2014 – REVOLUTIONAPPAREL

I’m Getting Married and I’m Afraid of My Wife Seeing My Private Parts. Help?

Dear Celes,
I am a 25-year-old man. I am facing the biggest crisis in my life as I am going to get married. My brief background would make it clear.
When I was a kid, around 10, my female cousin (around the same age) and I would sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand accidentally touched my thigh and she felt something bulging. She asked me what it was. In my child-like, innocent enthusiasm I opened my shorts and she saw my erect p****. She got excited and started rocking it, saying that she had now seen my ‘shame-shame.’ Later, in the same excitement, she told all this to her mother as though it were some achievement on her part! For this, both of us got a good spanking with a warning that it is shameful for boys and girls to see the “shame-shame” of one another.
As I grew older, I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations. But the situation I am going to get into — marriage — demands that this shame be considered desirable, in the name of sex! And till now I have no idea how a grown-up girl/young lady will react on seeing a p****. Pray tell me whether she would feel shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock my shame-shame.
How do I even hope to face the ‘blasphemous’ prospect of her having to touch it with her hand? I do not see any escape from this situation I’m about to enter.
– Ka (Not real name)

Hi Ka, usually I don’t discuss sexual topics on PE because I want to create a family-friendly, G-rated environment here. However after reading your question, I think it’s important that I address it. Firstly, I don’t see this as a sexual question but more of a personal development situation tied to a sexual situation. Secondly, I think it’s precisely because many people, especially those in conservative cultures, avoid discussing/understanding sexual topics openly that results in predicaments like this. This is unfortunate, so my aim of featuring this question today is to create a conscious conversation around your predicament — one that many others, especially those in traditional cultures, are probably facing.

If you’re a young teen or a parent whose kids are reading PE, know that exposure to this topic (discussion about private parts, sexual organs and the like) is inevitable, and that it’s better that you and your child read about it here first as opposed to growing up with an undeveloped understanding about it and learning things the hard way later.

Showering with My Brother

Perhaps I best start off with a childhood story.

Some of you may have read from some of my articles that I have an elder brother. While my brother and I care for each other, we pretty much don’t talk, sort of like how things used to be with me and my parents. It’s been this way since we were kids, and if I were to trace it down to an incident, I would say it was when I was in Primary/Grade 3 (and my brother was in Primary/Grade 5; he’s two years older than me), and when my mom yelled at us and rebuked us very harshly… after she caught us showering together (in a sibling way of course).

Now, the thing is that up until then, we were really close. Super close. Showering together was a normality for us then; it was fun and we would play around and splash water at each other etc. So when my mom rebuked us that day, I didn’t understand why. Neither did my brother, I think. Subsequently whenever I invited my brother to shower, he would say that we shouldn’t and that we would get scolded by mom later. I would be disappointed and took it as my brother not wanting to spend time with me anymore. Over time, we began to distance, and then the internet boom happened, and almost all every kid in the world began to recede into his/her bubble with IRC chat and what not.

Was my mom at fault? No, not at all. When I later reflected on the incident as an adult, I realized why she did what she did. It was a normal thing that most moms would have done. If I were her, I probably would have freaked out too, though I would have counseled my kids and explained why.

Growing Up with Fears of My Future Boyfriend/Husband Seeing My (Naked) Body

Now, fast forward to many years later. I grew up from kid-Celes to adult-Celes.

As adult-Celes, I sometimes worried about the day I would have a boyfriend / be physically close with a guy, because of my fear about how the guy would perceive my body/private parts/etc. This had nothing to do with the childhood incident above but rather my own negative body image due to media/societal conditioning and what now. This is something I shared in my body image series and have since overcome. My negative self-body-image encompassed my entire body and naturally included my private parts as well since they are part of my body.

I used to have a negative body image, as shared in my body image series (Image: Vadim Pacev)

So I would occasionally worry that I wouldn’t be appealing or attractive enough to my future boyfriend, whoever he might be, and that I needed to keep my body in tip-top shape — like being physically svelte, going for brazilian hair removal, shaving, having minimal body hair, etc. — to mitigate my concerns and also out of personal hygiene and self-care.

And then I got together with Ken (who is now my husband), and realized that all my fears for all these years were unfounded.

All my concerns, fears, shame, etc. I’ve ever had about my body, he doesn’t share them at all. In fact he thinks it’s ridiculous that I could ever have any of this thought, and to him I’m the most perfect and beautiful girl with the most perfect body that he can ever want in a woman. While I had previously busted a lot of my negative body image and concerns, being with him made me further realize that whatever fears and concerns I had about my body are totally silly, stupid, out of place, and were every bit false and in my mind.

Our Shame and Fears about Our Private Parts / Body

My point of sharing these experiences with you Ka is that whatever fears we have about our own body / sexuality / private parts are likely unfounded, ridiculous, and based on nothing but long-held cultural-yet-nonsensical beliefs. If we break down your current predicament,

You feel ashamed about your private parts on a certain level.
You are not sure how a grown-up female would perceive a male’s privates; likely negatively as that seems to be the default view of your culture and your understanding of how females were raised.
You are getting married soon and you’ll soon enter this inevitable situation where a female, your wife, will see/touch your privates, whether out of desire (physical intimacy) or necessity (to have kids).
You are afraid your soon-to-be wife will feel negatively or even mock you about your private parts.

Notice how these four fears/concerns are based on nothing but the notion that it is shameful for males and females to see each other’s private parts? A notion that’s part of an age-old belief (I’m guessing you’re from India based on what you’ve shared and your name which I didn’t reveal here — from my experience, this thinking is prevalent in more traditional Asian cultures but not so much in western countries), but a notion all the same.

And how did this notion come about? Probably decades or centuries ago, when a bunch of people decided that unmarried males/females seeing each others’ private parts should be considered taboo because of possible implications like triggering of lust, unplanned/unprotected sex, underage sex, unwanted pregnancies, or even rape. And this belief, this taboo, might have come about because there were real cases of such things happening — meaning it started with a positive intent — so people started thinking “It is shameful for opposite genders to see each others’ private parts.” Subsequently perhaps this belief degraded to “Our private parts are shameful objects that cannot be seen by the opposite gender or anyone at all” and even possibly “We are shameful for having private parts.” Of course, religious views and conservative cultural views might have played a role too.

Our Bodies/Private Parts – Nothing to be Ashamed About!

If we look at the male and female bodies objectively, there is nothing to be ashamed about them — any part of it. Our bodies are a natural part of the world. For those of us who are religious, our bodies were created by God; for those of us who are non-religious, our bodies are simply a natural creation of the universe. Why on earth should there be anything to be feared, shamed, mocked, scorned, or sneered about our bodies, when they are really the holy temples of our minds, hearts, and souls?

Hence, if you feel shameful about your body in any way Ka, don’t. Because there is nothing to feel shameful about it. The only reason why any of us would feel shameful about our body, any part of it, is because of our childhood stories — stories where we were told when we were young that our body or private parts are disgusting, taboo, unworthy, unholy, unsightly, undesirable, undeserving, or even unnatural. And that’s why we then grow up perceiving them as such.

In your case, it could well be that spanking and scolding incident you got when you were young. For others, it could be a different situation. Either case, childhood stories can be rewritten, as I’ve shared in my childhood stories article. It’s about identifying the incident(s) that has/have impacted you, uncovering the beliefs that you formulated from the incident(s), challenging them, and then correcting them. I recommend to read the article and apply the steps to slowly release yourself from the chains of your past or even your society. Just because the people around you and your society think that opposite genders seeing each other’s private parts or even that private parts are shameful doesn’t mean that you need to carry this belief.

How about Your Wife?

As for your soon-to-be wife, the same thing applies.

Maybe she feels the same way as you — grossed by the thought that she will have to see a male’s private parts soon. She may feel angry, shocked, and outraged that she would have to go through this “ritual” of married life, and she’s dreading the day it happens.
Maybe she doesn’t feel grossed out, but fearful about the situation, because she agrees that a female shouldn’t be allowed to see a male’s private parts. She feels ashamed that it’s going to happen soon, because it will mean that she is now “tainted” and “unpure”. She doesn’t know how to handle the situation, and she’s freaking the heck out about it.
Or maybe, she’s actually not grossed out nor concerned about seeing your private parts at all. Instead, she is fearful about YOU, her soon-to-be husband, seeing HER private parts, because she has been raised to feel ashamed of HER own private parts. She believes that having any male see her privates is a shameful, blasphemous act. (Sound familiar?) She is worried that YOU, her soon-to-be husband, will feel “shameful, angry, shocked or worse still, mock” them! Maybe she’s scared that YOU, after seeing them, will think they are gross, ugly, disgusting, unsightly, and not good enough [for you]!

Now, if your soon-to-be wife belongs to the first two schools of thought, it doesn’t mean anything. The reason why she would think this way would be because she had the same conditioning as you when she was young, growing up in the same society at all. If so, she needs your help, as her soon-to-be husband, to know that this — spouses seeing each other naked and private parts — isn’t a shameful act, but is simply a natural part of a couple in love coming together and becoming physically close. (Hello, how else do you think most of us in today’s world came about???)

If so, your soon-to-be wife would your help, as the other half of the relationship, to guide her through this process and understand that this is okay and normal, and there’s nothing to feel shameful or scared about. Give her time to adapt to the situation; don’t force or accelerate anything (not that you will); let her know that you love her as who she is, unconditionally, independent of physical intimacy. Remember that physical intimacy is simply a natural result of your love, not an objective to be achieved in a relationship/marriage.

Now, how about if it’s the third school of thought, where SHE herself is ashamed of her private parts and you seeing them??? In fact, if you ask me, I think this is more likely the case, given media’s frequent targeting of the female body!

Also, notice how you have been worried about your wife seeing YOUR private parts as opposed to you feeling abhorred/disgusted by you soon seeing hers?? We’re often the harshest critics of ourselves, when to others, our concerns have no place at all! If so, it’s more even more important that you are her support and anchor who lets her know that everything IS okay, that there’s nothing shameful or unattractive about HER body, and that you love every bit of her and find it attractive! It becomes even more important that you sort out your own insecurities/fears about yourself / the circumstance so that you’re in the best position to help her to sort out her insecurities/fears. Because if we’re too buried in our heads about our own problems, then how can we be able to help others with theirs?

Regardless of her belief, she’ll realize over time, with your love and guidance and also her own self-reflection, that this thinking is just a myth and that there’s no basis to be ashamed, fearful, or even mortified by this act.

Remember, You’re Not Alone

My final note to you is that what you’re experiencing now, your fears and all, isn’t isolated to yourself. Ten thousands of people get married every day. A chunk of these people see their spouse’s private parts for the first time that day, with some seeing another person’s private parts for the first time in their LIVES.

At the same time, a portion of these people have likely fearing this moment for the days, weeks, months, even YEARS, leading up to that day, only to realize that subsequently… Hey, this is nothing but just a silly fear in my mind, and it has absolutely no consequence in my life, my marriage, or my love with my spouse!

It is my wish that you will realize that soon, perhaps with the aid of this article, that your fear is totally unnecessary and you’ll soon look back and laugh at how silly this anxiety and emotional roller coaster has been.

Good luck Ka and let me know how things go! 🙂

Here are some related articles to check out:

Affirmation Challenge Day 10 [Love]: ‘I’m attracting my soulmate.’ / ‘I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.’

This is Day 10 of the 15-Day Affirmation Challenge held in July 2014, where we practice positive affirmations for 15 days. The challenge is now over but you can do the tasks in your own time. Visit the overview page for all the challenge tasks.

Note from Celes: Heartfelt condolences to the family and loved ones of the MH17 crash, which was shot down today (Friday) by a surface-to-air missile. On board the flight were as many as 100 delegates — AIDS researchers, health workers and activists — heading to Australia for a global AIDS conference.

Dear everyone, welcome to Day 10 of our 15-Day Affirmation Challenge! 😀

Here is the overview of all the posts for the challenge so far:

Now, let’s move to today’s task, which is on…

Day 10: [Love]

There are two affirmations for today — one for singles, and one for those already in a relationship. 😀

For singles:

“From this moment on, I’m attracting my soulmate, and in time to come we’ll meet and be forever bound in love and light.”

For those in a relationship:

“I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.”

Love — something that so many people are seeking in today’s world. I once heard this saying that there are two things that people are most desperate for today — one is love, the other is money. When I heard that, I thought, How true is that? From online dating websites, to dating agencies, to date coaching services, to pick-up artistry i.e. the darker side of the dating world where guys strategize how to pick up and seduce women, to most recently dating apps, dating — or rather, love — is a constant topic of interest for many.

Even after one successfully gets into a relationship, the quest to find/receive love never truly ends. Firstly, as most couples can relate, there’s always the occasional dispute about wishing the other party would spend more time with him/her. For some, this can be turn into a serious conflict, sometimes to the point of breaking up. Then, you have people who dispute with their partners over things like “Why haven’t you cleaned the house like you promised?”, “You forgot about our anniversary; why?” and “I wish you would stop siding with your mom/dad/friend for once and support me.” While these may seem like petty conflicts, underlying them is a tiny request to be honored, loved, and respected, because to these people, these “petty” issues reflect a lack of love from their partners.

There’s a big reason why we’re constantly seeking love. Firstly, the media and society often suggest that we need to be in a relationship to be complete. To be honest, this isn’t anyone’s fault, but simply a reflection of the modern society’s consciousness. Secondly, we’ve never taught (at least not in school) to recognize the love that’s within us. To be loved, I need to get it from someone — or something, is what most of us subconsciously believe.

However, love is everywhere, like I’ve mentioned in 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love. Most importantly, love — all the love that we seek — is already here, within us. We do not need love and we do not need to be loved to feel love — we can feel love by recognizing that we are, in fact, beings of love and light. In order to find love and to create the most loving relationship, we have to first recognize this.

Early on in Week 1, Day 2, of the challenge, I invited you to practice the affirmation, “I love myself unconditionally.” Then Day 6, your task was to recognize that you are worthy of love, success, and happiness. The reason why I set these two tasks in Week 1, before today’s task, is because you need to (1) love yourself, (2) recognize that the love you seek is already IN you, and (3) know that you are worthy of love before you can consciously receive and appreciate any love that others give you.

Today’s task comes in two parts. For those of you who are single, your task is to attract the right kind of love into your life. For those of you in a relationship, your task is to enhance what you already share with your partner. Let’s get started! 😀

Your Task Today

Imagine your ideal romantic relationship. Remember yesterday’s task, where I asked you to identify your ideal relationship? Well, the first step today is to imagine your ideal ROMANTIC relationship. 😀
- For singles: What’s your dream relationship like? How would you describe it? For example, perhaps your ideal relationship is one where you can be your natural self, without changing your mannerisms just to make the other person feel comfortable. Perhaps your ideal relationship is one where you can share your grandest life goals (without hiding them) and pursue them with your partner. And so on. Write as much as you want!
- For those in a relationship: Identify your ideal relationship with your partner. It doesn’t matter whether these qualities are currently present in your relationship — simply write them down.For example, maybe your ideal relationship is one where your partner is constantly there to listen to you — and he/she is already doing it. Awesome, write this down! Perhaps your ideal relationship is one where your partner doesn’t nitpick about things so often — however, this isn’t the case right now. That’s okay; write it down too! Or perhaps your ideal relationship is one where your partner is highly organized and efficient — but this isn’t so right now. Sure, write it down too.
Identify simple steps you can make to this relationship happen.
- For singles: Read 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love (you can just scan through the 10 steps first). Based on the article, which steps do you think apply most to you right now? What are the next steps you can take to attract this relationship into your life?
- For those in a relationship: Reflect on your current relationship against your ideal relationship from Step #1. What are the areas where they match up? Any areas where they don’t match up?If your relationship 100% matches up with your ideal, congratulations!! However, if it doesn’t, allow me to say that not only is this perfectly normal, it’s also great because you have just unveiled a gap area which might well mutate into a huge conflict have you not caught it today! Just like we can have gaps between our current selves and ideal selves, it’s normal for our relationship to have some gaps vs. our ideal relationship. So, this is actually a great thing!
  So the question now to you is, what can you do to close this gap? (Clue: the solution usually lies in changing yourself, be it your actions or your beliefs, and not your partner. Be a Better Me in 30 Days‘s Day 22 on Mirror an Annoyance explains more about such a phenomenon.) For example:
  - Say you wish your partner is more organized. Perhaps it reflects your desire to be more organized yourself, and the next step is to be more organized, including having a structured time table, decluttering your workspace and your computer, and setting clear personal goals.
  - Say you wish your partner doesn’t nitpick so often. Perhaps it’s because he/she can be quite self-critical, and that causes him/her to be critical about others too. What you can do here is to shower him/her with love, praise him/her more often, and basically show him/her the path of emotional generosity so he/she can see a better path.
Take action! Take action on the steps you have identified in Step #2! Include deadlines where applicable, and get working on them — starting today if possible!
Say today’s affirmation. Close your eyes. Visualize yourself in the exact relationship you just painted in Step #1. Both of you are holding each other’s hands and strolling down the beach together, talking, smiling, and laughing. After some time, you stop to hug him/her, and he/she gladly returns your hug. At this moment, both of you are locked in a tight, passionate embrace. Feel the love, excitement, and happiness arising in your heart as all this is happening.Now when you are ready, say the affirmation:
- (For singles):
  “From this moment on, I’m attracting my soulmate, and in time to come we’ll meet and be forever bound in love and light.”
- (For those in a relationship):
  “I’m in a loving relationship filled with unconditional love, trust, and respect.”
  (If you think it’s silly to say this out loud, you can say it silently in your heart.)

I encourage you to write down today’s affirmation so that you can always see it and commit it to your heart. Repeat it every day to yourself, for as many times and as long as needed, until it becomes part of your default thinking.

Affirmation Wallpaper: [Love]

Today’s affirmation wallpaper comes in two versions: one for singles, and another for those of us already in a relationship. 🙂

For singles:

Download (right click and save): [1366×768] [1600×900] [1920×1080]

For those in a relationship:

Download (right click and save): [1366×768] [1600×900] [1920×1080]

Share Your Results!

Share your results, check out other participants’ responses, and interact with each other in the comments section! Remember, this challenge is a community effort: by openly engaging in the discussion, not only will you help others, you’ll also help yourself.

If you think today’s affirmation has benefited you, do share it with your friends and family.

Once you’re done, proceed to Day 11 here: Affirmation Challenge, Day 11 [Career]

(Images: Flower, Silhouette of a couple)

I’ve Been Hurt Deeply Before. How Can I Restore My Faith in Relationships?

(Image: bored-now)

“Dear Celes, I don’t remember how I found you and your blog. What I remember is how touched I felt when I read your series on How To Move On From a Heartbreak. At that time I was in a similar ambiguous romantic-yet-not-in-a-relationship position that you were in with G, and successfully moved on from it. I posted a ‘Thank you’ in response.
Now, three years later, I just moved on from a relationship that broke due to infidelity and betrayal. However, having been betrayed before, I’m afraid of being betrayed again. I know that I cannot live in the past, but my past has changed me into the person I am, including all my fears and insecurities in relationships.
According to your signs, I have already moved on from my former relationship. I have forgiven all the infidelity and betrayal, sought closure with my ex and moved on. I no longer blame my ex or my past, but you know, emotions are real even if you don’t want them to exist. How can I move on with complete faith in relationships again?” — Anna

Hi Anna, firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you were betrayed before. Secondly, I’m really happy for you that you’ve moved on. It was not an easy thing to do but you have done it. Now it’s about taking the next step ahead.

For more on moving on, read How I Moved On From a Heartbreak (series).

The fear of betrayal one experiences after an infidelity may be due to the traumatic experience of that ordeal. However, given that you said you have moved on (and it sounds like you have since you have worked through all the steps of moving on) but the fear still persists, this fear — or at least the root of this fear — may well have nothing to do with that infidelity. Rather, it may stem from before this incident — before you were cheated on, before you even got together with your ex.

In other words, your ex’s infidelity didn’t cause your fear of betrayal. It merely brought it to your awareness. More specifically, it is probably the reflection of deeper fears you have surrounding love, relationships, and most of all, yourself.

Example: My Experience with Heartbreak

For example, after I was let down by G in university, there were times when I wondered if I would ever find someone I like. My subconscious conclusions from the episode were that I wasn’t good enough to be loved, that I could never find love and that perhaps I was destined to be alone. The experience of liking someone, opening my heart to him, and not having my feelings requited crushed my heart (and ego). Deep down I felt like shit, an experience I’ve already detailed in my moving on series.

There were times when I thought that all my relationship and singlehood woes would be resolved if things had worked out with G back in school. However, it didn’t take long before I realized that these thoughts — fears — had nothing to do with G or our connection not working out. Rather, they had everything to do with my own inferiority about myself and my appeal as a woman — all of which I already held years before meeting him. I never thought about them out loud, but subconsciously I already had these hangups.

So why did the G event surface these fears? Well, for the first time in my life, I acknowledged to myself that I wanted to be with someone. For the first time in my life, I opened my heart to someone. And for the first time in my life, the reason for my singlehood was not because “There’s no one I like at the moment” or “I’m not looking for a relationship now,” but that “The person I like doesn’t want to be with me.” To have the possibility of a great relationship dangled in front of me and then ripped away so abruptly only made me feel the raw-wound effects of not being deserving of love.

“I’m not good enough”

and

“I’m not good enough to be loved”

were my deep seated beliefs that came roaring from that episode. These limiting beliefs had always been in me; the episode merely brought them to light.

(I subsequently worked through my hangups surrounding love over the years, as I’ve documented in the following:

Doing so subsequently led me to find my real soulmate.)

Deeper Roots Beneath Your Relationship Fears

Now Anna, if you have truly moved on from that infidelity, chances are your fear of betrayal has deeper roots that extend before that infidel relationship. These roots may be from your past or from other fears about yourself. If so, you need to look past that infidelity because your fear doesn’t have (or at least, no longer has) anything to do with the infidelity. You need to look (1) earlier into your past, before that relationship, and (2) deeper into yourself, beneath your day-to-day thoughts and feelings, for your answer.

For example, Person X can experience a betrayal and conclude, “I may get betrayed again,” “There is no good man/woman out there in the world,” and “This new guy/girl I just met may seem nice but who knows if he/she is going to cheat on me after we get together?” These may seem like common fears but they are in fact terminalistic, fear-based conclusions.

However, someone else say Person Y can experience a betrayal too but walk away with the following thoughts, “It’s just this one-off — I’ll meet a good man/woman who will be true to me,” “There are plenty of great, honest, and loyal men/women in this world and I just need to meet the right one,” and “This new guy/girl I just met seems terrific! I look forward to seeing how things will unfold.”

Why the radically difference in thinking between X and Y, despite the same circumstances?

One possibility is that X has always been negative self-beliefs prior to the betrayal, such as, “”I’m not good enough to attract the person I like,” “I’m not deserving of love,” and “I may never find someone who loves me.” All the result of negative self-esteem, lack of positive experiences with love, constantly seeing relationships fail, or all of the above.

Hence when the betrayal happened, X could only see the negative aspects of it — negative aspects that corroborated his/her existing negative beliefs. These negative fears then filled his/her consciousness and became the dominant part of his/her thinking. While it may seem like these fears are the result of the betrayal, they aren’t. They are merely a reflection of X’s negative self-esteem that has been there since before the betrayal.

So what if the betrayal never took place, you ask? What if the relationship worked out and there was never any infidelity? Well, one possibility is that the person would naturally realize that his/her negative self-beliefs were false and let go of them. Quite unlikely though. The more dominant possibility is that his/her negative self-beliefs would manifest in other ways, even with a loving and authentic partner. Can you relate to the following?

Fear that your partner is seeing someone behind your back, even though he/she has never done anything to deserve this fear
Feeling that you are not good enough for your partner, even though he/she doesn’t think that way
Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you enough, even though he/she has always been loving towards you
Fear that your partner is going to leave you one day, even though there are no signs that the relationship is going wrong
Possessiveness over your partner, because you fear losing him/her someday
Feeling like your partner is hiding something from you, even though he has always been truthful with you

On the other hand, Person B, not having existing negative self-beliefs, gets hurt from the betrayal but doesn’t walk away with a lingering fear of relationships. After moving on from the episode, he/she has renewed faith in relationships. He/she sees the betrayal as what it is — a one-off betrayal of trust by someone he/she used to love and trust, as opposed to proof that he/she is not deserving of love or that he/she will continue to be betrayed in future romances. The incident doesn’t get blown up into something that it isn’t.

Uncover and Let Go of these Negative Roots

So Anna, here’s what I recommend:

Identify your limiting beliefs about love and relationships. What are the beliefs keeping you from entering a loving relationship? The fear of being betrayed is one, but there are likely more. Write them down. For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days, refer to Day 26: Identify Your Limiting Thoughts.
Understand your childhood stories driving these beliefs. How did these beliefs come about? Underneath each belief lies a story, usually originating from childhood. This is especially so for persistent, long-running beliefs. To break them, you need to understand the stories first. Read What Childhood Stories Are You Replaying Today?
Let go of your childhood stories. Refer to steps three to five of the exercise at the end of the childhood stories article.
Replace with new, empowering beliefs about love and relationships. Now that you have let go of these stories, what empowering beliefs can you replace your limiting beliefs with? For example: “I don’t deserve to be loved” can be replaced with “I deserve love like anyone else. In fact, I am love.” Another example: “I’m not good enough to be loved” can be replaced with “I’m perfection and there’s nothing wrong or missing in me.” For those of you with Be a Better Me in 30 Days, check out Day 27: Replace with Empowering Thoughts.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best in overcoming this fear and finding the love that you deserve.

Read as well: Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever?

Should I Marry a Guy I Don’t Love?

(Image: Bridget Flohe)

“Dear Celes, thank you very much for your wonderful blog. I feel that you are very sensible woman. As you have found your true love, I have decided to ask you for advice — should I marry a very decent guy if I don’t feel anything more than respect and friendly feelings to him?
The reason I ask is that I’m 28 but I haven’t had any relationship before this. I’ve fallen in love several times before but the guys either turned out to be married, not interested in me, had a very unstable mind, or were irresponsible and let me down…
I would love to listen to my heart but even till today my heart is used to making the wrong decisions…
Now I met this guy and he fell in love with me immediately. He is very responsible, caring, perceptive… But I simply don’t feel anything for him…
I’ve told him that already but he asked me to give him a chance and to see if I would change my mind… I’ve given him that chance but I simply don’t feel emotional or physical compatibility… I just can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him…
Should I give him a straight-up “no” and continue to wait/search for someone while living my life? Or is there a chance that love will come after marriage?
Thank you in advance.” — M

Hey M, I read your letter and knew that I had to respond to you right away. I hope this reply reaches you in time.

