you can of the abuse. Keep a diary and note down the dates/times of the abuse, get videos/pictures of the abuse, get pictures of any injury, and get pictures of weapons used if any. Read: Building Your Case: How to Document Abuse
  7. Call a domestic abuse helpline. The people at a domestic abuse helpline are equipped to advise you and provide remedies based on your local laws. (See the end of the post for helpline numbers.) If you can’t find a helpline in your country, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or counselor. If there’s a woman’s shelter, seek help there.
  8. Leave the relationship. I understand for some women who are locked in abusive relationships (e.g. having no family in a foreign land, having financial struggles, having children in the same household with nowhere to go), it’s not possible to leave the relationship right away. It may also get you killed. I’d like to share some verbatims from domestic abuse survivors (who left their abusive relationship)[5]:
    • ‘Do not put up with it. You are worth more… if someone is making your life hell and miserable, don’t put up with it, there is no excuse at all… and you will be happier… I can promise you, you will be happier.’ (Jacqui)
    • ‘You don’t have to be hit to be abused ….ring a helpline.’ (Sarah)
    • ‘…Tell somebody you trust …there’s help out there, whether it’s a GP, a parent, or a trusted friend, even just somebody at work, they can see it from another perspective. [My counsellor] opened my eyes to what was actually going on.’ (Mandy)
    • ‘Get help even if you have the slightest inkling.’ (Catherine)
    • To quote domestic abuse survivor Tina, things will get ‘worse and worse and worse.’ You may not be able to leave the relationship now, but it doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave. If you can’t leave right now, plan for a time when it is safe to do so. Call the helplines, talk to professionals, talk to friends who can provide good support, and work out an escape plan.
  9. Create a safety plan. A safety plan is your plan to remain safe at all times. Have a survival bag — with copies of important documents, an extra set of keys, clothes, some money — that you can grab and leave at any time. Have important contacts on speed dial. Set a code word with your neighbors/friends that you can use when in trouble. Have an escape route where you can easily get out of the house. Keep weapons and dangerous objects inaccessible. Read: Create a Safety Plan

Resources for domestic abuse:

If you are an abuser, you need to stop what you are doing. Read: How To Stop Being Abusive to Your Partner

7
Aug 2017
7Aug 2017 Love
I Get Nervous When I See an Attractive Guy/Woman. What Should I Do?
Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey

(Image: Universal Studios / Entertainment Weekly)

“Hi Celes, I have been reading your blog since 2 years ago. Your tips are amazing and have helped me a lot. There is one problem about me that I haven’t read in any article on PE or any other site.

This is shameful to admit. Whenever I see a handsome man, I feel that he should like me and fall in love with me. I feel terrible to think like that. I don’t do anything to impress the guy because I know it is wrong. I have a boyfriend and I want to live with him.

I don’t want to get affected by handsome men. I don’t want such feelings to exist. What should I do?” — Kristi

Kristi’s problem raises a very interesting question for all of us, which is: Why do some of us feel nervous, or behave very differently, when we see handsome men and beautiful women?

Imagine this: You go to a party and you see someone good looking. You start to feel nervous, unlike yourself. You contemplate speaking to him/her. For guys, maybe you get sweaty palms. For girls, maybe you play coy and hope that the guy comes over to talk to you.

Why? Why does your behavior change based on the person’s looks? And it doesn’t have to be in a party setting too. It can be anywhere, at work, when meeting someone new, when going on a blind date, etc. Perhaps you see someone good looking and you get nervous, excited. In Kristi’s case, she’s anguished by these feelings and she doesn’t want them.

The Truth about Beauty

To understand why such feelings get triggered, we need to first understand the fundamental truth surrounding beauty.

The reality is that everyone is beautiful. Not more or less beautiful, but equally beautiful. This is something that I’ve shared before here. You are beautiful in your own way. I am beautiful in my own way. We are all uniquely and equally beautiful, not more or less than others.

Unfortunately, this message runs counter to everything you learn in today’s world. The basic message surrounding beauty today is that some people are more beautiful than others, and some looks are more attractive than others. If you don’t look a certain way, you are deemed ugly and unattractive, and you should do everything you can to change your looks to fit a beauty mold. Why?

A deep look into the history of beauty tells us that beauty ideals historically started as a way to separate the have’s and the have not’s. When you trace the evolution of beauty standards over time, you will see that

  • Being weighty used to be regarded as attractive during the Renaissance era, as food was scarce during those times, and only the rich had plenty to eat.[1][2]
  • Subsequently, being skinny became seen as very attractive when food became abundant and widely available. As everyone started gaining weight, and people became educated about their health and diet, being skinny became seen as the gold standard.[3]
  • During the 1800s, very pale skin was seen as beautiful as only the rich could afford not to work and stay out of the sun. Pale skin was associated with the aristocrats.
  • But when tuberculosis becoming the second-leading cause of death in the U.S. in 1900, and doctors in Europe and America began to prescribe sunbathing for tuberculosis, rich people flocked to resorts to suntan. Tanned skin now became seen as beautiful in the West.[4][5]
  • In ancient China, tiny feet became a symbol of beauty as the only women who could painfully bind their feet to keep them tiny were from wealthy families, since they didn’t need to work in the fields.[6]
  • Western features like tall nose bridge, deep-set eyes, fair skin, and angular features are generally regarded as more “beautiful” in Asian countries, and you can see this line of thought pervaded in much of mass media advertising here. This is partly because many Asian countries used to be under the Colonial rule (the Philippines was under Spanish colonization for almost 400 years for example), which created a deep-set mentality of white superiority, and an association that Caucasian-like features are “better” and “more beautiful.” You will never find a person saying that because the conditioning exists at a very implicit level, but more in the form of “Such features are more beautiful, and I’m so envious that [Caucasians] have them but not us [Asians].”

