‘I’ll leave love to fate.’ 5 Myths Keeping You from Finding Love, Debunked

Heart in a bowl

For a long time, I wanted to set up this friend of mine. She’s attractive, smart, and an overall great catch. But every time we talked about love, dating, and possibly setting her up, she’d respond with,

I’ll leave things to fate.

At first I thought, Okay, maybe she’s just not ready. But then one year passed. Three years. Five years.

It’s been six years, and she’s still single. While there’s nothing wrong with being single, my friend does want to be with someone, but she does nothing about it, instead always saying, “I’ll leave things to fate.” As she’s closed off to being remotely proactive in love, I’ve stopped broaching the topic. Instead, I’ve moved on to set up other friends — one of whom has since entered a stable, happy relationship last year, due to Ken and I.

How much of a role does fate play in love? Do we truly have no role to play when it comes to love? Today, I’d like to share five common myths that may be preventing you from finding your “one”:

Myth #1: I’ll leave love to fate

While I was reading your responses to my recent survey on finding love, I noticed some of you adopt an external locus of control when it comes to love. “External locus of control” means having a worldview that things are out of one’s control and one doesn’t have a role to play in said outcome. In this case, views like…

I’ll let God decide if I should find love.

I don’t think one should take a course to find love. Feels abnormal.

I’m not sure if love is something you can force. I’m not interested to go out there and date. I rather let love happen to me by itself.

In these cases, these individuals do want love, they do want to be in a blissful relationship, but do not see themselves playing any role in making this happen.

Yet, the question comes to, “How much of a role do we play in finding love?” I can’t give you a definite answer, but it’s definitely not 0%. It’s also not 10%. From my experience, it can go anywhere from 40~% (myself) to as much as 99% (where my friends and clients have made pivotal moves that led to them finding their partners today).

Quantum Entanglement

Have you heard of “quantum entanglement”? It’s a physical phenomenon first revealed in 1935 in a paper by Albert Einstein, Boris Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen. They discovered pairs of photons, or “entangled” photons, connected by a strange link.

Apparently, when you separate individual photons in a pair, you can always infer the polarization of one photon by measuring that of its counterpart. So meaning if you have two photons (A and B), and photon A changes in polarization, the polarization of photon B will change too, to match that of A’s — regardless of how far apart they are.

It’s as if B knew that A has changeddespite the vast distance between them, despite there being no known way for them to communicate.

Quantum Entanglement

The invisible link between paired photons, unexplainable even by physicists today [More on quantum entanglement: 1, 2, 3]

When I saw this, I immediately thought of soulmates: Two beings with an unexplainable link with each other. Just like you’re a unique individual with your idiosyncrasies and talents, somewhere out there, there is someone who complements you in his/her own special way. Your parallel. Your yin/yang match. Your partner, to soar with you in life.

Now, when it comes to soulmates, there is this invisible link they share — all the way from birth (even before that actually; that’s how they were born as soulmates). Even if you don’t believe in soulmates and all this “woo woo” stuff, think of it this way: when you vibrate at your highest consciousness, one where you’re your highest self and ready for your highest love, you radiate your brightest energy that invisibly attracts people with similar energy. This includes like-minded souls, potential mates, and… your soulmate. Your ultimate relationship. Your true match.

Example: How I “Attracted” Ken into My Life

Since my early 20s, there were many things I did that helped prepare me for my best relationship. Firstly, living true to my path, quitting my job to start my business, and doing what I’m meant to do. Secondly, constant work at living true to myself, being my highest self, and being aligned inside and out. Thirdly, going into a serious deep dive into love and dating when I was 27–28, even entering into some romantic connections, which then helped me to be ready for my eventual relationship with Ken.

By the time I was “done,” my energy was radiating so brightly that Ken — we were just strangers then — got my “signal” loud and clear. One fine night, at 4:30am, he got a sudden inkling to organize his phone book when he should be sleeping. (Note that I was in South Africa and him in Singapore, so we were literally 5,400 miles apart.) This was the action that put us back in touch and led us to be together.

Did he need to organize his phone book? No. Why did he do it then? That’s anyone’s guess, but there were several clues that pointed to this being a synchronicity vs. an “accident”:

  1. He never organizes his phone book. Ever.
  2. He was deleting some names and sorting some names. Then he saw my name under “C” and thought of messaging me, even though he wasn’t organizing with the intent to message anyone.
  3. Up till then, we had never messaged each other. My number had just been sitting in his phone for the past 4.5 years, probably from my business card.
  4. Even though we last met 4.5 years ago (passed by each other on a street), he could remember me very vividly. (No, he wasn’t reading my blog then.)
  5. After he messaged me, he stopped organizing his phone book and went to sleep. I was the only person he messaged that night.

His innocuous “hi” led to thousands of text exchanges, to us becoming a couple, to proposal, to marriage. And thus beginning our journey together.

Galaxy

If you ask me, we were drawn into each other’s lives because our consciousness was at the right match. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t have re-acquainted; even if we did, we also wouldn’t be together since we wouldn’t be ready to receive each other yet.

Your Role in Love

While I think most people tend to assume a 0% responsibility in love, I’d like to suggest the opposite: You have a much bigger role to play in love than you think.

After all, when you’re inert in your love path, you naturally close yourself off from others. You project a closed signal, or even, no signal. You say you want to be in a relationship (or you wish to deep down), but on the outside you have this huge signboard that says, “Sorry, not interested [in love]. Go away.” This confuses the universe and leaves her wondering, Errr, what exactly does he/she want?

Since your intentions and actions don’t tally, you manifest misaligned results — jagged, sporadic encounters with men/women that don’t culminate into anything. For some: toxic, unfulfilling relationships. For others: a barren dating life, as they refuse to be involved in creating their love destiny. Which is really unfortunate, because deep down, you may be a terrific guy/girl, ready to meet your true love and create the relationship of your life!!

On the other hand, when you take ownership of your love life, suddenly, possibilities open up. Men/women you’ve never met before appear. People ask you out on dates, more so than usual. (This happened to me when I opened myself up, a year before I met Ken.) You meet more and more compatible men/women.

Because you are conscious of your role in love, you also take proactive, positive actions to attract your “one.” You start doing things that you don’t normally do, that seem random but are really leading you to your “one.” In turn, leading you to your “one.” ♥ 😀

To quote the site Twinflame Soulmates:

Synchronicity is a common occurrence between twin flames and soulmates (Celes: twin flames = soulmate lovers). There is synchronicity in the mirrored actions that occur within their lives […] that seem highly unlikely to have happened by chance.

Twin souls tend to meet when both are at the stage to accelerate their learning and growth. When one is ready for awakening, so will be the other, but it often comes down to the free will of each individual whether they are ready to look inward and take action […] or remain in the ego or shadow self.

Truth: Sometimes fate is busy; you need to give her a helping hand. By being proactive in love, it helps to set you on your love path, attract the right people, and open you up to new possibilities in love. 🙂

Myth #2: “Live your life” and love will come

People often harp on the saying, “Live your life and love will come your way.” After all, “live your best life” is one of my tips on finding love. In my soulmate series, I also shared how I was focused on “living my life” when Ken appeared.

While important, there are other parts to the love equation than just “living your life.” For example, removing your inner blocks to love. Processing emotional baggage (such as from past relationships). Uncovering your singlehood blocks, including fears about love, which many of us have. Processing said fears. Uncovering limiting beliefs about yourself. Addressing said limiting beliefs. Really opening your heart to love.

Until these are done, these blocks can hinder you in your love journey. Worse still, they may even attract toxic matches, because energetically you’re at the wrong place!

Before Ken re-entered my life, I was single the whole time. The key reason was because I was very choiceful about who I wanted to be with. I didn’t see a point in being with someone unless I felt a strong connection and saw potential together. (This person turned out to be Ken.)

Now, there was something else driving my singlehood: my subconscious blockages to love. Note that these blocks were deep blocks, meaning I didn’t know they existed until I did a deep dive into myself and love. If I hadn’t taken the time to seriously explore myself and love, I would never have uncovered them. These included

  • Fear of being with someone
  • Fear of not being good enough
  • Feeling unworthy of love
  • Innate desire to remain single, despite claiming otherwise
  • Sexuality issues
  • Lack of confidence in my worth as a woman
  • Unclarified image of my ideal partner (I thought I had it smack down since 22–23, but no, I didn’t)
  • Fear that I couldn’t find anyone
  • Body image issues (Up till my mid-20s)
  • Lack of confidence in my true beauty (Up till my mid-20s)

Energetically, these blocks dimmed my “light.” They “clouded” my aura, making it murky. As a result, they prevented me from radiating at my highest self, and even brought along a toxic bad connection (which I quickly chopped off). It was after I processed these junk and cleared my “stuff” that my aura could radiate at its highest level and draw Ken in (see Myth #1). If I didn’t clear these blocks, I don’t think I would have been able to attract Ken back into my life.

If you’ve been single for a while, or you consistently attract bad connections, it’s possible that you’re dealing with such blocks. Now, everyone’s blocks is different, specific to you and your story. You want to ask yourself, “Why am I attracting X people? / Why am I not attracting my desired match?”, “Is there anything blocking me in love?” and “How can I address these blocks?” These will help you get started in uncovering these blocks.

(In Soulmate Journey, I’ll be working with you to uncover your individual love blocks and address them, so that you can exude your best energy and attract the right one for you.)

Truth: “Live your life” is only part of the equation of finding love. If you’ve been single or attracting incompatible partners for a while, you likely have blocks blocking you from your highest love. Until these blocks are addressed, simply “living your life” will not change anything.

Myth #3: Love should happen naturally

The desire to find love “naturally” is very Asian (probably elsewhere too). Many people in Asia have a romanticized notion of love and refuse to take a proactive stance in love because they feel it’s “unnatural” and “abnormal.”

What is “natural” though?

  • Not taking deliberate action to find love
  • Finding someone in your “normal” environment, like work, school, church, or existing social network
  • Not online dating, not arranged dating, not blind dates, not singles events
  • Not taking courses to find love
  • Pretending you don’t care about your love life when you do
  • Even if you do take deliberate action, masquerade it such that it doesn’t look deliberate. For example: Pretend to accompany your friend to a party when you really want to meet girls/guys. Go to an event and feign interest when you’re really there for dates.

The problem with “naturally” is you’re a goner if you don’t meet anyone compatible in your “natural” environment.

Say you haven’t met anyone in school, and your current workplace has no compatible matches (e.g. everyone is already married or it’s flooded with males/females against your favor), that’s the end. Most people spend 10 hours in their jobs each day, rest and spend time with family / old friends in the weekend, rinse and repeat. Unless you switch jobs every six months or your job inherently lets you meet a flock of new people regularly (most jobs don’t), you ain’t gonna meet anyone by sticking to your routine.

Example: Female in Accounting, Surrounded by Females Every Day

I’ve a good friend in accounting, and that was what she faced.

I don’t know about other countries but here, accounting is a female-dominated career. Whatever few males are usually married, while there are a ton of females. Every year, there’s a new batch of young (female) graduates who enter the accounting field, so basically there’s a never-ending flood of women. (To give you an idea, 75% of Singapore ACCA members are female! ACCA is the global body for professional accountants.)

So, my friend started checking out random singles events with a fun, open attitude. She started this in her mid-20s, whilst most people only do so in their late 20s / early 30s (when social pressure weighs down on them). Didn’t meet anyone, but hey, it was good for the experience!

When her friend suggested setting her up with her other friend, she thought, Why not? Just meet as friends. Doesn’t have to lead to anything. And that she did. She and the guy hit it off, and became a couple after a few weeks. Then three years of dating. Last year, they got married.

If my friend hadn’t moved out of her “zone,” she wouldn’t have met her husband. If you ask me, they are one of the most compatible couples I know. And it all started from venturing out of her “natural” space to meet new people and possibly find love.

Truth: Your (future) partner isn’t going to jump out of your television set. If you haven’t been meeting anyone compatible, it may be time to change things up. Getting out there to meet new people, exploring personal interests (that let you meet others), and checking out new dating channels are places to start.

Myth #4: All good men/women are taken

While I was single, sometimes I wondered if all the good men were taken. I never held this thought for long though, because I believed in the abundance mindset. Just as there are great guys who are married, there are many great guys who are single too.

And then I met Ken, and I thought he is the best guy I could have ever met. However, before Ken, I kept meeting incompatible guys. This proved to me that there are amazing people out there who are single, and just because you don’t see them (yet) doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

If you think about it, there are seven billion people in the world. So assume you’re 30~35, female, and looking for a guy between 35 and 45. Assuming 50% gender split, proportional distribution between ages 15 and 64, and 38% singlehood rate for guys in your target ages, that leaves you with 0.18 billion guys in your range.

Let’s say you have some specific criteria (personality, religion, race, height, whatever) and only 0.01% of these guys match the criteria. (0.01% = 1 in 10,000.) That leaves you with 0.018 million guys. Or 17,556 guysSingle, compatible guys. That’s a lot!

And in today’s global world, where everyone is connected and physical space is no longer a real separator, that means it’s easier to meet new people than ever. So it’s no longer an issue of not having a right match, but rather, how can you ready yourself for your right one? And where can you start finding compatible people?

Now, this is the same for you even if you’re a guy looking for a girl. (If not relatively easier, because guys do have an advantage vs. women in dating, especially after the age of 30.) In fact, my recent client (male) just got into a stable relationship with a very nice lady — and it looks like she may well be the one! 🙂 Here’s an email he sent to me two days ago:

For [X], very well! I think it’s the first time I’ve been attracted to someone as much in both their personality and looks. I mentioned that I like a quirky sense of humor and we both got that. She’s big into nature and doing things outdoors which I’m sure you’ll remember is what I really like — but don’t do enough. She eats really healthy and tasty food which is a good influence on me.

So all in all, very happy! She’s a keeper. 🙂

We’ve got a trip planned soon. I’m not usually the type to book holidays so quickly when first going out with someone but it just feels right so we booked them after a few weeks together.

Thanks for being a top-notch coach.

He’s usually really deliberate about who he dates and getting into a relationship, so for him to say the above, that means he’s really serious. I could also feel the difference from how he described her as early as before their first date, and later after their second date, so I’m super happy to see them together and him so happy in the relationship now. 🙂

My point here is no matter who you are, your age, or your background, there are compatible matches out there for you. There are tons of great single guys and girls out there, and you can’t say that “all good men/women are taken” when you’re probably basing this on a sample strata that’s no more than 0.001% of the real world.

What next then? It’s then about aligning yourself inside and out to attract your right one, and subsequently taking positive action to draw him/her in and put things into motion. 🙂 (See above.)

Truth: There are many great singles out there, wanting to meet their right one. If you think otherwise, that’s just because you haven’t met them yet. Get out there and meet new people! 🙂

Myth #5: I’m never going to find someone

I hear this from so many of my single friends, readers, and clients. And I totally understand where they come from. Love can be hard. It can be dejecting. And it can be downright frustrating.

Just to lay this straight in case this is the only article you ever read here:

  • You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
  • You are complete as yourself.
  • The reason you would want to be in a relationship is because it’s a new experience in life, it’s part and parcel of life’s growth, and being with the right person will help you to evolve in your path (and from you to him/her too).
  • Being in a healthy, conscious relationship elevates your life to a whole new level. Ken and I were completely happy prior to meeting each other, and after getting together we found new dimensions to life that we never knew existed. You may have seen this in other couples as well.

That said, I want to let you know that to you reading this, it’s likely that I don’t know you (yet). It’s likely that I don’t know your romantic situation (yet). It’s likely that you’ve been fraught with many difficulties in love, been at the brunt of negative relationships before, or have simply not dated before as you’ve not met the right one.

But — don’t give up! Know that love is a beautiful thing, and it’s something that all of us have in store for us. You, me, everyone.

If you’re jaded or skeptical about your love path, just look at the success examples in this post. (There were actually more, but I had to cut them as the post was getting too long. For example, PE reader Rhonda, who’s 50, divorced, but is in a loving relationship now and heading towards marriage. My friend N, 40, divorced with two kids, but is in a loving relationship now too with a great eligible man who’s ready to take her kids as his own.) Look at the people in your life who have found their “one” after many years. These are people who were once jaded about love, but found their “one” eventually. The same goes to you too!

All of us are on our individual love paths, so don’t compare yourself with others. Instead, use others as examples of how you can find love too. Focus your energy on aligning yourself and attracting your best love, as opposed to being skeptical, which will only exude negative energy and attract bad connections. Clear your love blocks, take proactive action to match your intent for love, and live your best life true to yourself. Then, you will draw your right “one” in.

Truth: Love can be frustrating. It can be confusing. However, you’re not alone in your struggles. Just like how others have found their best love, you can too. Focus on owning your true power, clearing your love blocks, and taking proactive action to match your intent for love. Then, love will come your way.

Soulmate Journey: Ready to Take Charge of Your Love Destiny? ♥

I’ll be closing registration for Soulmate Journey, my upcoming course on attracting your highest love. I’ve been communicating with some of the registrants and am SUPER excited about working with you guys. 🙂

Soulmate Journey is a LIVE group coaching course, where I’ll be working together with you (and other participants) to move forward in your love journey. It is NOT a self-study course, meaning I won’t be throwing you a bunch of videos to watch on your own. It is NOT a course where I mold you into some cookie-cutter template to attract a big bunch of guys/girls — rather, it’s an authentic relationship course in self-alignment and conscious action to attract your highest love of all. To attract your highest love for YOU.

I’ve already blocked out my time for the next 10 weeks to work with you. I believe you deserve a truly awesome guy/girl, not incompatible dates/partners you may have been meeting (and force-fitting yourself to). I hope you give me this opportunity to support you in drawing your real love.

This is the FINAL CALL. The GOLD tier with personal coaching is sold out, but the standard course ticket with community access is still available. Get your ticket NOW to secure your spot. I am keeping the group small so everyone gets quality attention. I won’t be running this for at least another year.

Read more about Soulmate Journey here, register your ticket here, and I’ll see you guys soon. 🙂 First class starts Feb 28, and I can’t wait to get started with you! 🙂 

Registration will close once we reach quota.

Update 28 Feb: Our class is now FULL and registration is now closed. To be informed of the next run, subscribe to free PE newsletter. Thank you! 🙂

(Image: Heart in a bowlLinked photons, Galaxy)

6 Falsehoods About Single People (including ‘Your Expectations are too High’)

Woman in crowd

Years ago, I was at a London pub with an acquaintance-friend, just hanging out. We were talking about relationships (both of us were single), and he asked me how many relationships I had been in before. I was 27 then.

“None,” I said earnestly.

His face paled. “…None?” he repeated. “Like you’ve never been in a relationship before?”

“Yep, been single my whole life,” I chirped, while ignoring the grave look on his face. I had been in a couple of short-term relationships up till then, but they were high-school trivialities that lasted no more than 1–2 weeks so they didn’t count. While I had been on dates and had been in budding romances before, none of them culminated to anything, so I regarded myself as always single.

The acquaintance paused. He took a sip from his drink, almost as if he needed to regain composure from what he just heard. Then he said, “You know, take it as a friend giving advice. When meeting guys next time, especially guys you like, don’t tell them what you just told me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying not to look insulted and hurt. “Like don’t tell guys that I’ve always been single?”

“Yeah. Don’t say you’ve never been in a relationship. Give any number, one or two. Just not zero.”

I paused, trying to hide my incredulous look while cautiously piecing together a diplomatic response. “But I’m not going to lie and tell people that I’ve been in relationships when I haven’t. That’s not who I am.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but if you tell guys that you’ve always been single, it’s not going to help. Trust me, I’m a guy. And I have many guy friends.”

The conversation quickly shifted to something else, but I remembered feeling slighted as a woman when we departed that evening. Lie about my singlehood? Why? Why should I have to hide my relationship history? Why should it be something to be ashamed about? It didn’t help that my acquaintance-friend was a presentable guy in his 30s, which left me wondering if there were really other guys who would think this way too.

Fast forward three years, and I’ve since met and married my soulmate. And no, I never had to lie or present a front, because I’ve always known that this isn’t the right way to attract real love. Games will only get you so far; real love is much grander than that.

While I’m now married, I remain passionate about helping singles to attract the love they deserve. That’s why I’m currently running a course Soulmate Journey to help singles attract the love they deserve. If you’re a single, you’ve probably been subjected to scrutiny and negative judgment from others due to your singlehood–and I want you to know that I FEEL YOU! As liberal our society has become, there are still many myths about single people today I want to burst with a pitchfork. Some are backward; some are plain untrue. Here are six common lies that singles are told regularly — can you relate to them?

Myth #1: You are undesirable

Have you ever felt that people lessen your worth just because you’re single? After all, everything in life comes in pairs. Our eyes, ears, lips, hands, legs, lungs, and kidneys. Being attached/married has always been seen as the de facto of life. To be single, not so much.

So when people see that you’re single, especially when you’re at or past marriageable age, some mentally discount your worth. Some assume you must be undesirable. Some wonder if there’s something wrong with you causing you to remain single even at your age.

But hey, is this true though? No, not really. Some singles may be single because they are choiceful about who to enter a relationship with. For example, I was single for so long because I didn’t want to get into a relationship with just any good guy, but someone I have a connection with. It took me 28 years to find my life’s true match, and as it turns out, this relationship is the only romantic relationship I need to be in. 🙂

For others, they may be prioritizing their careers or self-development currently. Then you have singles may just prefer to be single for now. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean he/she is undesirable; in fact, there are many very eligible singles out there, waiting to meet their “one”!

Myth #2: You have issues

Here’s the thing, and this may be an unpopular opinion: it is true that some singles have inner blocks that prevent them from getting attached. I shared about my own blocks before in my soulmate series, which included feeling I wasn’t good enough and fear of being hurt. For other singles, their blocks can be past failed relationships causing them to lose faith in love, also feeling they’re not good enough, lack of self-confidence, negative self-image, negative childhood stories, or even their own skepticism about love.

This collective mix of blocks leads to what I call the “singlehood aura” — an invisible “shield” that blocks singles from finding real love. (More on the singlehood aura and how to bust it in Soulmate Journey.)

Sad girl

Now, the problem with this stigma is that it connotes that singles are broken, incomplete beings who need a relationship to be whole, and that they are failures for not being with someone. That ain’t true at all. Not true at all.

When I say “issues,” I’m referring to blocks that any human being — you, me, your mom, my mom, the president, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey — has. All of us have issues to work through, but this doesn’t make us any less complete than others. Single people have issues, attached couples have issues, and so do married couples. Everyone has “stuff” to work through, no matter who you are. (When you consider that there are many married folks out there cheating on their other halves behind their backs, suddenly it’s clear that some couples probably have more “stuff” to deal with than some singles.)

Know that you are complete, and your singlehood isn’t a problem in itself. We are all in our individual paths and some of us attract love sooner while some later. While love will 100% elevate your life to the next level, it starts with you first recognizing you are a complete as yourself.

Myth #3: Your expectations are too high

It’s good to have high expectations. But when you’re single and past marriageable age, some people, especially older adults, chide you for having overly high expectations. “Stop being so picky,” they say. “Lower your expectations and settle with a decent guy/girl, or you may not find anyone anymore.”

Do singles have overly high expectations? Actually yes, some do. Some have ridiculous ideologies about how their partner should be like, from knowing how to climb mountains, to being witty and able to make them laugh, to knowing how to cook, to loving dogs, to belonging a certain faith. Now individually these traits are sound, but when combined, suddenly it becomes near impossible to find anyone that matches anything on your list.

However, I’ve found that such singles with fairy-tale ideologies aren’t common. Instead, the problem I’ve found with most singles isn’t that they have high expectations, but that they have wrong expectations. What do I mean? Clue: What most people think is what they want usually isn’t what they really want. That’s why they keep having problems finding their ideal mate — because they aren’t even looking at the right place for the right things! Hence, it isn’t about lowering your expectations which will only make you miserable in the long run (because you’ll just be “settling” then and repressing your real wants), but clarifying your real wants. (I share more on how to deep-dive and identify your ideal partner in Soulmate Journey.)

Myth #4: You are high-maintenance

In terms of relationships, high-maintenance means being emotionally needy and having a lot of expectations. This term is usually used to describe women. Some men seem to think that if a woman has always been single, she must be a crazy, clingy woman when attached. After all, she doesn’t have much relationship experience, so she’s going to be too *into* me after we become attached. It’s going to be difficult for me to break up with her later on. Better steer clear, is what some guys may think. Some may assume that since the woman is single, it’s probably because she is too demanding and hence hasn’t been able to get together with anyone.

Koala bear

Clingy = How a koala bear is to a tree

Well, I can see truths here and there. Indeed, some longstanding singles can be very independent before a relationship, but suddenly turn the 180 degree and become very high-strung, sensitive, and possessive after getting together with someone. Some singles do have crazy expectations (see Stigma #3) which prevents them from being happy with anyone. Sometimes it’s just a path that one has to get through as he/she works out his/her relationship needs and the role of a relationship in his/her life.

Yet, “emotional neediness” can happen for girls and guys, including those who’ve been in many relationships before. For example, I knew a friend’s friend who would go psycho and tell his friends about how his girlfriend was cheating on him etc. when she didn’t reply to his calls/texts. (No, I’m not joking.) This would happen for each girlfriend he was with, though I don’t know if he has worked through this issue internally. (And he prides himself at being a pick-up artist and teaches men how to pick up women — go figure?)

Clearly, clinginess in a relationship is more dependent on the person than a person’s relationship history. Some singles remain extremely independent even after getting into a relationship, because they had so much space to come into their own prior to getting together with someone. I was never clingy or emotional needy after I got together with my boyfriend / now-husband (in fact I remained quite independent for a while before shifting to interdependence), and it’s the same for my longstanding single friends when they got together with their boyfriends / now-husbands. So, to each his/her own.

Myth #5: You’re desperate

According to Dictionary.com, desperate means “having an urgent need, desire,” “actuated by a feeling of hopelessness.” In terms of dating, I see desperate as…

  • Constantly obsessing to be in a relationship
  • Being men/women hungry
  • Constantly eyeing for men/women to hit on while you’re out, including when you’re at others’ weddings (and funerals)
  • Hitting on multiple men/women (even if you don’t like them) just to increase your chances of getting attached
  • Entering into a relationship with someone even when you don’t like him/her, just for the sake of being with someone

Desperate ISN’T

  • Joining dating agencies, singles’ events, and online dating. These are simply avenues to date and meet people
  • Being proactive in seeking your ideal partner
  • Engaging a dating coach
  • Joining a dating course
  • Being open to be set up on dates

Some singles are desperate, yes. But many aren’t. Just because someone is single, and out there meeting singles and joining singles’ events, doesn’t mean he/she is desperate. There’s a difference between being proactive and desperate in love, and it’s time to toss outdated views out of the window including “love should happen naturally” and “I should leave love to fate (and not do anything about it).”

Myth #6: You’ll be left on the shelf (for ladies)

Bookshelf

Now I may be biased since I’m female, but I feel females tend to be more stigmatized for being single than males. It’s really true, especially in Asia.

For example, here females tend to be seen as most eligible when they’re in their 20s, because that’s when they are (a) most attractive (as defined by the society), and (b) more likely to bear children. As they enter their 30s, late 30s, and beyond, they tend to “depreciate” in their value as a mate. It’s why dating agencies in Singapore generally accept females up to their early 30s. (In fact joining *only* when you’re in your early 30s may even be too late because girls in their 20s are preferred due to the above reason.) Older than that and you’ll probably be rejected. It’s not that the agencies stigmatize these women, but that such women simply aren’t in demographics that their male clientele is looking for.

On the other hand, men tend to be seen as eligible even when they’re in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. Think George Clooney, who was constantly named as America’s most eligible bachelor up till he got married last year at the age of 53. There’s Leonardo Dicarprio who, despite being 40, shows no signs of settling down as he changes supermodel girlfriends more often than I drink coffee. And there’s Donald Trump, who married for the third time in 2005 at the age of 59, with Slovenian model Melania Knauss (who was 35 then).

And should I mention Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy Enterprises, who recently re-married in 2012 at the age of 85? And his wife? She was 25 then, and 28 as of 2015. (She’s even younger than me.)

But, this whole “left on the shelf” thing? I think it’s baloney and should be thrown out of the window, because it’s an outdated view that only creates pressure on single women to marry quickly while young, leading to them being in relationships with someone they don’t love. This later leads to marital troubles, cheating, affairs, divorce, and what have you. (And that’s why you have services like Ashley Madison popping out of the woodwork.)

Yes sure, a woman’s fertility decreases in her early 30s and rapidly after 35. But there are women who have children in their late 30s. And not all couples need to have children; some already have children from previous relationships. And if you’re past the child-bearing age, there’s always adoption, and there are many orphaned kids there are out there who can do with a home. Lest you think adoption is only for women who can’t have babies, think again. We have Katherine Heigl, who has two beautiful adopted children with her husband. (She adopted them when she was 30 and 33.) We have Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together — 3 adopted, 3 biological.

My take is that everyone has a different love journey. Some meet their mate in high school. Some meet him/her in their 20s. Some in their 30s. Some meet their soulmate in their 40s, or even 50s and beyond. Just because a lady isn’t attached/married yet doesn’t mean she is doomed to be left on the shelf. There is a love story for every one of us, as long as we open ourselves and take the step to make it happen.

Be sure to read these articles:

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(Image: Woman in crowd, Sad girl, Koala bear, Bookshelf)