Some people will give you a straight up “NO YOU SHOULDN’T MARRY HIM!!” as they believe that marriage should only be based on love. These people are the hardcore romantics and idealists, which I am too in a way.

On the other hand, you have the more realistic and pessimistic of people who will tell you to just marry and settle because it’s hard for a good man to come by and this guy seems exactly that. “Even if you don’t love him,” they will say, “at least he’ll take care of you. You can work on cultivating the love after marriage, over time.” Such advice is particularly common in Asia, where one’s self-worth can be tied to their relationship and marital status.

But rather than give you a straight “Yes you should marry him” or “No you shouldn’t marry him,” the more important question here is: “What is the role of marriage for you?” Because your answer is directly linked to your decision.

Why Marry?

While I used to think that a marriage should only be borne out of love, I’ve realized over time that this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone.

For example, some people marry for companionship. This could be out of fear of being lonely or just wanting to spend your life with someone. For such a person, it doesn’t matter if he/she doesn’t love the other party. As long as the other party is sincere, reliable, and loves him/her, he/she is okay with marrying him/her. I knew someone who married her then-boyfriend under this exact circumstance, though ironically he had an affair later on and they got divorced. Most people in my parents’ generation married for companionship and then worked on cultivating love after marriage (though whether they succeed or not is a different thing altogether).

Some people marry with the sole goal of having kids. I have a friend who is one of them (I mentioned him before here). In my friend’s case, he really wants to have his own kids — and he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to find his match in the coming years. Since he’s not getting any younger, he’s totally okay with getting a mail-order bride just to have kids by a certain age. After that, he says both him and his wife can go the Ashley Madison route (i.e. have extra-marital affairs) — he really doesn’t care either way.

Then there are the people who marry because they feel that they have to. To them, marriage is a rite of passage, a necessity of life, and a fundamental part of being human. They even have a target on when to get married and they strive to realize that! Hence, the significance of marriage comes from its very occurrence by a certain time frame rather than who they are marrying. As such, they don’t have overt expectations on what their partner should be like. As long as he/she looks okay, falls within a suitable age bracket, comes from the same social strata, and has the same religion (all external factors by the way), they are okay with marrying that person.

Last but not least, you have the people who marry for love. These people marry because they love the person they are with and they want to be with him/her for the rest of their life — not because of societal pressure, not because they feel like they are at a marriageable age, and not because they want to get a house (which some Singaporeans marry for). Thus, they are okay with remaining single for life if they don’t find someone they love. It’s more important that they marry someone they love rather than getting locked in a marriage with someone they don’t love.

Marrying Out of Love

Now M, if your expectations of marriage is to have a life-long companion — someone who will be with you and take care of you even when you’re old with white hair — then this guy seems to fit the bill. To quote you, “he’s reliable, caring, perceptive,” not to mention that he seems really patient and sincere because he still wants to be with you despite you not sharing the same feelings for him! Assuming that nothing changes after marriage, then it seems that this guy is a keeper.

However, let’s say your expectations of marriage are that it should be based on love. You can’t imagine being with someone you do not love.

If so, we have a problem. Because not only do you not feel a physical compatibility with this guy, but you don’t feel an emotional compatibility either. Not to mention you said you can’t imagine having a spousal relationship with him! All these point to a very fundamental issue and I’m not sure if you should be talking or considering marriage with him until this is resolved.

What Happens When You Marry Someone You Don’t Love?

So let’s do a little scenario planning now, which is also method #1 of my article How To Make Life’s Hardest Decisions: 3 Decision Making Methods. Say you marry this guy despite not having feelings for him. Two possible scenarios can happen.

The first scenario is that everything happens the way you hope it would. He treats you very well after marriage and he is exactly the man he was before the wedding, if not more. He continues to be responsible, caring, perceptive, and most importantly, loving. You get to know him more as your husband, and you begin to see him in a way that you never have before.

Touched by his love for you and impressed by the man that he is, you begin to fall for him. Since both of you are now in love, your problem of a loveless marriage is now resolved.

The second scenario is that you don’t fall for him despite his efforts. Try as you might, you simply have no feelings for him, and feelings can’t be forced at the end of the day.

What do you do now? Do you pretend to love your now-husband so that you won’t disappoint him? Do you let him know that you still don’t love him but continue being in the marriage out of guilt and fear, as you don’t want to face a backlash from your family and friends? Do you divorce him and try to find love again?

Deep Implications

Obviously, the second scenario has some very sticky implications.

A divorce isn’t as simple as breaking up with a boy/girlfriend — there are legal proceedings to go through, families involved, and fees to be paid. There are also prerequisites that need to be fulfilled before a divorce can be filed.

For example, in Singapore a marriage needs to be at least three years long before you can file for divorce, and even then you cannot file a divorce based on “irreconcilable differences” unlike in the United States. You must have proof of adultery, spousal desertion for at least two years, unreasonable behavior, or at least 3 years of physical separation with your spouse before you have any grounds to file for divorce. In some countries, it may be impossible to get divorced because the law is designed to keep marriages together, even if the individuals are no longer happy together.

Length-wise, a divorce proceeding doesn’t just happen overnight — they can stretch on for quite a while, ranging from six months to over a year. That’s not even talking about the emotional drain that happens with such proceedings.

Let’s say you don’t divorce and you want to stay on in this marriage. The questions then come to these:

Will you be happy in this one-sided marriage?
Will you be betraying yourself?
Will you be thinking ‘what if’s’ every other day?
Will you feel regret from marrying this guy back then?
Will your husband feel any resentment or hurt?
Even if not, will you be fair to him by marrying him when you don’t love him — even though (I presume) he’s okay with it?

So many questions but no straight answers. For sure, this will not be an easy situation to work through. You would be trapped into a dungeon that you created for yourself, with no way out but to continue through. You will have to continue to live in this marriage with a man you don’t love — for the rest of your life.

The Future has Yet to Come

The great thing now is that Scenario A or B have not happened yet. You are here in the present moment and you have yet to marry the guy. There is still a chance to think over this carefully and make a conscious decision.

I believe the biggest reason why you are having this dilemma now, M, is because you aren’t sure if you will ever meet the perfect guy for you. Deep down, you may feel that if you pass up on this chance to marry this guy, you may well never meet someone else that comes close. What would I do then? you may wonder.

I can’t tell you whether you’ll meet your perfect match or not, M. What I do know is this: When you agree to marry someone, you should be doing it because you genuinely want to marry him and because this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. You shouldn’t be considering marriage because you are fearful of the alternative — being alone, not being able to find your perfect guy, and not having anyone to take care of you for the rest of your life. To do so would be to make a decision from a fear-based, scarcity mindset, and decisions borne out of this thinking rarely have a positive outcome.

I also know that it’s never a wise move to marry in hopes or expectation that something else will happen, which in this case is love. That’s because if what you are expecting never happens, then what are you going to do? Are you going to deny that the marriage has ever happened? Are you going to go back on the vows you made during your wedding day? Are you going to let the other person down?

My Advice: Hold This Off

Marriage is a serious lifelong commitment, M. Not only is it serious for you, but it also involves others and deeply impacts their lives.

My recommendation is to hold off making a decision and give the relationship more time to play out. This may be three months, six months, or even a year — however long you need to get a definite answer.

If you realize that he’s the one for you after X amount of time, then you can agree to his proposal and get married.
If you realize that he’s definitely not the one for you, then both of you can go your separate ways. No real loss here except for the X time invested in the relationship — even then, this time doesn’t compare to potentially making a life-long commitment that you will regret.
If you’re still undecided after a long time together, than maybe he’s not the one… for now. If love can blossom, it would have blossomed long ago. You don’t need to wait for two, three, or even five years to decide if someone is the one. Unless something dramatically changes in you, him, or between you and him, chances are your feelings will remain the same no matter how long you wait.

If he is the good and understanding man that you say he is, then I’m sure he will be okay waiting for a while for you to assess and make up your mind about the relationship. If he gives you a timeline and ultimatum (e.g. “I can only wait for a month; if you still don’t have an answer, then I’m afraid we’d need to break up”), then he probably isn’t the guy for you.

If this relationship doesn’t work out, then it may well mean returning to the dating field. Sure, dating may be frustrating sometimes. Trying to meet new people and find your right match can be draining too. But I guarantee you that nothing will ever be as terrifying, heart numbing, draining, and unhappy as being stuck in a marriage with someone you don’t love.

That’s all I have to say M. I hope you’ll find this post useful. Let us know your choice and how things work out for you. ♥

REVOLUTIONAPPAREL