As you can see, beauty standards have historically been used to differentiate one group from another. The attributes of the affluent would be used as the starting point for what was considered beautiful then. The features considered beautiful would change over time, based on whatever was associated with the rich. This was to sieve out the “elite” and “more worthy” from the rest.

How This Relates to Anxiety Around Attractive People

Of course, this segmentation is faulty and not true. Whether a person is born with XYZ features has no bearing on their beauty or worth. Every look is beautiful, and a person’s worth and value is so much more complex than just something defined based on how well a person conforms to a beauty look — and this beauty look is in turn defined based on socio-economic factors that are outside of a person’s control.

This brings me to my main point. If you feel nervous around attractive people, or you feel negatively affected by handsome men (or beautiful women) like Kristi, it boils down to your underlying associations with attractive people.

Let’s say you feel nervous around beautiful women. When you dig into this nervousness, perhaps you perceive beautiful women as better, more worthy than other women. Attractive women are sought after by other men, and they turn heads and are desired by many. This makes you feel inferior because you are worried that if you’re rejected or spurned by an attractive woman, you will be seen as lousy and undesirable. Of course this isn’t true, but your subconscious beliefs are such.

Or let’s say you feel nervous around handsome men and you often wish that every handsome man you meet will notice you and fall in love with you. Why, though? Why would handsome men make you feel this way, but not “regular” men? When you dig into this feeling, it’s because you perceive handsome men as “better” than others because of their good looks. Girls swoon over them; people regard them highly because of their looks. They are the object of attention and affection by other women (and even men). If a handsome man falls in love with you, that means that you are desired, respected, “seen.”

And why would this matter? Because you sometimes feel “unseen” in your life. You wish that you can be “seen,” recognized, respected. And the attention of someone who is visible, desirable, and respected will make you feel that way.

In either case, is the answer to seek affirmation from an attractive person? Of course not. For some people it is, and they spend their entire lives chasing after the affections of so-and-so attractive people, without ever knowing as much as the personality and true self of the person they are in love with. The real answer is to understand your stories surrounding attractive people, and to address your inner voids triggering these feelings. Because it is your stories surrounding beauty and yourself that you are reacting to, not the supposed attractive people.

For example, if you don’t feel “seen” in your life, understand why. Maybe you don’t know who you are and your place in this world. You feel that you are following a trajectory in your life that you didn’t really set for yourself. Uncovering your inner self, and discovering your life purpose and values, is a good start. My Live a Better Life in 30 Days is a great kickstarter program to get you moving towards your ideal life.

Or let’s say you feel low in self-worth. Understand why you have a low self-worth. Perhaps you were never taught to develop your self-worth, but to look to others’ affections, your status, and your achievements as a way of validating your identity. An attractive woman is like a validator of your worth, because she is recognized as worthy by others. Of course this is not true since your worth is not defined by others, but yourself. Read How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World

This is the same for any gap or deficiency you feel in the presence of attractive people. If an attractive person makes you feel negative, nervous, or even unattractive, understand why. Dig into this feeling. Usually it’s because of an unhealthy belief you have surrounding attractive people — perhaps that they are better, superior, more worthy, more desirable, etc. — which isn’t true. Your nervousness mirrors a feeling of deficiency in your life. Understanding it, and addressing it from within, will help you remove this endless push-pull feeling you have when meeting such people.

Endnote

In the end, your goal is to feel neutral when meeting “attractive people,” just as you would with any other person. Or rather, to feel excited meeting them simply because you are excited to meet someone new. You want to connect with people authentically, as themselves. To see someone as who they are, not based on a fantasy or conditioning. Even though majority of society look at people with tinted glasses based on how they fit a beauty mold, these people also struggle with push-pull feelings of infatuation and projections surrounding attractive/”non-attractive” people. In the end they are just living in their own mental projections.

When you do feel excited, happy, or nervous when you see someone, these feelings should come from your personal connection with him/her and your genuine interest in him/her, not based on the projections in your mind. That’s when you see someone for who he/she really is, rather than what you think he/she is. 🙂

Lastly, remember that every look is beautiful, equally beautiful. You have been taught to perceive conventionally handsome men and beautiful women as attractive, and they are indeed attractive people. The next step is to open your eyes to see other looks as beautiful too — because they are as beautiful as the conventionally attractive people you see. When you do that, you will see that everyone is special, different and just as beautiful, and perhaps that’s when you feel nervous/excited meeting everyone — because you are genuinely excited to get to know them and their story, the same way I feel when I meet everyone in my life. 🙂

For more reading: